politics | excerpts



No We Can't
[February 14, 2008]
This is hilarious - and yet sad too. It's obviously a spoof of the Will.i.am "Yes We Can" video.

Hoping For A Super Tuesday
[February 2, 2008]
I have no voice in this election. By the time my state has a primary, there will be no one to vote for. And so, I look to the states holding caucuses and primaries this Tuesday and I hope for the best. I hope for change.

In Defense Of Our Country
[January 15, 2008]
November can't come soon enough.

Awe Shuckabee
[January 3, 2008]
Over the past few weeks, Awe Shuckabee has shown himself to be clueless with gaffs about national intelligence, Iran, Pakistan and more. Just last night, he claimed to support the writers on strike, but he crossed the picket line to appear on the Tonight Show. The very next day...

Register To Vote TODAY!!!!
[October 16, 2007]
Don't want our farms turned into strip malls and subdivisions? Vote YES on Measure 49! Tax cigarettes to fund children's healthcare here in Oregon? Vote YES on Measure 50.

Oh, The Irony
[October 12, 2007]
Gore just won the peace prize. Bush is still losing the war.

I Was So Sick Yesterday...
[October 10, 2007]
"...how sick were you?" I was so sick yesterday that I actually watched the Republican presidential debate.

9/11 Is The New Smurf
[September 27, 2007]
Is it just me, or does Rudy Giuliani suddenly look a whole lot like Gargamel? He speaks a cartoon language with an amazing word that means anything and everything. You say "Gun control?" He says "Smurf."

An Imprtant Reminder On This Day
[September 11, 2007]
Forty one percent of Americans are dumb as bricks. And probably less useful.

What Do You Think About That?
[August 28, 2007]
The sun has started to rise a little bit later. The sun is setting a little bit earlier. Days are warm, sometime hot even, yet there is a hint of crispness to the air at night. Football is back on the TV and Halloween decorations are just starting to show up in the stores. And another militantly homophobic Republican has been busted in a gay sex scandal.

Dick Cheney: "How many additional dead americans is Saddam worth?"
[August 16, 2007]
"It's a quagmire if you go that far and try to take over Iraq."

It's The Right Thing To Do
[July 2, 2007]
''If there is a leak out of my administration, I want to know who it is. And if that person has violated the law, the person will be taken care of"

95% Of All Monkeys Got It Right
[June 19, 2007]
67% of all Republicans don't believe in evolution.

Happy Chimpy McFlightsuit Day
[May 1, 2007]
"In the Battle of Afghanistan, we destroyed the Taliban [BZZZT! They're back], many terrorists [not Osama], and the camps where they trained [they're rebuilding them because we left for Iraq]."

Erection Night, And The Thumping
[November 8, 2006]
The good news about having election day behind us is that we finally get to catch up on our erectile dysfunction ads now that the political ads are gone.

Botched
[November 1, 2006]
I just can't believe that a week before the election, people can be fooled into a debate over a botched joke at a campaign stop instead of debating a botched war that's spiraling out of control.

Saxton. Saxtoff. Saxton? SaxtOFF!
[October 25, 2006]
"Huh? Oh. I see what's coming here. You'd like a moment of my time to tell me about how Ron Saxton would make a super-duper kickass governor even though I think he's a heebie-jeebie lying sack of decomposing elephant dung. Am I right?"

The Course, Of Course
[October 24, 2006]
George W. Bush, Sunday, October 22nd, 2006: "We Have Never Been Stay The Course" ...George W. Bush - the rest of the time: "We will stay the coarse." Who are the millions of americans who voted for this clown?

Good Old Pedophilia
[October 5, 2006]
Here's one of the Mark Foley transcripts, where he asks an underage teen to "gram the one eyed snake." Maf54: "grab" Jalpuna: "Right."

Burton And The Blasphemy Channel
[July 15, 2006]
Let's see what's on CNN. Let's see what's on The History Channel. What? It's the same damn show!

Dear Nancy Pelosi
[May 25, 2006]
Don't.

This Is Nuts
[May 11, 2006]
If I am my government's enemy, who exactly does my government represent?

Horrifying
[May 11, 2006]
"It's the largest database ever assembled in the world"

Asshole
[April 13, 2006]
Google the word asshole and click "I'm Feeling Lucky."

Words Are Not Actions
[April 10, 2006]
And who knows... maybe he'll have noticed that her favorite chocolate shop just happens to be next door to the dry cleaners. God does she have a sweet tooth. After five years of marriage he should know this.

You Sure His Name Isn't Peter?
[March 28, 2006]
The President's first choice for a new Chief Of Staff wasn't available. In an attempt to extend his record of making the worst possible decisions, Bush nominated Hurricane Katrina. You can imagine his shock in learning that the Hurricane Katrina he'd heard everyone talk so much about was not a person's nickname but in fact a catastrophic weather event.

