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A Letter To Santa's Wife
[December 23, 2007]
Dear Mrs. Clause; I owe your husband an apology.

Long Division
[November 1, 2007]
I thought of this one evening while flirting with a lovely woman. She was whip smart and funny as hell, but a sense of humor can be a a window into someone's mind if you take the time to look inside.

A Letter From Rory Escobar
[October 13, 2007]
"More Inches = More Sex" This is what Rory Escobar would like me to believe. Thanks for the email Rory, but I think we both know that's not how it works. More girlfriend = more sex.

9/11 Is The New Smurf
[September 27, 2007]
Is it just me, or does Rudy Giuliani suddenly look a whole lot like Gargamel? He speaks a cartoon language with an amazing word that means anything and everything. You say "Gun control?" He says "Smurf."

Livin' On A Prayer Plant
[September 25, 2007]
John Paul the Third is a fascinating plant. He raises his leaves at night and then lowers them in the day. He's living with me on a temporary loan, to see if we hit it off... but I'm not sure it's going to work out. Apparently, he has a thing for 80's cheese rockers.

As If
[July 28, 2007]
As if by magic, she expects her luck to change. She dreams of love as she blocks her heart from what her eyes see. She blames fate, but I know better.

Statutory Rape
[July 17, 2007]
Maybe it's just me, but, I really don't think statutory rape makes for proper public conversation. I'm guessing you want the background story on that thought.

Yes! Yes! Oh God, YES!
[July 12, 2007]
Come to me. Come. Take my outstretched hand. Come! Touch me with your watery droplets. Share with me your wetness. It has been so long, and I... I have been so hot through the heat-wave. It was oh so brutal. And you... YOU! You are here... here with me now, just when I need you the most.

Crotch Monkey?!
[July 6, 2007]
See No Evil, Hear No Evil, Speak No Evil, And you would be...?

A Different Kind Of Freedom
[July 4, 2007]
It's the Fourth Of July, and people are talk, talk, talking about freedom, but freedom is a tricky thing. We are free to live in the past and long for loves of the past and regret our mistakes of the past to the point where we alter the future in an attempt to not repeat the past, but is that really freedom?

The Bell Curve
[June 30, 2007]
"Life sure is getting complex. It is for you too? WOW! Let's make out."

Hope, Luck, And The Swirling Sea
[June 29, 2007]
Well, crap. I've written this post seven different ways over the last two weeks without finishing the thought, and on the eighth attempt...

I Am The Opposite
[May 31, 2007]
Though it was never my intention, I became the opposite of everything I knew as a child. My family are country folks. I'm a city boy. They're meat and potatoes. I could eat sushi daily. My father's family drinks cheap beer to excess. I drink microbrews, or wine but can't even remember the last time I was drunk. New Years Eve, 2000 maybe?

Bottom Of The Box
[May 11, 2007]
The lesson to be learned here is this: never try to reason with a tissue. In fact, I wouldn't try it with any disposable paper products, frankly. They're all drama queens. Paper towels, napkins, tissues... don't even get me started on toilet paper. Drama. Fucking. Queens.

With Great Power Comes Opportunity
[May 9, 2007]
It was only when I stepped into the elevator to retrieve my mail one afternoon that I realized the great power I suddenly - and thankfully just temporarily - possessed.

Farm-Bound
[May 1, 2007]
Burton was a good friend. We laughed together, we cried together, we swapped tales from days of our youths. I thought we had such great chemistry, but in the end, it wasn't enough. Also, he turned brown.

Should?
[February 23, 2007]
touch my hand. tensions rise. nerves can foil calm disguise

The Man From 237
[February 20, 2007]
If only our walls were thicker, I wouldn't have to know.

The Look I Never Knew
[February 9, 2007]
Your lows were among the lowest, but, oh, how your highs did soar. Do they still? It's been years...

Shine A Litte Light For Me
[January 6, 2007]
The feeling is irrational. I know this, but the heart wants what the heart wants, and my heart wants the light. Bring it back.

Damn Spam
[January 4, 2007]
"Be erect in less than 15 min!" In less than fifteen minutes? Really? Surely this product isn't made by a man.

And Take My Misses With You
[December 31, 2006]
Tomorrow is a new day, and I'll live it a new way, or the blame for continued misdirection will be mine.

