funny (excerpts)
What can I Say? Sometimes I crack myself up. I think it's a good thing to enjoy your own sense of humor. Somebody has to, eh? And, hey, if you make yourself laugh, at least you know you made SOMEBODY laugh. That's good enough for me.
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Choosing the right medicine is so confusing without the ads. All you can do is look at a brown bottle with a white sticker and wonder "Is this the one that lets people surf through a field on a sunny day, or is it the one for the sad cartoon potato?"
(January 6, 2013)
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P.S. Dear Penis; I know what you heard, but nobody was talking to you. Or about you.
(January 11, 2012)
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Rob: "Hello coffee, my long lost love." Coffee: "Long lost? What the hell? I see you all the time." Rob: "I haven't seen you since LAST YEAR!" Coffee: "FACEPALM."
(January 1, 2012)
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Would the Ottomans still have an empire if they hadn't always had their feet up?
(November 24, 2011)
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Which of my friends is most likely to be an ax murderer? The larger the number of friends, the more difficult it is to figure out which one of those sons of bitches the ax murderer is most likely to be.
(December 7, 2010)
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"Man, Rob, you're a jerk." Yeah, but before my Best By date, I used to be awesome, whereas you've always been a douche bag.
(February 9, 2010)
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...A skeleton walks into a bar...
(January 30, 2010)
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America's newest reality TV sensation: "Jon And Kate, Plus The Heenes As Freight!" We did this for the show.
(October 20, 2009)
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The menu featured locally brewed Porters and Stouts, ESB's more bitter than a second ex-wife who got nothing in the divorce, and even an Amber named after a neighborhood hot chick who, curiously enough, isn't named Amber. He could have had any of these.
(January 17, 2009)
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Dear spammer from Bangladesh...
(December 5, 2008)
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Even as a child, I read product manuals, and yes, I realize that's a frightening thought. But even more frightening than the thought of an eight year old reading the manual to his new slot-car race track is the memory that manual left with the boy.
(December 2, 2008)
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There were two voices, and they seemed to come from inside my apartment. They were as clear as day, but I was the only one home.
(November 13, 2008)
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Not your typical dinner conversation, eh? Thank god she was talking about my...
(September 20, 2008)
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Ahoy, and now, tis' time for some pirate humor. Thar be a bounty of booty in the form of bad jokes fer yer' humor plunderin'. Gar, Where can I find a bottle o'rum? Let's go!
(September 19, 2008)
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The beauty of moving to a new apartment is that I get to start a whole new relationship with a different set of kitchen appliances. Believe me, I won't make some of the mistakes I made with my current fridge.
(April 2, 2008)
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I don't understand how the circumference of Pi can be 3.14159 if Pi is shaped like that. Those crazy greeks! Where would I even find a pan that shape? I have to assume that's why we shape ours in a circle here in the U.S.
(March 15, 2008)
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Dear Mrs. Clause; I owe your husband an apology.
(December 23, 2007)
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Her: "Yeah, his Santa suit was as authentic as it gets." Rob: "I know... I can't even tell you how much I wanted to sit in his lap. And not because of a weird fetish kind of thing..."
(December 15, 2007)
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When the power went out at my place late yesterday afternoon... when I wandered outside, in the darkness, roaming around the block to see if it was just my building was the only one suddenly without power... and as the wind was blowing and the rain was coming down... do you know what I was thinking?
(December 4, 2007)
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Rush Limbaugh says no. Absolutely not. He doesn't do the white powdery stuff. He gets his thrills with pills.
(November 30, 2007)
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But even better than Barts and Darts that lead to potentially lit Farts... Has mass transit ever seemed difficult? Well, in Seattle, it's easy, thanks to their new light rail extension: the South Lake Union Trolley.
(September 25, 2007)
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As if the scene I've just laid out for you isn't pathetic enough, I should note that, eventually, a voice in my head cried out...
(August 4, 2007)
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When are these kids going to throw the ring into the volcano? God damn. I'm not convinced they're ever going to make it back to the shire.
(July 21, 2007)
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Maybe it's just me, but, I really don't think statutory rape makes for proper public conversation. I'm guessing you want the background story on that thought.
(July 17, 2007)
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Come to me. Come. Take my outstretched hand. Come! Touch me with your watery droplets. Share with me your wetness. It has been so long, and I... I have been so hot through the heat-wave. It was oh so brutal. And you... YOU! You are here... here with me now, just when I need you the most.
