humor | excerpts



Some Fridges Are Colder Than Others
[April 2, 2008]
The beauty of moving to a new apartment is that I get to start a whole new relationship with a different set of kitchen appliances. Believe me, I won't make some of the mistakes I made with my current fridge.

The Circumference Of Apple Pi
[March 15, 2008]
I don't understand how the circumference of Pi can be 3.14159 if Pi is shaped like that. Those crazy greeks! Where would I even find a pan that shape? I have to assume that's why we shape ours in a circle here in the U.S.

A Letter To Santa's Wife
[December 23, 2007]
Dear Mrs. Clause; I owe your husband an apology.

Ho Ho HO!!!!!
[December 15, 2007]
Her: "Yeah, his Santa suit was as authentic as it gets." Rob: "I know... I can't even tell you how much I wanted to sit in his lap. And not because of a weird fetish kind of thing..."

Snow In Portland?
[November 30, 2007]
Rush Limbaugh says no. Absolutely not. He doesn't do the white powdery stuff. He gets his thrills with pills.

Gobble Gobble Guffaw
[November 22, 2007]
What do vegetarians in Turkey call their country? Would the Ottomans still have an empire if they hadn't always had their feet up? The rule of threes requires that I add a third Turkey joke to this post, but alas, I have none. ...happy Thnksgiving! P.S. Here's a little something...

The Seattle Slut
[September 25, 2007]
But even better than Barts and Darts that lead to potentially lit Farts... Has mass transit ever seemed difficult? Well, in Seattle, it's easy, thanks to their new light rail extension: the South Lake Union Trolley.

I Think I Might Be Pregnant
[August 4, 2007]
As if the scene I've just laid out for you isn't pathetic enough, I should note that, eventually, a voice in my head cried out...

Where Your Treasure Is, There Will Your Heart Be Also
[July 21, 2007]
When are these kids going to throw the ring into the volcano? God damn. I'm not convinced they're ever going to make it back to the shire.

Statutory Rape
[July 17, 2007]
Maybe it's just me, but, I really don't think statutory rape makes for proper public conversation. I'm guessing you want the background story on that thought.

Yes! Yes! Oh God, YES!
[July 12, 2007]
Come to me. Come. Take my outstretched hand. Come! Touch me with your watery droplets. Share with me your wetness. It has been so long, and I... I have been so hot through the heat-wave. It was oh so brutal. And you... YOU! You are here... here with me now, just when I need you the most.

Crotch Monkey?!
[July 6, 2007]
See No Evil, Hear No Evil, Speak No Evil, And you would be...?

But Is She Really?
[June 7, 2007]
As heard on ABC...

Bottom Of The Box
[May 11, 2007]
The lesson to be learned here is this: never try to reason with a tissue. In fact, I wouldn't try it with any disposable paper products, frankly. They're all drama queens. Paper towels, napkins, tissues... don't even get me started on toilet paper. Drama. Fucking. Queens.

With Great Power Comes Opportunity
[May 9, 2007]
It was only when I stepped into the elevator to retrieve my mail one afternoon that I realized the great power I suddenly - and thankfully just temporarily - possessed.

A Game Of Fiction Scrabble
[March 6, 2007]
Now, as I'm sure you know, a pigeon dumpling is a pigeon dumpling is a pigeon dumpling. It's a common thing. But every now and then, the pigeon in the pigeon dumpling is, in fact, a dead-magician-pigeon...

Me, Them, And A Yak
[February 17, 2007]
Maybe in Zimbabwe people might take the time to read that sort of thing. I don't know... I've never been there... but here in Portland, well... I think people would see a guy with a sign and tell him they don't have a dollar. Or they'd protest the yak for wearing fur.

I'm A Bad, Bad, Blogger
[February 15, 2007]
Awe hell... I'll save you the trouble. Here's the link.

Frosty Tha Mutha Fukkin' Snowmizzle
[December 14, 2006]
Apparently, Perry Como didn't make the cut for the iTunes 'clean' label, probably because everybody knows he's such a gangsta pimp, know what I'm sayin'? Perry Mofo Como...

The Captain. The Polygamist?
[October 21, 2006]
"The Captain is affectionate and social, giving headbutts to show his appreciation for being loved. Being enthusiastic, he would be an ideal companion." Holy crap! That's me! ...minus the headbutts and cool title, of course.

Wassup, G?
[September 21, 2006]
Now, I realize that's most likely just a typo... but still... it's pretty damn funny.

Shiver Me Timbers! It's Talk Like A Pirate Day Matey!
[September 19, 2006]
Ahoy, and now, tis' time for some pirate humor. Thar be a bounty of booty in the form of bad jokes fer yer' humor plunderin'. Gar, Where can I find a bottle o'rum? Let's go!

