life | excerpts



See You On The Other Side Of The Move
[April 9, 2008]
While packing to move out of my apartment today, I found myself staring at two wine corks I'd apparently saved for some odd reason. I thought the two of them really summed up the day before and after a move.

The Walls Have Ears
[March 30, 2008]
Over the past few days, Portland has flung just about everything imaginable at my windows. Rain. Sleet. Snow. Hail. Poo.

Rain, Rain, Come My Way
[March 26, 2008]
The splatter easily stretches over two and a half feet long! Thanks a lot bird. What did I ever do to you?

Blood, A Prick And A Punch
[March 19, 2008]
As a metal blade scraped across the side of my ear, I thought "Hey! Careful there!" I didn't say anything though. I didn't need to. The look on her face told me everything I needed to know, followed by the warm wet feeling along my cheek.

Ack...
[January 31, 2008]
Sorry I haven't been posting much. I caught a case of bronchitis, and it's pretty much sucked up all of my creativity. I'm starting to get better though, so hopefully I'll be as good as new soon.

Come On NFL! Get It Right!
[January 5, 2008]
When are the Seahawks playing the Redskins? SATURDAY AT 4:30PM? But that's the same time the Titans are playing the Chargers. Come on NFL. The time you've posted for one of the games is clearly wrong. Attention to details. GOD! That shit drives me nuts.

Girl, Job, House, Life, Etc
[December 22, 2007]
I have this dream... it's a simple dream. In fact, my dream is as common as common gets. It's downright cliche.

Fire Alarm!?!?
[December 2, 2007]
Fire Alarm!?!? Fire Alarm!?!? Fire Alarm!?!? Fire Alarm!?!? Fire Alarm!?!? Fire Alarm!?!? Fire Alarm!?!? Fire Alarm!?!? Fire Alarm!?!? Fire Alarm!?!? Fire Alarm!?!? Fire Alarm!?!? Fire Alarm!?!? Fire Alarm!?!? Fire Alarm!?!? Fire Alarm!?!? Fire Alarm!?!? Fire Alarm!?!? Fire Alarm!?!?

A Letter From Rory Escobar
[October 13, 2007]
"More Inches = More Sex" This is what Rory Escobar would like me to believe. Thanks for the email Rory, but I think we both know that's not how it works. More girlfriend = more sex.

Raising Money For Breast Cancer
[September 23, 2007]
Dear dumbass weatherman; No, you are not raising money for breast cancer.

A New Old Town In Portland
[August 23, 2007]
Before the rest of summer slips away, you might want to make time for a stroll through Old Town. Take in the sights, the sounds and the smells, because massive change is coming, and it's coming fast.

I Open At The Close
[July 22, 2007]
"The thing about growing up with Fred and George is that you sort of start thinking anything's possible if you've got enough nerve."

Harry Potter, Book 7! He Dies! She Dies!
[July 19, 2007]
Everybody and their second cousin's second-cousin-husband seems to want to spoil the ending of the Harry Potter series. Well I say NO! My loft might as well be a bomb-shelter because I'm cutting off the outside world until I get to the end of book seven.

Go Ahead, Bitch, Give Me What You've Got
[July 10, 2007]
Surely Mother Nature has a sense for fashion. Why wouldn't she want to see me look my best? It is as if she is conspiring against me.

Roses Are Red But Festivals Are Blue
[June 6, 2007]
Who wasn't there yesterday? I'm betting it was YOU. Also, to my stomach: kiss my ass!

I Am The Opposite
[May 31, 2007]
Though it was never my intention, I became the opposite of everything I knew as a child. My family are country folks. I'm a city boy. They're meat and potatoes. I could eat sushi daily. My father's family drinks cheap beer to excess. I drink microbrews, or wine but can't even remember the last time I was drunk. New Years Eve, 2000 maybe?

A Buddha Birthday
[May 24, 2007]
Let's just hope my Buddha Birthday is more successful than my Jesus Year, during which I failed at my task.

