funny (excerpts)

What can I Say? Sometimes I crack myself up. I think it's a good thing to enjoy your own sense of humor. Somebody has to, eh? And, hey, if you make yourself laugh, at least you know you made SOMEBODY laugh. That's good enough for me.

  • The Ottoman

    Needless to say, we spent the rest of the evening in stunned silence.

    (May  5, 2016)

  • Something Other Than Dust In The Wind

    And at that moment, a rustle of wind blew through the bare trees, which I can only assume was caused by the collective sighs of 583,776 people as the entire population of our fair city whispered, in unison...

    (January 26, 2015)

  • Oh God, But Not Really

    Don't look at me like that. You'd do it too.

    (June  2, 2014)

  • Roy's Tale

    I'm gonna Roy G Biv you, muthafukka! You have no idea what I'm talking about. How do you not know what ROYGBIV is?????

    (May 27, 2014)

  • May Cause Sexual Side Effects

    Choosing the right medicine is so confusing without the ads. All you can do is look at a brown bottle with a white sticker and wonder "Is this the one that lets people surf through a field on a sunny day, or is it the one for the sad cartoon potato?"

    (January  6, 2013)

  • Dear Nose

    P.S. Dear Penis; I know what you heard, but nobody was talking to you. Or about you.

    (January 11, 2012)

  • Hello Lover

    Rob: "Hello coffee, my long lost love." Coffee: "Long lost? What the hell? I see you all the time." Rob: "I haven't seen you since LAST YEAR!" Coffee: "FACEPALM."

    (January  1, 2012)

  • Gobble Gobble

    Would the Ottomans still have an empire if they hadn't always had their feet up?

    (November 24, 2011)

  • I'm Just Axin' A Question

    Which of my friends is most likely to be an ax murderer? The larger the number of friends, the more difficult it is to figure out which one of those sons of bitches the ax murderer is most likely to be.

    (December  7, 2010)

  • This Thought Was Best By Today

    "Man, Rob, you're a jerk." Yeah, but before my Best By date, I used to be awesome, whereas you've always been a douche bag.

    (February  9, 2010)

  • I've Got A Joke

    ...A skeleton walks into a bar...

    (January 30, 2010)

  • Admit It: You'd Watch This

    America's newest reality TV sensation: "Jon And Kate, Plus The Heenes As Freight!" We did this for the show.

    (October 20, 2009)

  • A Hipster With A Hippopotamus

    The menu featured locally brewed Porters and Stouts, ESB's more bitter than a second ex-wife who got nothing in the divorce, and even an Amber named after a neighborhood hot chick who, curiously enough, isn't named Amber. He could have had any of these.

    (January 17, 2009)

  • Yet Another Job, Outsourced

    Dear spammer from Bangladesh...

    (December  5, 2008)

  • Best! Manual! Ever!

    Even as a child, I read product manuals, and yes, I realize that's a frightening thought. But even more frightening than the thought of an eight year old reading the manual to his new slot-car race track is the memory that manual left with the boy.

    (December  2, 2008)

  • Is My Apartment Haunted?

    There were two voices, and they seemed to come from inside my apartment. They were as clear as day, but I was the only one home.

    (November 13, 2008)

  • I Know When To Let It Hang

    Not your typical dinner conversation, eh? Thank god she was talking about my...

    (September 20, 2008)

  • Shiver Me Timbers! It's Talk Like A Pirate Day Matey!

    Ahoy, and now, tis' time for some pirate humor. Thar be a bounty of booty in the form of bad jokes fer yer' humor plunderin'. Gar, Where can I find a bottle o'rum? Let's go!

    (September 19, 2008)

  • Some Fridges Are Colder Than Others

    The beauty of moving to a new apartment is that I get to start a whole new relationship with a different set of kitchen appliances. Believe me, I won't make some of the mistakes I made with my current fridge.

    (April  2, 2008)

  • The Circumference Of Apple Pi

    I don't understand how the circumference of Pi can be 3.14159 if Pi is shaped like that. Those crazy greeks! Where would I even find a pan that shape? I have to assume that's why we shape ours in a circle here in the U.S.

    (March 15, 2008)

  • A Letter To Santa's Wife

    Dear Mrs. Clause; I owe your husband an apology.

    (December 23, 2007)

  • Ho Ho HO!!!!!

    Her: "Yeah, his Santa suit was as authentic as it gets." Rob: "I know... I can't even tell you how much I wanted to sit in his lap. And not because of a weird fetish kind of thing..."