Jesus!
[August 29, 2006]
Would it be too disturbing if I were to specify in my will that I want my coffin wrapped in tin-foil and filled with Orville Redenbacher's finest?

Away
[August 17, 2006]
I'm headed out for a one day road-trip to Seattle... should be fun. In the meantime, you're on notice!

Scrabble Alternatives
[July 20, 2006]
Jihad Scrabble: Create combinations of letters that sound like what Osama Bin LAden is saying in his many videos (before translation to English of course). You have to say what the word means, but that's easy. When in doubt, just say "Death to America."

Did You Have Fun While You Were Away?
[July 5, 2006]
Why yes, in fact, there IS a Monster under my bed. It's him.

Listen Bitch, We Need To Talk
[July 2, 2006]
I wouldn't be so pissy about this if it weren't for the fact that we took the time and effort to clearly label all 50 states with a handy color coded system.

This Is Why I Love My Friends
[June 26, 2006]
God do I know some strange people. Then again, I'm sure that's what they say when referring to me

National Kiss My Ass Day
[June 23, 2006]
July 14th, A.K.A., Bastille Day in France. If there's one thing that the entire world can agree on, it is making fun of the French. Consider it a step towards world peace by making a day to tell them to "kiss my ass!"

I Can't Believe It's Not Butter!
[June 22, 2006]
No - wait - that's not it... I can't believe it's National Chocolate Eclair Day!

Because There Was No Year Zero
[June 11, 2006]
Do you think there was a guy born in the year 1 AD named Chuck who tried to convince people that B.C. stood for "Before Chuck"?

I Fought The Wall And The Wall Won
[May 17, 2006]
In my defense, I was sold a defective wall anchor, which chewed through screws faster than a prostitute on SE 82nd.

Footinmouf Syndrome
[May 5, 2006]
My favorite awkward moment memory comes from a stop at Aveda in the fall of 2004. A flamboyant salesman pumped himself a handful of goo as he turned to ask me: "So, Rob, where do you shave?"

Burton Is Not A Meal
[April 7, 2006]
When I ordered my Veggie Burger with Bacon, the cook delivered it to my table with a smile, noting that it's even better with cheese. Do this, and you've got a piece of politically-incorrect perfection where everybody but you gets fucked over thrice.

Temptress!!!
[March 22, 2006]
I bet you're down there in California, shining it up on all of the... the... the... the Californians!!!

The Gal, The Guy, And The Grill
[March 19, 2006]
A true story about a friend of a friend, and assistance not given.

Jesus!
[March 17, 2006]
In order to clarify its position on homosexuality, the Catholic church has amended the phrase "Jesus Loves You."

Crap
[March 14, 2006]
...this is why I am so rarely quoted.

Yuck For The Happy Trash
[February 19, 2006]
Yeah, I even grossed myself out with that one, though I must admit the move was highly effective.

It's A Sham
[January 24, 2006]
Next time we're in a clothes store, I should drop my pants and give you a look around. 75% of the store is clothes for women. Penis-bearers are lucky to get even a quarter of the store.

Hacky Sack
[January 17, 2006]
"Every time you eat a steak, a hippie's hacky sack goes into the sewer."

Lucky You
[December 21, 2005]
"Doing a little holiday shopping?" asked the twelve year old behind what used to be called a cash register. "Why, yes!" I thought to myself. "What could make a better Christmas present than 'Data Rescue II - Emergency Hard Drive Recovery'?"

FYI? No. Eff My Eye!
[November 19, 2005]
The phrase-that-pays for this particular post is "Muff! It's what's for dinner!" But before I get to that part of the story, I have to fess-up. I am a bad man.

A Bee And A Bam
[November 10, 2005]
There was a bee flying around inside her car! An agitated bee no less. What more of a need could there be to for self-defense than this?

What The Toe Knows
[September 13, 2005]
It's ten of them against one of me, and I don't like those odds.

You Animal!
[August 21, 2005]
The polar bear stopped backing up. He was now standing only a few feet in front of the window, which meant that we were all staring at a giant polar bear ass. And then the polar bear did something nobody expected.

In Cahoots With Moot
[August 19, 2005]
I can't get me enough of a word like moot. If not for the fact that my voice is two blocks south of horrendous, I'd walk around singing Jessie's Girl all day and night, just so I'd have an excuse to get my moot on.

Bitches I Won't Miss When I Someday Leave This Joint
[June 19, 2005]
It's not that I'm looking forward to moving out of this loft. It's a great space. I'm happy here, but that doesn't mean all is bliss in my little polka-joyland. It isn't. And with that in mind...