To Pass Along
[December 9, 2006]
He does what he knows. She knows who she is. They are what they've left behind.

Tornado Ally
[December 6, 2006]
She was born like a kite in a storm. Though she howls like a tornado, she brings not winds of change.

It's In The Slug Mug
[December 5, 2006]
Pennies are not worthy of the slug mug.

Jalpuna's Hierarchy Of Needs
[November 10, 2006]
...or, How Maslow Can Kiss My Effin' Triangle!

The Captain. The Polygamist?
[October 21, 2006]
"The Captain is affectionate and social, giving headbutts to show his appreciation for being loved. Being enthusiastic, he would be an ideal companion." Holy crap! That's me! ...minus the headbutts and cool title, of course.

Bricks And Mortar
[October 17, 2006]
Oh, but when you kissed me...

Portland Oregon Rained On Me
[September 15, 2006]
It's not that I would rather see a sold gray sky without a slice of color...

Jesus!
[August 29, 2006]
Would it be too disturbing if I were to specify in my will that I want my coffin wrapped in tin-foil and filled with Orville Redenbacher's finest?

Somewhere Between The Moment And The Moon
[July 27, 2006]
Her pants-suit was on a clearance sale, it cost only a day. There's nothing more about that to say.

Burton And The Blasphemy Channel
[July 15, 2006]
Let's see what's on CNN. Let's see what's on The History Channel. What? It's the same damn show!

Uhm... WHAT?!
[July 13, 2006]
This was a first date, and since I'd already decided that there would not be a second, I let the awkward silence that followed hang to see what would happen next.

National Kiss My Ass Day
[June 23, 2006]
July 14th, A.K.A., Bastille Day in France. If there's one thing that the entire world can agree on, it is making fun of the French. Consider it a step towards world peace by making a day to tell them to "kiss my ass!"

I Can Fly
[June 13, 2006]
I can fly, but I crave your wings

Because There Was No Year Zero
[June 11, 2006]
Do you think there was a guy born in the year 1 AD named Chuck who tried to convince people that B.C. stood for "Before Chuck"?

Ghosts
[May 26, 2006]
Eleven year old boys aren't supposed to see their own names on tombstones, but that's the risk that comes with sharing your father's name.

I Fought The Wall And The Wall Won
[May 17, 2006]
In my defense, I was sold a defective wall anchor, which chewed through screws faster than a prostitute on SE 82nd.

To Find Someone You Love
[May 13, 2006]
"Baby steps get on the elevator... baby steps get on the elevator... Ah, I'm on the elevator."

It's Up To You...
[May 3, 2006]
To let someone in. To let something happen. To let someone know. To let something grow.

Crap
[March 14, 2006]
...this is why I am so rarely quoted.

The Leaves
[March 7, 2006]
Though you made my heart quiver, you will make the trees shiver.

Grandma's Gifts
[March 1, 2006]
I'll be honest with you, I didn't even know that could be done! I had no idea you could mail a package across two continents, not to mention Central America, without using airmail.

You And Me, But Not Us
[February 26, 2006]
You doubted your present due to your past. You were hoping I'd give you a future. But I could only give you love.

Sir
[February 5, 2006]
"And for you sir?" "I'll have a Guinness." "Certainly. Do you mind if I check your ID first?" Well great. I'm a dead man...

Wisdom From A Six Year Old
[February 3, 2006]
I didn't take this as a lesson that all people were bad, or even that all girls were bad. I just understood that this one particular bitch was bad. Very bad.

It's A Sham
[January 24, 2006]
Next time we're in a clothes store, I should drop my pants and give you a look around. 75% of the store is clothes for women. Penis-bearers are lucky to get even a quarter of the store.

Something
[January 3, 2006]
"You've got to believe in something" she said. I told her that I do.

The Holiday Shift
[December 27, 2005]
Christians have been celebrating Christmas for hundreds of years. That's all fine and good, but come on... I think they've pretty much got that one down. In 2007, let's give them Hanukkah. In 2009, we'll have them celebrate Kwanzaa. I want to see the Pope light the Mishumaa Saba. Damn straight!

Lucky You
[December 21, 2005]
"Doing a little holiday shopping?" asked the twelve year old behind what used to be called a cash register. "Why, yes!" I thought to myself. "What could make a better Christmas present than 'Data Rescue II - Emergency Hard Drive Recovery'?"