    (December 15, 2007)

  • Fuck Burt Bacharach

    When the power went out at my place late yesterday afternoon... when I wandered outside, in the darkness, roaming around the block to see if it was just my building was the only one suddenly without power... and as the wind was blowing and the rain was coming down... do you know what I was thinking?

    (December  4, 2007)

  • Snow In Portland?

    Rush Limbaugh says no. Absolutely not. He doesn't do the white powdery stuff. He gets his thrills with pills.

    (November 30, 2007)

  • The Seattle Slut

    But even better than Barts and Darts that lead to potentially lit Farts... Has mass transit ever seemed difficult? Well, in Seattle, it's easy, thanks to their new light rail extension: the South Lake Union Trolley.

    (September 25, 2007)

  • I Think I Might Be Pregnant

    As if the scene I've just laid out for you isn't pathetic enough, I should note that, eventually, a voice in my head cried out...

    (August  4, 2007)

  • Where Your Treasure Is, There Will Your Heart Be Also

    When are these kids going to throw the ring into the volcano? God damn. I'm not convinced they're ever going to make it back to the shire.

    (July 21, 2007)

  • Statutory Rape

    Maybe it's just me, but, I really don't think statutory rape makes for proper public conversation. I'm guessing you want the background story on that thought.

    (July 17, 2007)

  • Yes! Yes! Oh God, YES!

    Come to me. Come. Take my outstretched hand. Come! Touch me with your watery droplets. Share with me your wetness. It has been so long, and I... I have been so hot through the heat-wave. It was oh so brutal. And you... YOU! You are here... here with me now, just when I need you the most.

    (July 12, 2007)

  • Crotch Monkey?!

    See No Evil, Hear No Evil, Speak No Evil, And you would be...?

    (July  6, 2007)

  • But Is She Really?

    As heard on ABC...

    (June  7, 2007)

  • Bottom Of The Box

    The lesson to be learned here is this: never try to reason with a tissue. In fact, I wouldn't try it with any disposable paper products, frankly. They're all drama queens. Paper towels, napkins, tissues... don't even get me started on toilet paper. Drama. Fucking. Queens.

    (May 11, 2007)

  • With Great Power Comes Opportunity

    It was only when I stepped into the elevator to retrieve my mail one afternoon that I realized the great power I suddenly - and thankfully just temporarily - possessed.

    (May  9, 2007)

  • A Game Of Fiction Scrabble

    Now, as I'm sure you know, a pigeon dumpling is a pigeon dumpling is a pigeon dumpling. It's a common thing. But every now and then, the pigeon in the pigeon dumpling is, in fact, a dead-magician-pigeon...

    (March  6, 2007)

  • Me, Them, And A Yak

    Maybe in Zimbabwe people might take the time to read that sort of thing. I don't know... I've never been there... but here in Portland, well... I think people would see a guy with a sign and tell him they don't have a dollar. Or they'd protest the yak for wearing fur.

    (February 17, 2007)

  • I'm A Bad, Bad, Blogger

    Awe hell... I'll save you the trouble. Here's the link.

    (February 15, 2007)

  • Frosty Tha Mutha Fukkin' Snowmizzle

    Apparently, Perry Como didn't make the cut for the iTunes 'clean' label, probably because everybody knows he's such a gangsta pimp, know what I'm sayin'? Perry Mofo Como...

    (December 14, 2006)

  • The Captain. The Polygamist?

    "The Captain is affectionate and social, giving headbutts to show his appreciation for being loved. Being enthusiastic, he would be an ideal companion." Holy crap! That's me! ...minus the headbutts and cool title, of course.

    (October 21, 2006)

  • Wassup, G?

    Now, I realize that's most likely just a typo... but still... it's pretty damn funny.

    (September 21, 2006)

  • Jesus!

    Would it be too disturbing if I were to specify in my will that I want my coffin wrapped in tin-foil and filled with Orville Redenbacher's finest?

    (August 29, 2006)

  • Away

    I'm headed out for a one day road-trip to Seattle... should be fun. In the meantime, you're on notice!

    (August 17, 2006)

  • Did You Have Fun While You Were Away?

    Why yes, in fact, there IS a Monster under my bed. It's him.

    (July  5, 2006)

  • Listen Bitch, We Need To Talk

    I wouldn't be so pissy about this if it weren't for the fact that we took the time and effort to clearly label all 50 states with a handy color coded system.