(July 12, 2007)
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See No Evil, Hear No Evil, Speak No Evil, And you would be...?
(July 6, 2007)
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As heard on ABC...
(June 7, 2007)
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The lesson to be learned here is this: never try to reason with a tissue. In fact, I wouldn't try it with any disposable paper products, frankly. They're all drama queens. Paper towels, napkins, tissues... don't even get me started on toilet paper. Drama. Fucking. Queens.
(May 11, 2007)
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It was only when I stepped into the elevator to retrieve my mail one afternoon that I realized the great power I suddenly - and thankfully just temporarily - possessed.
(May 9, 2007)
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Now, as I'm sure you know, a pigeon dumpling is a pigeon dumpling is a pigeon dumpling. It's a common thing. But every now and then, the pigeon in the pigeon dumpling is, in fact, a dead-magician-pigeon...
(March 6, 2007)
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Maybe in Zimbabwe people might take the time to read that sort of thing. I don't know... I've never been there... but here in Portland, well... I think people would see a guy with a sign and tell him they don't have a dollar. Or they'd protest the yak for wearing fur.
(February 17, 2007)
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Awe hell... I'll save you the trouble. Here's the link.
(February 15, 2007)
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Apparently, Perry Como didn't make the cut for the iTunes 'clean' label, probably because everybody knows he's such a gangsta pimp, know what I'm sayin'? Perry Mofo Como...
(December 14, 2006)
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"The Captain is affectionate and social, giving headbutts to show his appreciation for being loved. Being enthusiastic, he would be an ideal companion." Holy crap! That's me! ...minus the headbutts and cool title, of course.
(October 21, 2006)
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Now, I realize that's most likely just a typo... but still... it's pretty damn funny.
(September 21, 2006)
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Would it be too disturbing if I were to specify in my will that I want my coffin wrapped in tin-foil and filled with Orville Redenbacher's finest?
(August 29, 2006)
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I'm headed out for a one day road-trip to Seattle... should be fun. In the meantime, you're on notice!
(August 17, 2006)
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Why yes, in fact, there IS a Monster under my bed. It's him.
(July 5, 2006)
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I wouldn't be so pissy about this if it weren't for the fact that we took the time and effort to clearly label all 50 states with a handy color coded system.
(July 2, 2006)
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God do I know some strange people. Then again, I'm sure that's what they say when referring to me
(June 26, 2006)
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July 14th, A.K.A., Bastille Day in France. If there's one thing that the entire world can agree on, it is making fun of the French. Consider it a step towards world peace by making a day to tell them to "kiss my ass!"
(June 23, 2006)
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No - wait - that's not it... I can't believe it's National Chocolate Eclair Day!
(June 22, 2006)
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Do you think there was a guy born in the year 1 AD named Chuck who tried to convince people that B.C. stood for "Before Chuck"?
(June 11, 2006)
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In my defense, I was sold a defective wall anchor, which chewed through screws faster than a prostitute on SE 82nd.
(May 17, 2006)
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My favorite awkward moment memory comes from a stop at Aveda in the fall of 2004. A flamboyant salesman pumped himself a handful of goo as he turned to ask me: "So, Rob, where do you shave?"
(May 5, 2006)
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When I ordered my Veggie Burger with Bacon, the cook delivered it to my table with a smile, noting that it's even better with cheese. Do this, and you've got a piece of politically-incorrect perfection where everybody but you gets fucked over thrice.
(April 7, 2006)
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I bet you're down there in California, shining it up on all of the... the... the... the Californians!!!
(March 22, 2006)
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A true story about a friend of a friend, and assistance not given.
(March 19, 2006)
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In order to clarify its position on homosexuality, the Catholic church has amended the phrase "Jesus Loves You."
(March 17, 2006)
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...this is why I am so rarely quoted.
(March 14, 2006)
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Yeah, I even grossed myself out with that one, though I must admit the move was highly effective.
(February 19, 2006)
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Next time we're in a clothes store, I should drop my pants and give you a look around. 75% of the store is clothes for women. Penis-bearers are lucky to get even a quarter of the store.
(January 24, 2006)
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"Every time you eat a steak, a hippie's hacky sack goes into the sewer."
(January 17, 2006)
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"Doing a little holiday shopping?" asked the sixteen year old behind what used to be called a cash register. "Why, yes!" I thought to myself. "What could make a better Christmas present than 'Data Rescue II - Emergency Hard Drive Recovery'?"