I Know You're Going To Read This Because It's About Porn
[April 11, 2005]
Oh god, I can't help myself... I want... I lust... I crave...

Sling Shots And Monkey Bars
[April 4, 2005]
I have to listen to the product of poor parenting screaming her head of in a restaurant. My best hope is that maybe - just MAYBE - she'll sling-shot herself onto the road when her parents take her to the park.

Spoofing The Spoofer
[March 4, 2005]
Having to see a doctor because of a four hour erection is fun! But it won't save you any money on car insurance

One Side Of A Conversation With God
[January 24, 2005]
Hey God, it's me. Do me a favor and start up your computer. I want to forward you some of the religious spam I get every day.

This Post Brought To You By The Color White
[January 13, 2005]
It's a mighty leap from biscuits verses rolls to missionary verses whatever comes just close enough to setting their geezer pacemakers off without actually killing one of them.

My Cats Think I'm An Idiot
[January 11, 2005]
I see them look at me and stare as if I have no clue they question my intellect. And thus, we find ourselves locked into some sort of Mexican standoff - which, by the way, is a term I've never understood.

MCI: Can You Hear Me NOW?
[December 28, 2004]
Please tell me you didn't just ask me if the phone is plugged in. Hhhmmmmmph. Yes I'll hold.

Application For Getting Oneself Knocked Up
[November 29, 2004]
Walmart is: a. Where I buys me my wine in a box b. Where I gots me a gun rack on layaway c. Ack! Ack! Ack! Ack! Ack! Ack! Ack!

Holiday Tip #347.2: Parking Vultures
[November 28, 2004]
A little parking lot fun. Try it - You'll like it!

I Did Something Stupid. Bring Tools
[November 9, 2004]
We men do really dumb things. I don't know why. Maybe it's genetic. All I know is that I'm glad my friends are less inept than I. I'm also glad I can be so entertaining. This is a story about me being dumb, but entertaining...

Clothing Auditions
[October 21, 2004]
Any time something new comes along (say, a new gray sweater) something else has to GO. But how to choose? I hold clothing auditions of course.

Wire The Weatherman
[October 12, 2004]
I'm tired of our weather forecasts being miles off the mark. They're not even close, but I've got a plan to change all that, utilizing audience participation and not quite enough electricity to kill a man. Surely this idea is a winner.

O.C.D, Yeah You Know Me
[October 6, 2004]
It started at the Rock Bottom Brewery two years ago. I was sitting across the table from an ex-girlfriend. Being an ex involves abilities to get away with pissing me off more than usual. After all, what am I to do - dump the bitch?

Mom And The Unnamed One
[September 17, 2004]
I don't recall how we found mom - or if it was mom that somehow found us. I simply remember opening a drawer in the kitchen one day, and there she was. She had a silver metal top and wooden handle - just like any other hammer. And scribbled in black marker down her handle was one word: Mom.

Triple R: Rob's Releationship Rules
[September 11, 2004]
Rule #s 14 through 16: No cell phone during sex. One incoming call max during dates - or when we're eating - or doing pretty much anything else. You get the idea. Also, no cell phone in bed. Especially not when... well... y'know... [see rule 14]

Straight Man Shopping
[September 10, 2004]
If I'm going to feel this awkward, I should at least get to see some women's underwear. Victoria's Secret needs to start selling my favorite shampoo. And candles. (What?!? They sell candles there? Woo-Hoo!!! Awkward shopping, here I come!)

Why Guys Like Smokers
[August 20, 2004]
I have an old friend who doesn't drink or smoke - but he goes out to the bars every Friday and Saturday night. I was always the relationship guy, whereas he was picking up women left and right. Here's the reason he sought out smokers.

Greatest American Hero
[August 19, 2004]
Ever since moving to Portland, I felt like the dating version of that guy. All men here should be issued a set of dating instructions. A manual - yes yes! We need... well, to hell with other men... *I* need a manual. Without it, I am forced to endure countless scrapes and bruises.

Can-O-Raunch
[July 22, 2004]
I'm working on what shall surely be my greatest invention ever! The idea is to create a spray-able can of raunchy stink with a gray tint. I'm calling it "Can-O-Raunch!" It'll be a non-smoker's best friend.

Sisyphus & Me, For Eternity
[July 11, 2004]
I was headed to The Lucky Lab last night with a friend, when all of a sudden, she smiled a grin so wide I worried the top half of her head would lack proper support from the bottom, leaving both halves in serious risk of collapse...

