Jalpuna

dating (excerpts)

Thoughts on dating, relationships, love, and so on and so forth.

  • Can I ask you a question?

    I could tell she had something on her mind, but I must say, I was impressed when halfway into her first drink she cut to the chase. "Can I ask you a question?"

    (November 16, 2012)

  • It's The Weight. Wait. What?

    The weight of the wait is never as great as the bait of the date.

    (February 19, 2011)

  • Other People's Problems

    I didn't get to hear where the conversation went from there, but it doesn't really matter, does it?

    (July 21, 2010)

  • Hi, I Think We're Neighbors!

    Over a period of two years, I'd crossed paths with her time and time again. And, did I mention she was cute?

    (July  9, 2009)

  • Then

    Remembering a time, back when.

    (July  3, 2009)

  • Ashley's Ashes

    "They're not all gems" he'd say "You've got to pick and choose."

    (January  7, 2009)

  • Love At First Sight

    Love isn't an arrow from Cupid. It's a photo album with pages and pages of memories shared. Love is a look you've seen a million times but want to see a trillion more. Love is a look that says you're home.

    (November 19, 2008)

  • Don't Stop Believin'

    The potential to find love was the reason to go on dates in the first place. "She might be the one." There's always a chance, right? Through time and experience, I realized I was wrong. There is no one.

    (December 12, 2007)

  • Long Division

    I thought of this one evening while flirting with a lovely woman. She was whip smart and funny as hell, but a sense of humor can be a a window into someone's mind if you take the time to look inside.

    (November  1, 2007)

  • As If

    As if by magic, she expects her luck to change. She dreams of love as she blocks her heart from what her eyes see. She blames fate, but I know better.

    (July 28, 2007)

  • A Different Kind Of Freedom

    It's the Fourth Of July, and people are talk, talk, talking about freedom, but freedom is a tricky thing. We are free to live in the past and long for loves of the past and regret our mistakes of the past to the point where we alter the future in an attempt to not repeat the past, but is that really freedom?

    (July  4, 2007)

  • The Bell Curve

    "Life sure is getting complex. It is for you too? WOW! Let's make out."

    (June 30, 2007)

  • Why Are You

    dodge as I might you steer for the fight

    (March 28, 2007)

  • The Look I Never Knew

    Your lows were among the lowest, but, oh, how your highs did soar. Do they still? It's been years...

    (February  9, 2007)

  • Stalker Logic

    "A stalker's not quite so bad..."

    (December 22, 2006)

  • The Lover And The Beloved

    A piece of her will be in my heart forever, whether either of us likes it or not. There's room in my heart for everyone I've ever truly loved, and I did truly, deeply, love her. Though the heart can be a foolish organ, the brain knows better.

    (December  1, 2006)

  • Bricks And Mortar

    Oh, but when you kissed me...

    (October 17, 2006)

  • Portland Oregon Rained On Me

    It's not that I would rather see a sold gray sky without a slice of color...

    (September 15, 2006)

  • The Lesson In The Lies

    Though it was not her intention, her words were lies. I knew it by the look in her eyes.

    (August 11, 2006)

  • Somewhere Between The Moment And The Moon

    She found a pants-suit on a clearance sale; it cost only a day. I've nothing more about that to say.

    (July 27, 2006)

  • Check, But No Mate

    I know it can be a reflex... but, seriously. Don't.

    (July 18, 2006)

  • Uhm... WHAT?!

    This was a first date, and since I'd already decided that there would not be a second, I let the awkward silence that followed hang to see what would happen next.

    (July 13, 2006)

  • This Is An Illusion

    Her shirt was red, her skirt was green, and her eyes, a vivid blue. But today is an illusion.

    (July  8, 2006)

  • I Can Fly

    I can fly, but I crave your wings

    (June 13, 2006)

  • The Night That Won't

    The address is 2003 Memory Lane. She was in love with another man, but he was in love with another man too; a secret he kept to himself.

    (June  2, 2006)

  • To Find Someone You Love

    "Baby steps get on the elevator... baby steps get on the elevator... Ah, I'm on the elevator."

    (May 13, 2006)

  • It's Up To You...

    To let someone in. To let something happen. To let someone know. To let something grow.

    (May  3, 2006)

  • The Last Time

    You give a firm embrace as your lips dance with mine, but your eyes are open. I can tell that I am not the one.

    (March 21, 2006)

  • A Whisper To A Kiss

    But as you sit with me on this couch, the well of words runs dry even though we've clearly not run out of things to say.

    (March 15, 2006)

  • