Jalpuna

other (excerpts)

Ah, the catch-all category for posts that don't fit into any of the other categories.

  • Portland's Blinker (And My Blinker Too)

    I can't help noticing patterns. Even though I didn't understand what the light was doing, I wanted to know why it was doing it. But, much like a psycho ex-girlfriend, some things are not easily understood.

    (October 22, 2011)

  • Dear Comcast

    Comcast, you can kiss my pasty white Portland but can't even watch the show about Portland on Comcast in Portland ass.

    (January 18, 2011)

  • Is She Really Going Out With Him?

    But wait. It’s too easy to get caught up in the excitement of the moment and put all of the focus on her. Oh, I’m quite excited about this - excited about her - but I should begin with the party because that’s where we met.

    (December 15, 2010)

  • The Walls Have Ears

    Over the past few days, Portland has flung just about everything imaginable at my windows. Rain. Sleet. Snow. Hail. Poo.

    (March 30, 2008)

  • Rain, Rain, Come My Way

    The splatter easily stretches over two and a half feet long! Thanks a lot bird. What did I ever do to you?

    (March 26, 2008)

  • Blood, A Prick And A Punch

    As a metal blade scraped across the side of my ear, I thought "Hey! Careful there!" I didn't say anything though. I didn't need to. The look on her face told me everything I needed to know, followed by the warm wet feeling along my cheek.

    (March 19, 2008)

  • Ack...

    Sorry I haven't been posting much. I caught a case of bronchitis, and it's pretty much sucked up all of my creativity. I'm starting to get better though, so hopefully I'll be as good as new soon.

    (January 31, 2008)

  • Come On NFL! Get It Right!

    When are the Seahawks playing the Redskins? SATURDAY AT 4:30PM? But that's the same time the Titans are playing the Chargers. Come on NFL. The time you've posted for one of the games is clearly wrong. Attention to details. GOD! That shit drives me nuts.

    (January  5, 2008)

  • Girl, Job, House, Life, Etc

    I have this dream... it's a simple dream. In fact, my dream is as common as common gets. It's downright cliche.

    (December 22, 2007)

  • Fire Alarm!?!?

    Fire Alarm!?!? Fire Alarm!?!? Fire Alarm!?!? Fire Alarm!?!? Fire Alarm!?!? Fire Alarm!?!? Fire Alarm!?!? Fire Alarm!?!? Fire Alarm!?!? Fire Alarm!?!? Fire Alarm!?!? Fire Alarm!?!? Fire Alarm!?!? Fire Alarm!?!? Fire Alarm!?!? Fire Alarm!?!? Fire Alarm!?!? Fire Alarm!?!? Fire Alarm!?!?

    (December  2, 2007)

  • A Letter From Rory Escobar

    "More Inches = More Sex" This is what Rory Escobar would like me to believe. Thanks for the email Rory, but I think we both know that's not how it works. More girlfriend = more sex.

    (October 13, 2007)

  • Raising Money For Breast Cancer

    Dear dumbass weatherman; No, you are not raising money for breast cancer.

    (September 23, 2007)

  • A New Old Town In Portland

    Before the rest of summer slips away, you might want to make time for a stroll through Old Town. Take in the sights, the sounds and the smells, because massive change is coming, and it's coming fast.

    (August 23, 2007)

  • I Open At The Close

    "The thing about growing up with Fred and George is that you sort of start thinking anything's possible if you've got enough nerve."

    (July 22, 2007)

  • Harry Potter, Book 7! He Dies! She Dies!

    Everybody and their second cousin's second-cousin-husband seems to want to spoil the ending of the Harry Potter series. Well I say NO! My loft might as well be a bomb-shelter because I'm cutting off the outside world until I get to the end of book seven.

    (July 19, 2007)

  • Go Ahead, Bitch, Give Me What You've Got

    Surely Mother Nature has a sense for fashion. Why wouldn't she want to see me look my best? It is as if she is conspiring against me.

    (July 10, 2007)

  • Matthew Good's Hospital Music

    Being that he's at the end of his contract with his label, he's not expecting much of a marketing push for the record, and that's a shame because it's superb.

    (July  3, 2007)

  • Roses Are Red But Festivals Are Blue

    Who wasn't there yesterday? I'm betting it was YOU. Also, to my stomach: kiss my ass!