    (July  2, 2006)

  • This Is Why I Love My Friends

    God do I know some strange people. Then again, I'm sure that's what they say when referring to me

    (June 26, 2006)

  • National Kiss My Ass Day

    July 14th, A.K.A., Bastille Day in France. If there's one thing that the entire world can agree on, it is making fun of the French. Consider it a step towards world peace by making a day to tell them to "kiss my ass!"

    (June 23, 2006)

  • I Can't Believe It's Not Butter!

    No - wait - that's not it... I can't believe it's National Chocolate Eclair Day!

    (June 22, 2006)

  • Because There Was No Year Zero

    Do you think there was a guy born in the year 1 AD named Chuck who tried to convince people that B.C. stood for "Before Chuck"?

    (June 11, 2006)

  • I Fought The Wall And The Wall Won

    In my defense, I was sold a defective wall anchor, which chewed through screws faster than a prostitute on SE 82nd.

    (May 17, 2006)

  • Footinmouf Syndrome

    For reasons he did not make clear to me ahead of time, the overly enthusiastic salesman who'd helped me with my purchase pumped himself a handful of mystery goo before turning to ask me the following:

    (May  5, 2006)

  • Burton Is Not A Meal

    When I ordered my Veggie Burger with Bacon, the cook delivered it to my table with a smile, noting that it's even better with cheese. Do this, and you've got a piece of politically-incorrect perfection where everybody but you gets fucked over thrice.

    (April  7, 2006)

  • Temptress!!!

    I bet you're down there in California, shining it up on all of the... the... the... the Californians!!!

    (March 22, 2006)

  • The Gal, The Guy, And The Grill

    A true story about a friend of a friend, and assistance not given.

    (March 19, 2006)

  • Jesus!

    In order to clarify its position on homosexuality, the Catholic church has amended the phrase "Jesus Loves You."

    (March 17, 2006)

  • Crap

    ...this is why I am so rarely quoted.

    (March 14, 2006)

  • Yuck For The Happy Trash

    Yeah, I even grossed myself out with that one, though I must admit the move was highly effective.

    (February 19, 2006)

  • It's A Sham

    Next time we're in a clothes store, I should drop my pants and give you a look around. 75% of the store is clothes for women. Penis-bearers are lucky to get even a quarter of the store.

    (January 24, 2006)

  • Hacky Sack

    "Every time you eat a steak, a hippie's hacky sack goes into the sewer."

    (January 17, 2006)

  • Lucky You

    "Doing a little holiday shopping?" asked the sixteen year old behind what used to be called a cash register. "Why, yes!" I thought to myself. "What could make a better Christmas present than 'Data Rescue II - Emergency Hard Drive Recovery'?"

    (December 21, 2005)

  • FYI? No. Eff My Eye!

    The phrase-that-pays for this particular post is "Muff! It's what's for dinner!" But before I get to that part of the story, I have to fess-up. I am a bad man.

    (November 19, 2005)

  • A Bee And A Bam

    There was a bee flying around inside her car! An agitated bee no less. What more of a need could there be to for self-defense than this?

    (November 10, 2005)

  • What The Toe Knows

    It's ten of them against one of me, and I don't like those odds.

    (September 13, 2005)

  • You Animal!

    The polar bear stopped backing up. He was now standing only a few feet in front of the window, which meant that we were all staring at a giant polar bear ass. And then the polar bear did something nobody expected.

    (August 21, 2005)

  • In Cahoots With Moot

    I can't get me enough of a word like moot. If not for the fact that my voice is two blocks south of horrendous, I'd walk around singing Jessie's Girl all day and night, just so I'd have an excuse to get my moot on.

    (August 19, 2005)

  • Idaho!

    Oh my god do people crack me up. Check out the google search somebody did that led them to Jalpuna...

    (July 11, 2005)

  • Bitches I Won't Miss When I Someday Leave This Joint

    It's not that I'm looking forward to moving out of this loft. It's a great space. I'm happy here, but that doesn't mean all is bliss in my little polka-joyland. It isn't. And with that in mind...

    (June 19, 2005)

  • I Know You're Going To Read This Because It's About Porn

    Oh god, I can't help myself... I want... I lust... I crave...

    (April 11, 2005)

  • Sling Shots And Monkey Bars

    I have to listen to the product of poor parenting screaming her head of in a restaurant. My best hope is that maybe - just MAYBE - she'll sling-shot herself onto the road when her parents take her to the park.