A Dick With A Gun
[February 16, 2006]
"...so I says to the Vice President, I says, hey, from a distance, your lawyer friend looks kinda like the last republican Vice President."

Six Of One, A Dozen Of The Other. Dead.
[January 5, 2006]
Curious how self-proclaimed compassionate Christian men determine the value of a life based on its location on a map.

A Little Off His Game
[November 21, 2005]
A bit of fun video, courtesy of the BBC. After a Beijing reporter accuses our fearless leader of being a little off his game, he barks off a comment about jet lag, and then attempts a Snagglepuss style hasty exit, stage left.

White Phosphorus
[November 16, 2005]
I've never been more embarrassed or ashamed of my country.

Like Father, Like Son
[November 7, 2005]
"Dad wanted a thousand points of light..."

Smarmy MF
[November 1, 2005]
He didn't even know what a pandemic was until one of his advisors told him. I wonder if they also told him there's no oil in a pandemic. Surely he does know the pandemic isn't one of his cronies. Thus, he's against it.

Blood For Oil For Food For Thought
[October 30, 2005]
One number I didn't see was the number of Iraqi civilians killed by the U.S. militar... er... 'Coalition Forces.' Surely that would push the total number far higher. I've seen the total number of Iraqi civilians killed since we invaded estimated at over 30,000.

Katrina, Meet Halliburton
[September 12, 2005]
"Bush allies getting Katrina work." How did I NOT see this one coming?

Katrina And The Carnival Of Ineptitude
[September 9, 2005]
Just passing along a link or two here...

They Were Underprivileged Anyway?
[September 6, 2005]
"What I'm hearing which is sort of scary is that they all want to stay in Texas. Everybody is so overhwlemed by the hospitality. And so many of the people in the arena here, you know, were underprivileged anyway so this (chuckle)--this is working very well for them."

Make The Pie Higher
[September 6, 2005]
"I know that the human being and the fish can coexist."

The Guitar And The Goat
[September 2, 2005]
In time, we will come to find that thousands of people lost their lives because help didn't arrive in time. The question is: will the majority of the American people fall for it... again?

Baghdad On The Mississippi
[September 1, 2005]
The story of New Orleans just keeps getting worse, and it all points to lack of security.

The Media's Magic Eight Ball
[September 1, 2005]
Instead of embedding reporters with American armed forces, maybe it's time to embed armed forces with American reporters. After all, our reporters were on the scene whereas our armed forces were not. Get Geraldo. Give him a regiment and a raft, and he'll lay down the law.

Katrina Provides Food For Thought
[August 31, 2005]
While people question the link between theft and skin color, I'm waiting for people to also question the link between the lack of security on American soil and the plethora of American troops in the middle east.

God Damn Christian Values
[August 25, 2005]
Eternity's a long time. Bring a flame retardant jacket. And marshmallows. Lots and lots of marshmallows.

A Saudi Royal Flush
[April 29, 2005]
Gas prices may go back down below $2 a gallon, but they won't stay there long. There's too much new competition for a very limited resource. Competition that's never going to go away. NEVER.

So A Guy Walks Up To Me And Says "Hey, I Was Thinking About Killing My Wife"
[March 16, 2005]
But first, he wanted to make sure he was living in a felony-friendly state.

Rush To Judgment
[February 16, 2005]
Now, I know it's not right to be so pleased with someone else's failure - but let's be honest here...

On This Day, Reminders Of Lessons Not Learned
[January 17, 2005]
I can't help wondering if we have any business celebrating the life of a man who's wisdom we refuse to heed.

Contrasts
[November 24, 2004]
Mixed messages - the days news in print while music fills the room. The contrasts are... well, they are what they are.

Sorry
[November 12, 2004]
A few selections from post-election site Sorry Everybody dot com. The pictures speak for themselves...

OH, Canada!
[November 5, 2004]
Two maps that crack me up!

Why Democrats Fail
[November 4, 2004]
The first kid walked up, made a nasty comment, and then found himself face down on the pavement after a swift one-two punch. The others walked away, and that was the end of the geek getting beaten up.

Hate
[November 4, 2004]
I hate that history will not look kindly on this era, but I hope that future generations can learn through our mistakes. This era is a mistake, and the rest of the world knows it. Why don't we?

A Sad Day In America
[November 3, 2004]
I am speechless.

The Final Hours
[November 2, 2004]
Click a pic for the Eminem video. Trust me - it's worth your time.

A Vote Against Terror
[November 2, 2004]
The decision you make today may be the hatred we all face tomorrow.

Yes On Oregon Constitutional Amendment 428-36-09.5
[November 1, 2004]
Constitutional Amendment 428-36-09.5 would change our state Constitution to prevent political any candidate running for public office from utilizing campaign dirty tricks under penalty of a mandatory lobotomy.