Farm-Bound
[May 1, 2007]
Burton was a good friend. We laughed together, we cried together, we swapped tales from days of our youths. I thought we had such great chemistry, but in the end, it wasn't enough. Also, he turned brown.

Not Mild
[January 18, 2007]
"We're not mild people. We're hot."

How To Screw Yourself Over, In Two Easy Steps
[January 13, 2007]
Hey now! HO! Whoa there. "Listen Habib, I don't need to cycle my modem. Somebody didn't get the word that I wasn't canceling my service."

It's In The Slug Mug
[December 5, 2006]
Pennies are not worthy of the slug mug.

I Hope The Wind Changes
[November 19, 2006]
In this time of introspection, on the eve of my election, I say to my reflection "god please spare me more rejection

The Trifecta
[November 16, 2006]
I'd had water coming out of my loft's circuit breakers last week, and by the weekend, there was water creeping down the corners of my loft. I'd moved my work area away from the wall to make sure it wasn't near anything wet. Still, a fried computer came as no surprise.

Jalpuna's Hierarchy Of Needs
[November 10, 2006]
...or, How Maslow Can Kiss My Effin' Triangle!

And Then Comes The Flood
[November 7, 2006]
Buckets. There were three of them in the center of the hall catching water falling through the ceiling.

It Makes Me Feel Like Less Of A Man
[October 10, 2006]
What kind of man can't spend $80 at Sharper Image? Especially when the $80 is free! Crazy. I know.

My Kind Of Town
[August 23, 2006]
Reason #3284723432.8 why I love Portland: These people are marvelously goofy.

You Bought It Why?
[July 7, 2006]
I'd like to believe that I don't fall victim to marketing ploys, especially since marketing is more or less what I do for a living... but...

At The Bank
[June 16, 2006]
Homie be thinkin' he should come back to the bank another time. Today's line is not for me.

Don't Hate Me Because I'm Beautiful
[June 8, 2006]
...because that would make you an idiot. You CAN, however, hate me due to...

What Mary Really Needed Was A Dog
[May 24, 2006]
Apparently, I share the same birthday as Bob Dylan. Who knew? Yeah, I can't sing either.

Slightly Sore 'Bout Thirtyfour
[May 23, 2006]
The lines on my face are beginning to tell a story. I just wish I could read ahead a little.

Forgotten Note
[April 20, 2006]
It's obviously not a finished thought - but what the hell is it, and why did I jot it down?

Are You The Devil?
[April 15, 2006]
How's that for an Easter Weekend blog entry? Short, but to the point.

You Liked It
[March 29, 2006]
You almost managed to have a good time. You came so close... oh so close. But you couldn't.

My Friends Kick Ass
[February 27, 2006]
Two addresses out of date, yet it arrived. Thank you U.S. Postal Service!

Sir
[February 5, 2006]
"And for you sir?" "I'll have a Guinness." "Certainly. Do you mind if I check your ID first?" Well great. I'm a dead man...

Let's Get Ready To Ruuuummmmble!
[January 28, 2006]
Wow! A 2.8 magnitude earthquake happened tonight, centered within half a mile of me. Well, it was eight to ten miles below ground, directly below a point less than half a mile from me.

My Night-Light
[January 26, 2006]
Anybody walking down the hall in the building across the street right now?

A Sign?
[January 1, 2006]
Hello 2006. Nice to meet you.

Milk Stout Magnetism
[November 11, 2005]
As I reached to discard the bottle cap, she turns and says "Hang on a sec. What's under there?"

Crash! Bam! Poop!
[November 10, 2005]
Oh the things I miss while enjoying bowel movement. This one in particular really did turn out to be spectacular... so much so that I didn't hear a car colliding with a firetruck right below my windows!