    (April  4, 2005)

  • Spoofing The Spoofer

    Having to see a doctor because of a four hour erection is fun! But it won't save you any money on car insurance

    (March  4, 2005)

  • One Side Of A Conversation With God

    Hey God, it's me. Do me a favor and start up your computer. I want to forward you some of the religious spam I get every day.

    (January 24, 2005)

  • This Post Brought To You By The Color White

    It's a mighty leap from biscuits verses rolls to missionary verses whatever comes just close enough to setting their geezer pacemakers off without actually killing one of them.

    (January 13, 2005)

  • My Cats Think I'm An Idiot

    I see them look at me and stare as if I have no clue they question my intellect. And thus, we find ourselves locked into some sort of Mexican standoff - which, by the way, is a term I've never understood.

    (January 11, 2005)

  • MCI: Can You Hear Me NOW?

    Please tell me you didn't just ask me if the phone is plugged in. Hhhmmmmmph. Yes I'll hold.

    (December 28, 2004)

  • Application For Getting Oneself Knocked Up

    Walmart is: a. Where I buys me my wine in a box b. Where I gots me a gun rack on layaway c. Ack! Ack! Ack! Ack! Ack! Ack! Ack!

    (November 29, 2004)

  • Holiday Tip #347.2: Parking Vultures

    A little parking lot fun. Try it - You'll like it!

    (November 28, 2004)

  • I Did Something Stupid. Bring Tools

    We men do really dumb things. I don't know why. Maybe it's genetic. All I know is that I'm glad my friends are less inept than I. I'm also glad I can be so entertaining. This is a story about me being dumb, but entertaining...

    (November  9, 2004)

  • Clothing Auditions

    Any time something new comes along (say, a new gray sweater) something else has to GO. But how to choose? I hold clothing auditions of course.

    (October 21, 2004)

  • Wire The Weatherman

    I'm tired of our weather forecasts being miles off the mark. They're not even close, but I've got a plan to change all that, utilizing audience participation and not quite enough electricity to kill a man. Surely this idea is a winner.

    (October 12, 2004)

  • O.C.D, Yeah You Know Me

    It started at the Rock Bottom Brewery two years ago. I was sitting across the table from an ex-girlfriend. Being an ex involves abilities to get away with pissing me off more than usual. After all, what am I to do - dump the bitch?

    (October  6, 2004)

  • Mom And The Unnamed One

    nitially, we debated whether it said "mom" or "wow," and though wow would have been a better name for a hammer, we stuck with mom - with good reason.

    (September 17, 2004)

  • Triple R: Rob's Releationship Rules

    Rule #s 14 through 16: No cell phone during sex. One incoming call max during dates - or when we're eating - or doing pretty much anything else. You get the idea. Also, no cell phone in bed. Especially not when... well... y'know... [see rule 14]

    (September 11, 2004)

  • Straight Man Shopping

    If I'm going to feel this awkward, I should at least get to see some women's underwear. Victoria's Secret needs to start selling my favorite shampoo. And candles. (What?!? They sell candles there? Woo-Hoo!!! Awkward shopping, here I come!)

    (September 10, 2004)

  • Why Guys Like Smokers

    I have an old friend who doesn't drink or smoke - but he goes out to the bars every Friday and Saturday night. I was always the relationship guy, whereas he was picking up women left and right. Here's the reason he sought out smokers.

    (August 20, 2004)

  • Greatest American Hero

    Ever since moving to Portland, I felt like the dating version of that guy. All men here should be issued a set of dating instructions. A manual - yes yes! We need... well, to hell with other men... *I* need a manual. Without it, I am forced to endure countless scrapes and bruises.

    (August 19, 2004)

  • Can-O-Raunch

    I'm working on what shall surely be my greatest invention ever! The idea is to create a spray-able can of raunchy stink with a gray tint. I'm calling it "Can-O-Raunch!" It'll be a non-smoker's best friend.

    (July 22, 2004)

  • Sisyphus & Me, For Eternity

    I was headed to The Lucky Lab last night with a friend, when all of a sudden, she smiled a grin so wide I worried the top half of her head would lack proper support from the bottom, leaving both halves in serious risk of collapse...

    (July 11, 2004)

  • I've Changed My Opinion On Gay Marriage

    I am in favor of gay men being able to get married if they so choose. I am in favor of straight men marrying each other so long as neither one of them is me. But here's where my position on gay marriage gets a little tricky...

    (June 14, 2004)

  • When Thoughts Escape

    They sneak their way towards the lower part of my brain, swirling into the top of my throat - avoiding the tonsils, around the tongue, past the teeth when they spot a clearing - and then wheeeeee!!!