    (June  6, 2007)

  • I Am The Opposite

    Though it was never my intention, I became the opposite of everything I knew as a child. My family are country folks. I'm a city boy. They're meat and potatoes. I could eat sushi daily. My father's family drinks cheap beer to excess. I drink microbrews, or wine but can't even remember the last time I was drunk. New Years Eve, 2000 maybe?

    (May 31, 2007)

  • A Buddha Birthday

    Let's just hope my Buddha Birthday is more successful than my Jesus Year, during which I failed at my task.

    (May 24, 2007)

  • Farm-Bound

    Burton was a good friend. We laughed together, we cried together, we swapped tales from days of our youths. I thought we had such great chemistry, but in the end, it wasn't enough. Also, he turned brown.

    (May  1, 2007)

  • Not Mild

    "We're not mild people. We're hot."

    (January 18, 2007)

  • How To Screw Yourself Over, In Two Easy Steps

    Hey now! HO! Whoa there. "Listen Habib, I don't need to cycle my modem. Somebody didn't get the word that I wasn't canceling my service."

    (January 13, 2007)

  • It's In The Slug Mug

    Pennies are not worthy of the slug mug.

    (December  5, 2006)

  • I Hope The Wind Changes

    In this time of introspection, on the eve of my election, I say to my reflection "god please spare me more rejection

    (November 19, 2006)

  • The Trifecta

    I'd had water coming out of my loft's circuit breakers last week, and by the weekend, there was water creeping down the corners of my loft. I'd moved my work area away from the wall to make sure it wasn't near anything wet. Still, a fried computer came as no surprise.

    (November 16, 2006)

  • Jalpuna's Hierarchy Of Needs

    ...or, How Maslow Can Kiss My Effin' Triangle!

    (November 10, 2006)

  • And Then Comes The Flood

    Buckets. There were three of them in the center of the hall catching water falling through the ceiling.

    (November  7, 2006)

  • It Makes Me Feel Like Less Of A Man

    What kind of man can't spend $80 at Sharper Image? Especially when the $80 is free! Crazy. I know.

    (October 10, 2006)

  • My Kind Of Town

    Reason #3284723432.8 why I love Portland: These people are marvelously goofy.

    (August 23, 2006)

  • You Bought It Why?

    I'd like to believe that I don't fall victim to marketing ploys, especially since marketing is more or less what I do for a living... but...

    (July  7, 2006)

  • At The Bank

    Homie be thinkin' he should come back to the bank another time. Today's line is not for me.

    (June 16, 2006)

  • Don't Hate Me Because I'm Beautiful

    ...because that would make you an idiot. You CAN, however, hate me due to...

    (June  8, 2006)

  • What Mary Really Needed Was A Dog

    Apparently, I share the same birthday as Bob Dylan. Who knew? Yeah, I can't sing either.

    (May 24, 2006)

  • Slightly Sore 'Bout Thirtyfour

    The lines on my face are beginning to tell a story. I just wish I could read ahead a little.

    (May 23, 2006)

  • Forgotten Note

    It's obviously not a finished thought - but what the hell is it, and why did I jot it down?

    (April 20, 2006)

  • Are You The Devil?

    How's that for an Easter Weekend blog entry? Short, but to the point.

    (April 15, 2006)

  • You Liked It

    You almost managed to have a good time. You came so close... oh so close. But you couldn't.

    (March 29, 2006)

  • My Friends Kick Ass

    Two addresses out of date, yet it arrived. Thank you U.S. Postal Service!

    (February 27, 2006)

  • Sir

    "And for you sir?" "I'll have a Guinness." "Certainly. Do you mind if I check your ID first?" Well great. I'm a dead man...

    (February  5, 2006)

  • Let's Get Ready To Ruuuummmmble!

    Wow! A 2.8 magnitude earthquake happened tonight, centered within half a mile of me. Well, it was eight to ten miles below ground, directly below a point less than half a mile from me.

    (January 28, 2006)

  • My Night-Light

    Anybody walking down the hall in the building across the street right now?

    (January 26, 2006)

  • Jump, Little Children

    A wonderfully simple song by a marvelously quirky band called Jump, Little Children.

    (January 15, 2006)

  • Please Remember Him Well

    Great works of great men to whom we are indebted. Man does the work, but God gets the credit. I don't understand.

    (January  4, 2006)

  • A Sign?

    Hello 2006. Nice to meet you.

    (January  1, 2006)

  • Andrew Paul Woodworth

    His name is Andrew Paul Woodworth, and he's streaming his first ever solo CD on his website. You should check it out - even if only to hear his cover of the Beastie Boys "Fight For Your Right To Party," this time done as an acoustic ballad. Come on - admit it... that's cool.