(December 21, 2005)
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The phrase-that-pays for this particular post is "Muff! It's what's for dinner!" But before I get to that part of the story, I have to fess-up. I am a bad man.
(November 19, 2005)
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There was a bee flying around inside her car! An agitated bee no less. What more of a need could there be to for self-defense than this?
(November 10, 2005)
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It's ten of them against one of me, and I don't like those odds.
(September 13, 2005)
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The polar bear stopped backing up. He was now standing only a few feet in front of the window, which meant that we were all staring at a giant polar bear ass. And then the polar bear did something nobody expected.
(August 21, 2005)
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I can't get me enough of a word like moot. If not for the fact that my voice is two blocks south of horrendous, I'd walk around singing Jessie's Girl all day and night, just so I'd have an excuse to get my moot on.
(August 19, 2005)
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Oh my god do people crack me up. Check out the google search somebody did that led them to Jalpuna...
(July 11, 2005)
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It's not that I'm looking forward to moving out of this loft. It's a great space. I'm happy here, but that doesn't mean all is bliss in my little polka-joyland. It isn't. And with that in mind...
(June 19, 2005)
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Oh god, I can't help myself... I want... I lust... I crave...
(April 11, 2005)
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I have to listen to the product of poor parenting screaming her head of in a restaurant. My best hope is that maybe - just MAYBE - she'll sling-shot herself onto the road when her parents take her to the park.
(April 4, 2005)
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Having to see a doctor because of a four hour erection is fun! But it won't save you any money on car insurance
(March 4, 2005)
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Hey God, it's me. Do me a favor and start up your computer. I want to forward you some of the religious spam I get every day.
(January 24, 2005)
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It's a mighty leap from biscuits verses rolls to missionary verses whatever comes just close enough to setting their geezer pacemakers off without actually killing one of them.
(January 13, 2005)
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I see them look at me and stare as if I have no clue they question my intellect. And thus, we find ourselves locked into some sort of Mexican standoff - which, by the way, is a term I've never understood.
(January 11, 2005)
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Please tell me you didn't just ask me if the phone is plugged in. Hhhmmmmmph. Yes I'll hold.
(December 28, 2004)
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Walmart is:
a. Where I buys me my wine in a box
b. Where I gots me a gun rack on layaway
c. Ack! Ack! Ack! Ack! Ack! Ack! Ack!
(November 29, 2004)
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A little parking lot fun. Try it - You'll like it!
(November 28, 2004)
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We men do really dumb things. I don't know why. Maybe it's genetic. All I know is that I'm glad my friends are less inept than I. I'm also glad I can be so entertaining. This is a story about me being dumb, but entertaining...
(November 9, 2004)
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Any time something new comes along (say, a new gray sweater) something else has to GO. But how to choose? I hold clothing auditions of course.
(October 21, 2004)
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I'm tired of our weather forecasts being miles off the mark. They're not even close, but I've got a plan to change all that, utilizing audience participation and not quite enough electricity to kill a man. Surely this idea is a winner.
(October 12, 2004)
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It started at the Rock Bottom Brewery two years ago. I was sitting across the table from an ex-girlfriend. Being an ex involves abilities to get away with pissing me off more than usual. After all, what am I to do - dump the bitch?
(October 6, 2004)
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nitially, we debated whether it said "mom" or "wow," and though wow would have been a better name for a hammer, we stuck with mom - with good reason.
(September 17, 2004)
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Rule #s 14 through 16: No cell phone during sex. One incoming call max during dates - or when we're eating - or doing pretty much anything else. You get the idea. Also, no cell phone in bed. Especially not when... well... y'know... [see rule 14]
(September 11, 2004)
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If I'm going to feel this awkward, I should at least get to see some women's underwear. Victoria's Secret needs to start selling my favorite shampoo. And candles. (What?!? They sell candles there? Woo-Hoo!!! Awkward shopping, here I come!)
(September 10, 2004)
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I have an old friend who doesn't drink or smoke - but he goes out to the bars every Friday and Saturday night. I was always the relationship guy, whereas he was picking up women left and right. Here's the reason he sought out smokers.
(August 20, 2004)
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Ever since moving to Portland, I felt like the dating version of that guy. All men here should be issued a set of dating instructions. A manual - yes yes! We need... well, to hell with other men... *I* need a manual. Without it, I am forced to endure countless scrapes and bruises.