    (June  7, 2004)

  • Is The Miss Universe Pageant Fixed?

    Miss Universe should be able to eat a sheep-eye smorgasbord after proving she actually KNOWS something, knows how to DO something, and has courage as well ...otherwise, the other contestants should get to vote the bitch off.

    (June  1, 2004)

  • Beeeee-Deeeeep!

    Ever have one of those moments when you're faced with such stupidity that you want to trade up from the human race into something smarter?

    (May 30, 2004)

  • My Top Five 'High Fidelity' Quotes

    Maybe you'd sneak into the top ten. But there's just no room for you in the top five, sorry. Those places are reserved for the kind of humiliation and heartbreak you're just not capable of delivering.

    (May 28, 2004)

  • My Jesus Year

    Forget about "FUCK!" -- "Shit" shall be shunned -- Adios "ass". -- Bye bye "Bitch" -- Don't dare "Damn" -- Can't say "Cu..." ok I never say that one. But even if I did, I wouldn't, because it's my Jesus year.

    (May 24, 2004)

  • Unibrowism

    You KNOW what they say about those unibrow people. They're just not 'right'. Or left! They're BOTH at the SAME TIME!!! If the brow don't split, you isn't fit.

    (May 23, 2004)

  • My Top Ten Favorite Digits

    A little mindless humor...

    (May 22, 2004)

  • I'm A Pig?

    "Yeah? And you're a bumbling bastard with B.O!" -- "No man, it's Chinese astrology." -- Oh...

    (May 20, 2004)

  • Bite The Wax Tadpole

    What happens if a big asteroid hits Earth? Judging from realistic simulations involving a sledge hammer and a common laboratory frog, we can assume it will be pretty bad. - Dave Barry

    (May 18, 2004)

  • All In The Family Of Me

    "Embrace your inner-dork" Holly would say. And I did. But as I got in touch with my uber-dorky-badass-self, I discovered there was a whole family of freaks in there. Let's meet a few of 'em

    (May 16, 2004)

  • Duncan's Tale

    It was a long quiet ride home. Not that I expected my plant to speak to me - but if he 'could have', he still wouldn't have... though I swear I heard him singing Depeche Mode at one point: "Death is everywhere..."

    (May  7, 2004)

  • Now Arriving In Milan, New Hampshire

    Well, they don't speak Italian in Milan Georgia, but I still couldn't understand a word. Y'all huh? Fixin' what? Piggly Wiggly who?

    (May  5, 2004)

  • Sad Potato Has Sexual Side Effects

    Problem #1: Side effects may include...upset stomach, trouble sleeping, diarrhea, dry mouth, sexual side effects, feeling sleepy or tired, tremor, indigestion, sweating, feeling agitated, and having less appetite. Problem #2: HE'S A FRIGGIN' TATER!

    (April 28, 2004)

  • Wanna Win A Walrus?

    CALLER: "My daughter won a leopard from your radio station." ...DJ: "Yeah...?" ...CALLER: "Well we live in an apartment, so we can't have a leopard." ...DJ: "How big is the apartment?"

    (April  1, 2004)

  • Three Buck Chuck & Some Yuck Yuck Yuck

    Last sunday night, I had a friend over for drinks. As we walk out my front door, we find him standing in the hallway sporting his tighty-whities while having a semi-voluntary chat with two police officers...

    (March 28, 2004)

  • I Want A Damn Secret Decoder Ring

    One woman pours her lonely heart out with sheer sincerity through poetry and prose. The next says she's looking for a large man who'll give it to her in the ass. People truly are wondrous creatures!

    (March 24, 2004)

  • Sponge-Bob No-Pants

    As if most drivers aren't horrifying enough WITHOUT distraction... here's a piece of sheer comedy

    (March 11, 2004)

  • What Ever Happened To Stupid People?

    Years ago, dumbasses were everywhere. I knew who they were. You knew who they were. EVERYBODY knew who they were. Things were simpler then... ahhh, I remember it like it was just a lot of years ago, and I was still a kid in high school

    (March 10, 2004)

  • Me Verses Spam

    "Should I forward this email promising whiter teeth, inner peace and multiple orgasms to Duncan?" It's a difficult decision to make, and it's a decision you shouldn't have to make on your own. Lucky for you, I'm here to help...

    (March  8, 2004)

::::: | All Content © 2004-2017
::::: | Jalpuna is hosted by DreamHost