    (December  3, 2005)

  • Bell X1

    What's with the angel? And what's with the devil? They keep swapping shoulders and I can't tell which from which. I caught them playing poker, and I think it was the devil who said...

    (November 18, 2005)

  • Milk Stout Magnetism

    As I reached to discard the bottle cap, she turns and says "Hang on a sec. What's under there?"

    (November 11, 2005)

  • Crash! Bam! Poop!

    Oh the things I miss while enjoying bowel movement. This one in particular really did turn out to be spectacular... so much so that I didn't hear a car colliding with a firetruck right below my windows!

    (November 10, 2005)

  • The Brick Channel

    We basically got a view of the three B's: Boobs, Backs, and a brick wall... plus the occasional nose hairs when someone would lean down to scroll through the names on the call box. This was the closest to seeing someone's face we could hope for. Unless we were ringing in a midget of course.

    (October 28, 2005)

  • Goodbye MCI. Hello Problems

    When I left the building that night for dinner, I found my note. My note saying I was here had been taken down by the Qwest guy, who taped it to HIS NOTE saying that HE'D BEEN HERE.

    (October 27, 2005)

  • The Move, Stage One

    I'll post pictures of my next loft as soon as I get a chance... in the meantime, here's a shot of a new friend who's keeping watch over the place until I arrive.

    (October 12, 2005)

  • Mapping Out The Loft

    There's a fine line between genuinely interested and needs to be medicated, and I'm sure I came within inches of crossing it.

    (October  5, 2005)

  • From Woe To Whoa In 19 Hours

    By my 9am appointment this morning, the owner told me she had fourteen people interested, and she'd set up back to back appointments every half hour through noon.

    (October  4, 2005)

  • Autumn Is A Time For

    It is time for green leaves to turn marvelous shades of orange, red, yellow and brown, painting the city in soft earth-tone colors.

    (September 30, 2005)

  • There Goes My Monday

    Who knows... it could be interesting...

    (August 29, 2005)

  • Speaking Of Music Millenium...

    God do I love Portland. It's as if nobody ever told these people there are half a million people living here. This can be such a small town sometimes - but that's just part of what makes Portland great.

    (August 12, 2005)

  • One Ice Cream Truck Away From A Psychotic Episode

    Sure, it may sound cute to you... The Music Man blared at top volume while that fucker circles through the neighborhood. I'll admit, the first time I heard it, it sounded cute to me too. "Awe, it's summertime" I thought. Except that it wasn't summer at all...

    (May 26, 2005)

  • This Is Not

    This afternoon, while running a few errands, I found myself standing at the corner of SW 11th and Clay in downtown Portland. I stood and I stared, with a certain amount of sadness. I couldn't help thinking...

    (February  3, 2005)

  • Distance Grows

    Do you remember a time when we used to talk? Well, you did the talking and I did the listening, as you cared not for what I had to say. You talked about leaving.

    (January 18, 2005)

  • Go Steelers!

    Call it silly, but I can get into the hype as much as the next person, and I'm not too proud to admit it... which brings me to the topic at hand. I lived in Pittsburgh twice during the mid 90's.

    (January 15, 2005)

  • Next On My To Do List: Peace In The Middle East

    ...after all, neither the Israelis nor the Palestinians have MCI's layers upon layers of customer support to deal with.

    (January 10, 2005)

  • An Open Letter To MCI

    "Even more frustrating than that, however, was learning that back in 2003, MCI had documented this problem internally and discussed it on a nationally syndicated radio program."

    (January  6, 2005)

  • MCI: Tick Tock

    Sitting in silence in order to hear a knock on my door from someone who probably won't arrive. Grrrrrrr...

    (January  6, 2005)

  • MCI: What Year Is It?

    Lets do the time warp: Ira Glass did a segment on This American Life in 2003 about MCI's miserable customer service. Meanwhile, my no phone service saga continues.

    (January  6, 2005)

  • MCI: Nightmare!

    How inept can a phone company be? No, that's not a rhetorical question... I'm getting an answer as I go through the motions with MCI.

    (January  5, 2005)

  • Make Me Do Something Arty?

    "We're making Tibetan prayer flags!" Jess said with a sense of glee as I walked in her front door. Thus began a debate amongst the many voices in my head.

    (December  6, 2004)

  • Mixer? Me?