Osama's October Surprise
[October 29, 2004]
Bin Laden, in his own words: "It never occurred to us that the commander in chief of the country would leave 50,000 citizens in the two towers to face those horrors alone ... because he thought listening to a child discussing her goats was more important"

The Bush Brain Game
[October 29, 2004]
A little fun for a gloomy Friday.

Hoc The Vote
[October 27, 2004]
My picks, my ballot...

One From The BBC
[October 27, 2004]
A secret document obtained from inside Bush campaign headquarters in Florida suggests a plan - possibly in violation of US law - to disrupt voting in the state's African-American voting districts, a BBC Newsnight investigation reveals.

Never Forget
[October 27, 2004]
How it is that we're less than a week away from the presidential election and Bush & Kerry still tied... well... it's simply beyond me. Then again, I often forget how incredibly absolutely one hundred percent mother fucking ignorant the general population tends to be.

Another Endorsement
[October 21, 2004]
First, it was Iran endorsing Bush. And now - Satan? Who knew?!

Undecided? ME?!?
[October 16, 2004]
I'm so anti you-know-which political entity. that I composed this entire post without using the language equivalent to a digit found between Q and S, because I feel that _epublicans are THAT evil, and I'm THAT upset about it.

The Native Language And A Goat
[October 15, 2004]
Please George... PLEASE! It's not as if you haven't done enough damage to this country already. Do you REALLY have to humiliate us? Is it really the best way to gain international support for your failed war in Iraq to show yourself - proudly I might add - to be a dumbass?

Osama bin Forgotten?
[October 13, 2004]
Six months after he said Osama bin Laden must be caught dead or alive, this president was asked, "Where is Osama bin Laden?" He said, "I don't know. I don't really think about him very much. I'm not that concerned." I wonder if he's concerned now?

The President's Iraq Update
[October 11, 2004]
This was published in The Denver Post. It is simply phenomenal...

Batting 0 For 2
[October 9, 2004]
While Bush talked about "the internets" during the debate, Kerry had facts galore. But was anybody paying attention? Do people really prefer style over substance? I've posted links to audio files and transcripts...

Global Test
[October 8, 2004]
"If we'd used smart diplomacy, we could have saved $200 billion and an invasion of Iraq, and right now Osama bin Laden might be in jail or dead. That's the war on terror."

Four More Years?
[October 3, 2004]
It'll all be over in a few weeks. Then we'll learn if Americans can be fooled twice... because, as we all know, there's an old saying about fools in Texas...

Kerry's Top Ten
[September 20, 2004]
In case you missed it... John Kerry was on The Late Show with David Letterman last night, and he brought a top ten list with him. Here's Kerry's list of The Top Ten Bush Tax Proposals...

Dead Americans, Dead Russians, And You
[September 7, 2004]
Dick says: "If we make the wrong choice, then the danger is that we'll get hit again." He's right. But, is there more terrorism today than before the war in Iraq? Well golly gee. I guess we're in Kansas after all.

Build Your Own Bush
[September 2, 2004]
God damn, I can't wait till November. The term "Build your own Bush" should come with an NC-17 rating. Instead, it comes with a deficit and close to 1,000 dead soldiers. Damn damn damn.

Who Votes In This Country?
[September 1, 2004]
Looking at current polls, I'm led to wonder who votes in this damn country! I have no freaking clue who actually DOES vote, but it's obvious who DOESN'T. If you're not sure who I mean, read on.

Are We Misunderestimating Ourselves?
[August 14, 2004]
Cosby was aware his words could fuel racism among whites. "Let them talk" he said. Well, we have plenty to talk about - but we should face a mirror before we begin, because it appears to me that we're intentionally holding ourselves back.

A Man Of Values
[August 11, 2004]
Here, for example, we see that George W. Bush values the way his right hook can connect with someone's face when his left arm locks that person's head in place...

Kicking The Fear Factor Up A Notch
[August 6, 2004]
"Our enemies are innovative and resourceful. And so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people. And neither do we." - George W. Bush

How Would A Terrorist Vote?
[August 1, 2004]
While the Bush administration spreads anger towards America in the rest of the world, al Qaeda spreads fear of themselves in America. The difference is that al Qaeda has no "America Alert System." They don't need one.

Strategery
[July 28, 2004]
"The people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders ... All you have to do is to tell them they are being attacked and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism." - Nazi war criminal Hermann Goering (at the Nuremberg Trials)

Don't Say Anything Yet
[July 25, 2004]
Can you imagine how many people had already sprung into action by 9:05am on the morning of September 11th, 2001? Here's video footage of a certain someone who was doing nothing at all.