How About This?
[December 14, 2005]
I'll speak in clever phrases, leading the conversation where I need it to go, and you will do your part. Without realizing it, you will provide the necessary details.

Make An iTunes Jukebox
[December 10, 2005]
The real power of iTunes, in my opinion, is the ability to combine categories in these smart playlists. I've listened to music differently ever since I first discovered this. Maybe you will too...

The New Couple
[December 5, 2005]
Hey lady, where did you come from? And what's in those boxes? Are they filled with furnishings from two homes being blended into one? Hey lady, is he the one?

FYI? No. Eff My Eye!
[November 19, 2005]
The phrase-that-pays for this particular post is "Muff! It's what's for dinner!" But before I get to that part of the story, I have to fess-up. I am a bad man.

Joliet, Illinois
[November 13, 2005]
I imagined a grumpy man. Mean even. He had hate in his heart - or so I imagined. "Why else would he be so distant from his own family?"

A Bee And A Bam
[November 10, 2005]
There was a bee flying around inside her car! An agitated bee no less. What more of a need could there be to for self-defense than this?

White Trash On Craigslist. No, Really!
[November 4, 2005]
I know what you're thinking: "this not-job's trying to pawn off a trash can with an attitude on me?" No no no... it's not like that at all. This trash can is a sweetie. Really. Well, ok, maybe not. I mean, how sweet could something that craves trash be? However, as far as things that crave trash go...

You Animal!
[August 21, 2005]
The polar bear stopped backing up. He was now standing only a few feet in front of the window, which meant that we were all staring at a giant polar bear ass. And then the polar bear did something nobody expected.

In Cahoots With Moot
[August 19, 2005]
I can't get me enough of a word like moot. If not for the fact that my voice is two blocks south of horrendous, I'd walk around singing Jessie's Girl all day and night, just so I'd have an excuse to get my moot on.

Discovery: Bad Things Could Happen
[August 3, 2005]
Please NASA, bring home Discovery's crew safe and sound. If not for their own sake, do it for the poor bastard aliens that have to watch us do this dumb shit.

Idaho!
[July 11, 2005]
Oh my god do people crack me up. Check out the google search somebody did that led them to Jalpuna...

Bitches I Won't Miss When I Someday Leave This Joint
[June 19, 2005]
It's not that I'm looking forward to moving out of this loft. It's a great space. I'm happy here, but that doesn't mean all is bliss in my little polka-joyland. It isn't. And with that in mind...

I Know You're Going To Read This Because It's About Porn
[April 11, 2005]
Oh god, I can't help myself... I want... I lust... I crave...

This Post Brought To You By The Color White
[January 13, 2005]
It's a mighty leap from biscuits verses rolls to missionary verses whatever comes just close enough to setting their geezer pacemakers off without actually killing one of them.

MCI: Can You Hear Me NOW?
[December 28, 2004]
Please tell me you didn't just ask me if the phone is plugged in. Hhhmmmmmph. Yes I'll hold.

I Did Something Stupid. Bring Tools
[November 9, 2004]
We men do really dumb things. I don't know why. Maybe it's genetic. All I know is that I'm glad my friends are less inept than I. I'm also glad I can be so entertaining. This is a story about me being dumb, but entertaining...

Yes On Oregon Constitutional Amendment 428-36-09.5
[November 1, 2004]
Constitutional Amendment 428-36-09.5 would change our state Constitution to prevent political any candidate running for public office from utilizing campaign dirty tricks under penalty of a mandatory lobotomy.

Mom And The Unnamed One
[September 17, 2004]
I don't recall how we found mom - or if it was mom that somehow found us. I simply remember opening a drawer in the kitchen one day, and there she was. She had a silver metal top and wooden handle - just like any other hammer. And scribbled in black marker down her handle was one word: Mom.

Woe And The Suitcase
[August 27, 2004]
And though I looked high and low, in search of the woe that had to go - the answer was inevitably no. There was simply no woe to stowe, and I should know.