    I think I know myself soooo well.

    (November 16, 2004)

  • I Fondidn't

    The recipe tasted so much like ass I could spot its thong looming above the rear of its ultra-low-rise jeans from across the room.

    (October 25, 2004)

  • Maize

    When presented with the fact that a corn maze actually existed, I thought my childhood cereal box maze fantasies had finally come true! If only Count Chocula were here to share the moment with me. But alas, he wasn't.

    (October 18, 2004)

  • Women And Clothes

    I'm not saying all women are supposed to be skinny. Be healthy. That's what matters. If fact, skinny isn't really attractive anyway. Ally MacBeal was a scary Skeletor's daughter looking glow in the dark cover that shit up freak if ever I saw one.

    (September 27, 2004)

  • It's Only Gray On The Outside

    Thank you autumn for finally arriving. There are so many reasons why I live this time of year. Allow me to list a few...

    (September 14, 2004)

  • An Interesting Anniversary Missed

    August 13th passed by completely unnoticed. That could be a sign I've got my life headed in the right direction, or it could simply be that I had better things to think about this past friday - pondering new beginnings rather than endings.

    (August 18, 2004)

  • Do You Know The Way?

    I've never thought of cats as the most brilliant of creatures. I should know - I own two of them. But, clearly this black cat is a clever fellow since he's smart enough to get me to follow him.

    (August 16, 2004)

  • I Hate The Heat

    ...sigh...

    (August  8, 2004)

  • I'm In Heat!

    Oh so hot. Hot HOT HoT hOt hOT HOt hot. Icky icky hot HOT. Hoooo oooo ooo so hot. So so so so so hot. Etc etc etc.

    (July 24, 2004)

  • Contemplating Karma

    For the sake of karma - does it matter if the recipients of goodwill are appreciative? If not, why does it suddenly matter so much to me?

    (July 10, 2004)

  • There's More To Him Than Pudding Pops

    Businesses were closing, neighborhoods were becoming run down, and anybody with a brain was moving away upon graduating high school. They weren't just going to college. They were going for good.

    (July  1, 2004)

  • Return Of The Dark Ages

    Listening to music is now a royal pain in the ass! I have to actually walk across the room to get one of these disk-doodads. It's barbaric I tell you. Why not just chisel the notes into a stone tablet & I'll imagine what it sounds like...

    (June 27, 2004)

  • My Leap Year Won't Leap

    Thanks to the fact that it's a leap year, YOU are getting 366 days in 2004 but I'm stuck with the standard 365. June 25th got wiped right off my calendar with a giant whooshing sound that ended with a THUD and just a hint of a splat...

    (June 25, 2004)

  • Taking My Own Advice - The List

    In yesterdays post, I mentioned the importance of knowing what makes you happy when it comes to leading a happy life. So... far be it from me to not take my own advice... Here's my list:

    (June 10, 2004)

  • Harry Potter And The Texas Escapee

    "You must read the book." she demanded, as if she hadn't just said it five seconds ago. "You simply MUST!" Excuse me? I must breathe in. I must breathe out. Beyond that and a few other basic human functions, everything's an option.

    (June  5, 2004)

  • Some Call It Fate

    It appears that the bank giveth, and the bank taketh away whilst the bank fucketh me over. Hence, I crapeth my pants.....I still don't believe it's fate though. Meanwhile, across town in SE Portland, my friend just smacked her head off her desk in disgust...

    (May  1, 2004)

  • A Thud & A Scatter, And Suddenly I'm A Walking A.T.M.

    I'd suggest Ritalin if not for the broke-part, or a job to alleviate the broke-ness, but then there's the crazy part. And since he IS crazy, I won't council him on the grief caused by the loss of his two-day-old danish...

    (April 26, 2004)

  • The Enron Way To Celebrate April 16th

    Since many of us are probably thinking the same thing on this day-after-tax-day, I'll assume the pic speaks for itself - but just in case it doesn't, here's another clue from despair.com...

    (April 16, 2004)

  • My Global Locals

    "The group WHAM was bad enough... but Kite WHAM could kill." ...Beth & I eventually lost touch when she moved back home to Michigan. Seven months later, she writes to say...

    (April 11, 2004)

  • Are We There Yet?

    Winter rains have given way to warmer temps and sunshine. Granted, I'm smart enough to know that it's going to rain through the entire spring - because this IS Portland after all - but that's not the point.

    (March 11, 2004)

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