(August 19, 2004)
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I'm working on what shall surely be my greatest invention ever! The idea is to create a spray-able can of raunchy stink with a gray tint. I'm calling it "Can-O-Raunch!" It'll be a non-smoker's best friend.
(July 22, 2004)
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I was headed to The Lucky Lab last night with a friend, when all of a sudden, she smiled a grin so wide I worried the top half of her head would lack proper support from the bottom, leaving both halves in serious risk of collapse...
(July 11, 2004)
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I am in favor of gay men being able to get married if they so choose. I am in favor of straight men marrying each other so long as neither one of them is me. But here's where my position on gay marriage gets a little tricky...
(June 14, 2004)
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Never let it be said that I can't outwit a piece of furniture...
(June 8, 2004)
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They sneak their way towards the lower part of my brain, swirling into the top of my throat - avoiding the tonsils, around the tongue, past the teeth when they spot a clearing - and then wheeeeee!!!
(June 7, 2004)
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Miss Universe should be able to eat a sheep-eye smorgasbord after proving she actually KNOWS something, knows how to DO something, and has courage as well ...otherwise, the other contestants should get to vote the bitch off.
(June 1, 2004)
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Ever have one of those moments when you're faced with such stupidity that you want to trade up from the human race into something smarter?
(May 30, 2004)
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Maybe you'd sneak into the top ten. But there's just no room for you in the top five, sorry. Those places are reserved for the kind of humiliation and heartbreak you're just not capable of delivering.
(May 28, 2004)
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Forget about "FUCK!" -- "Shit" shall be shunned -- Adios "ass". -- Bye bye "Bitch" -- Don't dare "Damn" -- Can't say "Cu..." ok I never say that one. But even if I did, I wouldn't, because it's my Jesus year.
(May 24, 2004)
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You KNOW what they say about those unibrow people. They're just not 'right'. Or left! They're BOTH at the SAME TIME!!! If the brow don't split, you isn't fit.
(May 23, 2004)
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A little mindless humor...
(May 22, 2004)
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"Yeah? And you're a bumbling bastard with B.O!" -- "No man, it's Chinese astrology." -- Oh...
(May 20, 2004)
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What happens if a big asteroid hits Earth? Judging from realistic simulations involving a sledge hammer and a common laboratory frog, we can assume it will be pretty bad. - Dave Barry
(May 18, 2004)
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"Embrace your inner-dork" Holly would say. And I did. But as I got in touch with my uber-dorky-badass-self, I discovered there was a whole family of freaks in there. Let's meet a few of 'em
(May 16, 2004)
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It was a long quiet ride home. Not that I expected my plant to speak to me - but if he 'could have', he still wouldn't have... though I swear I heard him singing Depeche Mode at one point: "Death is everywhere..."
(May 7, 2004)
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Well, they don't speak Italian in Milan Georgia, but I still couldn't understand a word. Y'all huh? Fixin' what? Piggly Wiggly who?
(May 5, 2004)
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Problem #1: Side effects may include...upset stomach, trouble sleeping, diarrhea, dry mouth, sexual side effects, feeling sleepy or tired, tremor, indigestion, sweating, feeling agitated, and having less appetite.
Problem #2: HE'S A FRIGGIN' TATER!
(April 28, 2004)
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CALLER: "My daughter won a leopard from your radio station." ...DJ: "Yeah...?" ...CALLER: "Well we live in an apartment, so we can't have a leopard." ...DJ: "How big is the apartment?"
(April 1, 2004)
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Last sunday night, I had a friend over for drinks. As we walk out my front door, we find him standing in the hallway sporting his tighty-whities while having a semi-voluntary chat with two police officers...
(March 28, 2004)
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One woman pours her lonely heart out with sheer sincerity through poetry and prose. The next says she's looking for a large man who'll give it to her in the ass. People truly are wondrous creatures!
(March 24, 2004)
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As if most drivers aren't horrifying enough WITHOUT distraction... here's a piece of sheer comedy
(March 11, 2004)
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Years ago, dumbasses were everywhere. I knew who they were. You knew who they were. EVERYBODY knew who they were. Things were simpler then... ahhh, I remember it like it was just a lot of years ago, and I was still a kid in high school
(March 10, 2004)
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"Should I forward this email promising whiter teeth, inner peace and multiple orgasms to Duncan?" It's a difficult decision to make, and it's a decision you shouldn't have to make on your own. Lucky for you, I'm here to help...
(March 8, 2004)
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