the internets | excerpts



I Can Haz Air Fighting
[May 1, 2008]
I'd be lying if I said I only watched this once.

Dead Whale Plus Dynamite Equals Comedy
[February 5, 2008]
As if the story itself isn't funny enough, a man named Abdul Hameed Gamiet turned the original news report into a cartoon:

That's Releasing The Key
[January 10, 2008]
I have no words to describe how over the top this is... and yet, I was mesmerized by it. Somebody took a clip of William Shatner on Conan O'Brien and turned it into... this...

Fuck Burt Bacharach
[December 4, 2007]
When the power went out at my place late yesterday afternoon... when I wandered outside, in the darkness, roaming around the block to see if it was just my building was the only one suddenly without power... and as the wind was blowing and the rain was coming down... do you know what I was thinking?

A Fat Cat Sat On A Hat
[November 27, 2007]
The date was early spring, 2000. I was living in Dallas and depressed. I flew out to Salt Lake City to visit a friend. After one too many beers, he showed me this:

The Give Up Ad
[November 25, 2007]
This cracked me up! Apparently, Apple has been buying both top and side ads on a few websites, and linking the ads together so that animation in one triggers animation in the other to create one two-banner ad. Someone captured the ad/ads on cnet.com and posted a video on youtube....

Bork Bork Bork!!!
[October 31, 2007]
Why didn't I think of that!?! Swedish Chef Scrabble!!!! Hilarious!

Best Interview Ever
[October 4, 2007]
Paris Hilton on Letterman last Friday night. Oh, if only Dave could interview Dumbya.

Booyah For Teacher-Student Sex
[September 7, 2007]
Do I get any credit for not cracking the obvious joke about teachers being judged by student performance?

Hipster Olympics
[August 26, 2007]
Silver is the new gold, hobos are the new unicorns, and hipsters... well, they're just hipsters.

Spam Primavera?
[August 25, 2007]
...God do I love Google! It's the little things...

A Little Sensitivity Might Be In Order
[July 19, 2007]
...hang on. That's a fucking Sock PUPPET! What the...?!?

Are You A PDXER?
[July 12, 2007]
A friend of mine is starting a group called PDXERS for 20s/30s singles in the city to hang out and mingle. It's not about hooking up - just meeting people and making some friends, etc. Get all of the info here.

They're A Bunch Of Mothers Alright
[May 13, 2007]
Mother lovers - 42% Motherfuckers - 58%

Will We Lose Net Neutrality?
[March 30, 2007]
Republicans want to grow the government in order to govern the internet through a system of tiers and taxation.

A Study Of Smutty Sustenance?
[March 29, 2007]
Big Nuts, Belchers Sausage, Bimbo Sandwich Pequeno... and Cock-A-Leekie soup?

One Upping The Yuppy Puppy
[March 1, 2007]
I've seen some great names for pet groomers... Yuppy Puppy, Howliday Inn, Barka Lounge Daycare, Beauty For The Beast and Noah's Arf, just to name a few, but this one takes the cake.

Taste The Truthiness!
[February 28, 2007]
It's the sweet taste of liberty in your mouth.

Down The Chimney, With A Bound!
[January 23, 2007]
And then in a twinkling, I heard on the roof, the prancing and pawing of... what the...? OH, YUCKO!!!

iCrapped MyPants
[January 9, 2007]
Holy crap!

Damn Spam
[January 4, 2007]
"Be erect in less than 15 min!" In less than fifteen minutes? Really? Surely this product isn't made by a man.

The Rapist Finder
[October 18, 2006]
Power Genitalia? Oh no! (oh yes)

Best. Disclaimer. Ever.
[August 6, 2006]
"I have tried most of these things, and still live. However your experience may vary." Ooh yeah.

I Humped Your Hummer
[August 3, 2006]
The act of humping a Hummer and videotaping it can be interpreted in a variety of ways. Dot dot dot.

Take The Picture!
[July 26, 2006]
It's simple comedy, really.

Cow Abductions
[June 1, 2006]
God, I love the things people do with the internet. And I love cows.