The Brick Channel
[October 28, 2005]
We basically got a view of the three B's: Boobs, Backs, and a brick wall... plus the occasional nose hairs when someone would lean down to scroll through the names on the call box. This was the closest to seeing someone's face we could hope for. Unless we were ringing in a midget of course.

Goodbye MCI. Hello Problems
[October 27, 2005]
When I left the building that night for dinner, I found my note. My note saying I was here had been taken down by the Qwest guy, who taped it to HIS NOTE saying that HE'D BEEN HERE.

The Move, Stage One
[October 12, 2005]
I'll post pictures of my next loft as soon as I get a chance... in the meantime, here's a shot of a new friend who's keeping watch over the place until I arrive.

Mapping Out The Loft
[October 5, 2005]
There's a fine line between genuinely interested and needs to be medicated, and I'm sure I came within inches of crossing it.

From Woe To Whoa In 19 Hours
[October 4, 2005]
By my 9am appointment this morning, the owner told me she had fourteen people interested, and she'd set up back to back appointments every half hour through noon.

Autumn Is A Time For
[September 30, 2005]
It is time for green leaves to turn marvelous shades of orange, red, yellow and brown, painting the city in soft earth-tone colors.

There Goes My Monday
[August 29, 2005]
Who knows... it could be interesting...

Speaking Of Music Millenium...
[August 12, 2005]
God do I love Portland. It's as if nobody ever told these people there are half a million people living here. This can be such a small town sometimes - but that's just part of what makes Portland great.

One Ice Cream Truck Away From A Psychotic Episode
[May 26, 2005]
Sure, it may sound cute to you... The Music Man blared at top volume while that fucker circles through the neighborhood. I'll admit, the first time I heard it, it sounded cute to me too. "Awe, it's summertime" I thought. Except that it wasn't summer at all...

This Is Not
[February 3, 2005]
This afternoon, while running a few errands, I found myself standing at the corner of SW 11th and Clay in downtown Portland. I stood and I stared, with a certain amount of sadness. I couldn't help thinking...

Distance Grows
[January 18, 2005]
Do you remember a time when we used to talk? Well, you did the talking and I did the listening, as you cared not for what I had to say. You talked about leaving.

Go Steelers!
[January 15, 2005]
Call it silly, but I can get into the hype as much as the next person, and I'm not too proud to admit it... which brings me to the topic at hand. I lived in Pittsburgh twice during the mid 90's.

Next On My To Do List: Peace In The Middle East
[January 10, 2005]
...after all, neither the Israelis nor the Palestinians have MCI's layers upon layers of customer support to deal with.

An Open Letter To MCI
[January 6, 2005]
"Even more frustrating than that, however, was learning that back in 2003, MCI had documented this problem internally and discussed it on a nationally syndicated radio program."

MCI: Tick Tock
[January 6, 2005]
Sitting in silence in order to hear a knock on my door from someone who probably won't arrive. Grrrrrrr...

MCI: What Year Is It?
[January 6, 2005]
Lets do the time warp: Ira Glass did a segment on This American Life in 2003 about MCI's miserable customer service. Meanwhile, my no phone service saga continues.

MCI: Nightmare!
[January 5, 2005]
How inept can a phone company be? No, that's not a rhetorical question... I'm getting an answer as I go through the motions with MCI.

Make Me Do Something Arty?
[December 6, 2004]
"We're making Tibetan prayer flags!" Jess said with a sense of glee as I walked in her front door. Thus began a debate amongst the many voices in my head.

Mixer? Me?
[November 16, 2004]
I think I know myself soooo well.

I Fondidn't
[October 25, 2004]
The recipe tasted so much like ass I could spot its thong looming above the rear of its ultra-low-rise jeans from across the room.

Maize
[October 18, 2004]
When presented with the fact that a corn maze actually existed, I thought my childhood cereal box maze fantasies had finally come true! If only Count Chocula were here to share the moment with me. But alas, he wasn't.