Getting To Know The Bush Twins - A Pictorial
[July 21, 2004]
Read this, and you'll learn why it's best to get your cocaine in powder form, why fake IDs work best when you're not famous, and why you might be a video tape away from ten million dollars.

Misplaced Patriotism & Blue Dress Politics
[July 15, 2004]
A true patriot loves his or her country and wants what's best for it, regardless of political party affiliation. Agreeing with Bush because you're a republican doesn't make you a patriot. It makes you a sheep...

Regarding Pre-War Intelligence
[July 13, 2004]
Was there ever any doubt regarding the quality of pre-war 'intelligence'? I mean, really...

Not Somebody Else's Problem
[July 12, 2004]
Just in time for the wave of Hispanic gangs taking over Portland's east side, the National Assault Weapons Ban is set to expire. There's nothing better than a grenade launcher with a bayonet mount for the common thug, right? Read on...

So Much For Independence
[July 4, 2004]
I could go off on a tirade about people celebrating Independence Day by helping our country to be more DEPENDENT on foreign oil - but I think cartoonist Bob Lang said it best...

Why I Hate Politics
[July 2, 2004]
"It's September 12th 2001. Members of the Bin Laden family are here in the U.S, and your government doesn't want to ask them any questions. They're letting them flee the country. You cool with that?"

Carole Coleman, How I Adore You
[June 29, 2004]
The interviewer is clearly more intelligent than the interviewee. Tactics of the interviewee are downright juvenile. Questions are never answered - it's a game of conversational dodgeball, with dubya determined that nobody make him bleed his own blood...

The Haves & The Have Mores
[June 24, 2004]
George W. Bush, speaking at a black-tie function: "This is an impressive crowd. The Haves, & the have mores. Some people call you the elite. I call you my base."

9/11 Panel: Santa Claus Not Involved
[June 16, 2004]
In a stunning revelation, the panel investigating the September 11th attacks confirmed that no one from The North Pole was involved whatsoever. The whole thing about Iraq and 9/11 was crap too...

Why Rush Limbaugh's 3rd Marriage Failed
[June 13, 2004]
Initially, I couldn't comprehend how this marriage didn't last an eternity. However, once I'd thought about it for a few tenths of a second, I came up with several possibilities...

Two Thumbs Up To Torture
[June 12, 2004]
QUESTION: Did you authorize the use of torture on any prisoners held by the United States? ANSWER: I like eggs. They're both nutritious, and delicious - plus, you can use them to make all sorts of tasty treats such as lemon meringue pies.

The O'Nader Factor
[May 27, 2004]
How many people voted for Mickey Mouse in the last election? Don't laugh. It happens every election. If the contest were Bush verses Mickey Mouse, you bet your ass I'd be walking out of the voting booth sporting a big ol' set of ears.

Fuel And Futility
[May 26, 2004]
This summer's raise of the terror alert status is brought to you by: The New Hummer, with eight miles to the gallon of middle eastern gas fuel efficiency. Party on Garth. Al Qaeda loves you.

Fossil Fuels and Middle School Math
[May 19, 2004]
Why is spam always written by someone with a minimal grasp of logic and grammar? Is it the same reason aliens always bring people from rural Louisiana aboard their space-ships for a tour & belly-botton-rectal-exam?

The Crimes They Are A Changin'
[May 14, 2004]
"At least one technique removed from list of interrogation methods used by U.S. military in Iraq, sources tell CNN" Gee, would that be the stripping, the use of dog collars and leashes, or putting prisoners in sexual poses?

My Country, Right Or Wrong?
[May 11, 2004]
Radicalism comes in many forms. The idea of "my country right or wrong" is both radical and dangerous. I dare say it is more traitorous than patriotic because it does the country more harm than good. Bad ideas are like a cancer, and a body that gives in to cancer dies.

The Dubba Dubba Dubbaya Bush
[April 19, 2004]
If only Osama had faxed an X-marks-the-spot map to the Crawford ranch showing the Pentagon, the Capitol, the twin towers and the word 'BOOM!' scrawled in Arabic. That might have sparked sluggish imaginations. Or maybe not.

What The "Bleep" Does He Know?
[April 18, 2004]
It's kind of sad when people would rather stand in the rain waiting for a $3 movie than come indoors to meet a presidential candidate... That's when it dawned on me that if "Forward motion in-line" was on the ballot, Dennis Kucinich would probably lose to that too.

Qua- Qua- Qua- Quagmire!
[April 14, 2004]
Today's reason to whip your coffee mug across the room & watch it shatter against a far wall, leaving a marvelous brown blotch...

Genetics & Right Wing Politics
[April 13, 2004]
I wish I could say that I wrote this - but alas, it's a piece of spam that was forwarded my way this morning. Somebody took a report about homosexuality being genetically linked, and then changed lots of the nouns. You'll figure it out...


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