To: 'If The Shoe Fits'
[August 13, 2004]
"there's a dream somewhere that's never been spoken, here's your busfare somewhere else, where you can spend your days all shattered and broken 'til you're gone goodbye forever - but i could fill that hole for you"

The Eternal Optimist
[August 3, 2004]
"You know the old saying about the glass being half empty or half full? Well, my glass is twice as big as it needs to be because I've got more on the way." She grinned a spectacular smile that told me she got the joke, and that she knew I wasn't kidding.

I Walked In On Them
[August 2, 2004]
No, this wasn't meant for me to see. I was becoming a man of the world, living in two cities at the same time. Surely this gave me a broader perspective than most. It's not as if I was some sort of six year old...

The Ring
[July 26, 2004]
"If I had a ring..." I began, not really having a roadmap for the words I wanted to say. I reached into my jacket as if fetching something from a pocket deep inside, and I continued. "If I had a ring... and I asked you..."

Can-O-Raunch
[July 22, 2004]
I'm working on what shall surely be my greatest invention ever! The idea is to create a spray-able can of raunchy stink with a gray tint. I'm calling it "Can-O-Raunch!" It'll be a non-smoker's best friend.

First Date Assumptions
[July 14, 2004]
The mother of all first date assumptions. It's a flight-suit wearing boogieman standing in front of a mission accomplished banner serving as an obvious clue that the situation will only get worse. Much worse.

Who Da Ho?
[June 22, 2004]
He of many names thought my theory of little sense was full of lots of crap. To prove it, he and his lovely one-named-fiance took me for a drive.

The Switch
[June 21, 2004]
If there's one thing I've learned about traveling in the third world, it's this: When there's a sign posted in a language not native to the country you're in, you'd damn well better read it.

9/11 Panel: Santa Claus Not Involved
[June 16, 2004]
In a stunning revelation, the panel investigating the September 11th attacks confirmed that no one from The North Pole was involved whatsoever. The whole thing about Iraq and 9/11 was crap too...

I've Changed My Opinion On Gay Marriage
[June 14, 2004]
I am in favor of gay men being able to get married if they so choose. I am in favor of straight men marrying each other so long as neither one of them is me. But here's where my position on gay marriage gets a little tricky...

The Loveseat
[June 6, 2004]
I rescued a couch from Goodwill two years ago, and I thought that would form a meaningful bond between us - but apparently my couch has its doubts. We had a 'conversation' last night that went a little something like this...

Beeeee-Deeeeep!
[May 30, 2004]
Ever have one of those moments when you're faced with such stupidity that you want to trade up from the human race into something smarter?

Fuel And Futility
[May 26, 2004]
This summer's raise of the terror alert status is brought to you by: The New Hummer, with eight miles to the gallon of middle eastern gas fuel efficiency. Party on Garth. Al Qaeda loves you.

My Top Ten Favorite Digits
[May 22, 2004]
A little mindless humor...

A Two Date Day With One Married Today
[May 15, 2004]
"So I hear they found the 'magic bullet' and it turns out Lee Harvey Oswald didn't do it after all... it was the Swiss who shot JFK - presumably because he was hoarding all of their MISS." -- Her: "Yeah I read about that."

No Blue Meanie Gal For Me!
[April 25, 2004]
There's Miss "I'm Afraid To Make Eye Contact even once." Miss "You're Paying For Dinner So I'll Order Glass After Glass Of THE Most Expensive Wine On The Menu." And Miss "You Won't Believe What I Named My Vibrator"

The Morning Of March 8th, 1983
[April 6, 2004]
I was probably the last person to see him alive, and I remember it well. I got out of bed for who knows what reason... getting out of bed at 2am wasn't something I did when I was little.

Wanna Win A Walrus?
[April 1, 2004]
CALLER: "My daughter won a leopard from your radio station." ...DJ: "Yeah...?" ...CALLER: "Well we live in an apartment, so we can't have a leopard." ...DJ: "How big is the apartment?"

A Real Life 'Chutes & Ladders'
[March 22, 2004]
I was far too sophisticated a child for Hungry Hungry Hippos and games of that sort. No no no... I was destined to be a chutes and ladders man. Now here I am at age 32, and much to my shock and dismay, I've come to realize...

The Cow Girl
[March 13, 2004]
"Maybe it wasn't his fault." (ohgod, I've now said it out loud) "What do you mean?" she asks. "Well... maybe the cow was at fault." (as if saying it again makes it any better)


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