I've Changed My Opinion On Gay Marriage
[June 14, 2004]
I am in favor of gay men being able to get married if they so choose. I am in favor of straight men marrying each other so long as neither one of them is me. But here's where my position on gay marriage gets a little tricky...

The Loveseat - Part 2
[June 8, 2004]
Never let it be said that I can't outwit a piece of furniture...

When Thoughts Escape
[June 7, 2004]
They sneak their way towards the lower part of my brain, swirling into the top of my throat - avoiding the tonsils, around the tongue, past the teeth when they spot a clearing - and then wheeeeee!!!

Is The Miss Universe Pageant Fixed?
[June 1, 2004]
Miss Universe should be able to eat a sheep-eye smorgasbord after proving she actually KNOWS something, knows how to DO something, and has courage as well ...otherwise, the other contestants should get to vote the bitch off.

Beeeee-Deeeeep!
[May 30, 2004]
Ever have one of those moments when you're faced with such stupidity that you want to trade up from the human race into something smarter?

My Top Five 'High Fidelity' Quotes
[May 28, 2004]
Maybe you'd sneak into the top ten. But there's just no room for you in the top five, sorry. Those places are reserved for the kind of humiliation and heartbreak you're just not capable of delivering.

My Jesus Year
[May 24, 2004]
Forget about "FUCK!" -- "Shit" shall be shunned -- Adios "ass". -- Bye bye "Bitch" -- Don't dare "Damn" -- Can't say "Cu..." ok I never say that one. But even if I did, I wouldn't, because it's my Jesus year.

Unibrowism
[May 23, 2004]
You KNOW what they say about those unibrow people. They're just not 'right'. Or left! They're BOTH at the SAME TIME!!! If the brow don't split, you isn't fit.

My Top Ten Favorite Digits
[May 22, 2004]
A little mindless humor...

I'm A Pig?
[May 20, 2004]
"Yeah? And you're a bumbling bastard with B.O!" -- "No man, it's Chinese astrology." -- Oh...

Bite The Wax Tadpole
[May 18, 2004]
What happens if a big asteroid hits Earth? Judging from realistic simulations involving a sledge hammer and a common laboratory frog, we can assume it will be pretty bad. - Dave Barry

All In The Family Of Me
[May 16, 2004]
"Embrace your inner-dork" Holly would say. And I did. But as I got in touch with my uber-dorky-badass-self, I discovered there was a whole family of freaks in there. Let's meet a few of 'em

Duncan's Tale
[May 7, 2004]
It was a long quiet ride home. Not that I expected my plant to speak to me - but if he 'could have', he still wouldn't have... though I swear I heard him singing Depeche Mode at one point: "Death is everywhere..."

Now Arriving In Milan, New Hampshire
[May 5, 2004]
Well, they don't speak Italian in Milan Georgia, but I still couldn't understand a word. Y'all huh? Fixin' what? Piggly Wiggly who?

Sad Potato Has Sexual Side Effects
[April 28, 2004]
Problem #1: Side effects may include...upset stomach, trouble sleeping, diarrhea, dry mouth, sexual side effects, feeling sleepy or tired, tremor, indigestion, sweating, feeling agitated, and having less appetite. Problem #2: HE'S A FRIGGIN' TATER!

Wanna Win A Walrus?
[April 1, 2004]
CALLER: "My daughter won a leopard from your radio station." ...DJ: "Yeah...?" ...CALLER: "Well we live in an apartment, so we can't have a leopard." ...DJ: "How big is the apartment?"

Three Buck Chuck & Some Yuck Yuck Yuck
[March 28, 2004]
Last sunday night, I had a friend over for drinks. As we walk out my front door, we find him standing in the hallway sporting his tighty-whities while having a semi-voluntary chat with two police officers...

I Want A Damn Secret Decoder Ring
[March 24, 2004]
One woman pours her lonely heart out with sheer sincerity through poetry and prose. The next says she's looking for a large man who'll give it to her in the ass. People truly are wondrous creatures!

Sponge-Bob No-Pants
[March 11, 2004]
As if most drivers aren't horrifying enough WITHOUT distraction... here's a piece of sheer comedy

What Ever Happened To Stupid People?
[March 10, 2004]
Years ago, dumbasses were everywhere. I knew who they were. You knew who they were. EVERYBODY knew who they were. Things were simpler then... ahhh, I remember it like it was just a lot of years ago, and I was still a kid in high school

Me Verses Spam
[March 8, 2004]
"Should I forward this email promising whiter teeth, inner peace and multiple orgasms to Duncan?" It's a difficult decision to make, and it's a decision you shouldn't have to make on your own. Lucky for you, I'm here to help...


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