Oh Shit!
[May 28, 2006]
"Branch Davidianism: David Koresh was the shit. Shit.. ouch.. Hot.. Shit burns"

Who? No, Really. I Want Names
[May 9, 2006]
Tell me. Who believes this? Obviously someone does, because spammers wouldn't be getting rich if they weren't generating sales. Finding the spammers has proven ineffective. But - again - there would be no spammers if their tactic wasn't effective. So, who falls for it?

Beware
[April 3, 2006]
"If this program erases all of your data, causes global warming, or encourages your daughter to marry that shady guy from the tattoo parlor, I bear no responsibility whatsoever. That being said, I'm pretty sure it's alright to use. Maybe."

Sexy In '75!
[April 1, 2006]
To whoever the fuck scanned what appears to be the entire Sears Catalog from 1975 and posted it online, I salute you.

Theives
[March 31, 2006]
Initially, I tried to ask a few people not to steal - but as the years passed, it became obvious that a better solution was needed.

My Apartmequarium
[March 10, 2006]
Am I the gayest straight man in PDX? Uhhhmmmmmm... I sure do love boobies!!!!! But I sure do love my red bed-curtains too... I'm shutting up now.

March 8th
[March 8, 2006]
That's why I'm not surprised that, while doing my best to completely ignore the date, I ended up launching Jalpuna on the same date I was trying so hard to forget. It's a coincidence that isn't so coincidental. And it's since become a happy accident.

MySpace
[March 2, 2006]
Hey! Just a quick mindless post for those of you on myspace...

A Blond Joke
[January 14, 2006]
Just when I thought I'd seen, heard, read and otherwise stumbled onto every blond joke known to man... I found a new one.

I'm The White Trash Guy
[November 8, 2005]
Yes Virginia, there is a place where humor can land you free wine, and that place is Craigslist.

White Trash On Craigslist. No, Really!
[November 4, 2005]
I know what you're thinking: "this not-job's trying to pawn off a trash can with an attitude on me?" No no no... it's not like that at all. This trash can is a sweetie. Really. Well, ok, maybe not. I mean, how sweet could something that craves trash be? However, as far as things that crave trash go...

Great iDea!
[October 31, 2005]
Here's my vote for Best Halloween Costume of the year.

Dubya Knockout!
[October 1, 2005]
Ba-da Ba ba BA! I'm sluggin' it!

Kitten Cannon
[September 24, 2005]
Just a silly stupid yet bizarrely addictive link to pass along:

An Anagram
[August 23, 2005]
I discovered this morning that if you re-arrange the letters of my first and last name, you get "Corrected Brain." Sweet!

Touch His Belly?
[August 2, 2005]
Some guy has set up a blog where he posts pictures of people touching his belly. He calls his blog... hang on -- wait for it -- waaait ffffforrr iiiiiiit...

FUH2
[July 29, 2005]
Come on now... this is funny.

Go Katie Go!
[May 19, 2005]
In upstate New York lives a girl named Katie Brownell. Katie's an eleven year old girl with blonde hair, glasses and a shy smile. She plays little league, with boys. In fact, she's the only girl playing hardball in the league she plays in.

The Wayback Machine
[April 16, 2005]
Browsing the net today... I stumbled onto a great site I'd forgotten about. It's called The Wayback Machine...

J'aime Google
[April 13, 2005]
You may never know how to type the word "Porn" in Chinese if you don't read this post. Or "Smack." Grin.

Holy Googlemappin'!!!
[April 5, 2005]
The best in the biz just gets better. Taking a stroll through Portland thanks to Googlemaps. Wow. This thing is addictive.

Is The Inside Of Your Monitor Dirty?
[January 14, 2005]
Just when you think you've seen it all, there's this

Scared Of Santa
[December 24, 2004]
Here's wishing you and yours a merry happy egg feliz nogging whatever you choose to celebrate in whatever manner you choose to celebrate it kind of holiday - unless to you it isn't a holiday, in which case, have a nice weekend.


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