Women And Clothes
[September 27, 2004]
I'm not saying all women are supposed to be skinny. Be healthy. That's what matters. If fact, skinny isn't really attractive anyway. Ally MacBeal was a scary Skeletor's daughter looking glow in the dark cover that shit up freak if ever I saw one.

It's Only Gray On The Outside
[September 14, 2004]
Thank you autumn for finally arriving. There are so many reasons why I live this time of year. Allow me to list a few...

An Interesting Anniversary Missed
[August 18, 2004]
August 13th passed by completely unnoticed. That could be a sign I've got my life headed in the right direction, or it could simply be that I had better things to think about this past friday - pondering new beginnings rather than endings.

Do You Know The Way?
[August 16, 2004]
I've never thought of cats as the most brilliant of creatures. I should know - I own two of them. But, clearly this black cat is a clever fellow since he's smart enough to get me to follow him.

I Hate The Heat
[August 8, 2004]
...sigh...

I'm In Heat!
[July 24, 2004]
Oh so hot. Hot HOT HoT hOt hOT HOt hot. Icky icky hot HOT. Hoooo oooo ooo so hot. So so so so so hot. Etc etc etc.

Contemplating Karma
[July 10, 2004]
For the sake of karma - does it matter if the recipients of goodwill are appreciative? If not, why does it suddenly matter so much to me?

There's More To Him Than Pudding Pops
[July 1, 2004]
Businesses were closing, neighborhoods were becoming run down, and anybody with a brain was moving away upon graduating high school. They weren't just going to college. They were going for good.

Return Of The Dark Ages
[June 27, 2004]
Listening to music is now a royal pain in the ass! I have to actually walk across the room to get one of these disk-doodads. It's barbaric I tell you. Why not just chisel the notes into a stone tablet & I'll imagine what it sounds like...

My Leap Year Won't Leap
[June 25, 2004]
Thanks to the fact that it's a leap year, YOU are getting 366 days in 2004 but I'm stuck with the standard 365. June 25th got wiped right off my calendar with a giant whooshing sound that ended with a THUD and just a hint of a splat...

Taking My Own Advice - The List
[June 10, 2004]
In yesterdays post, I mentioned the importance of knowing what makes you happy when it comes to leading a happy life. So... far be it from me to not take my own advice... Here's my list:

Harry Potter And The Texas Escapee
[June 5, 2004]
"You must read the book." she demanded, as if she hadn't just said it five seconds ago. "You simply MUST!" Excuse me? I must breathe in. I must breathe out. Beyond that and a few other basic human functions, everything's an option.

Some Call It Fate
[May 1, 2004]
It appears that the bank giveth, and the bank taketh away whilst the bank fucketh me over. Hence, I crapeth my pants.....I still don't believe it's fate though. Meanwhile, across town in SE Portland, my friend just smacked her head off her desk in disgust...

A Thud & A Scatter, And Suddenly I'm A Walking A.T.M.
[April 26, 2004]
I'd suggest Ritalin if not for the broke-part, or a job to alleviate the broke-ness, but then there's the crazy part. And since he IS crazy, I won't council him on the grief caused by the loss of his two-day-old danish...

The Enron Way To Celebrate April 16th
[April 16, 2004]
Since many of us are probably thinking the same thing on this day-after-tax-day, I'll assume the pic speaks for itself - but just in case it doesn't, here's another clue from despair.com...

My Global Locals
[April 11, 2004]
"The group WHAM was bad enough... but Kite WHAM could kill." ...Beth & I eventually lost touch when she moved back home to Michigan. Seven months later, she writes to say...

Are We There Yet?
[March 11, 2004]
Winter rains have given way to warmer temps and sunshine. Granted, I'm smart enough to know that it's going to rain through the entire spring - because this IS Portland after all - but that's not the point.


::::: | Jalpuna Home | Archives | Top



::::: | All Content © 2004-2008
::::: | Jalpuna is hosted by and really digs DreamHost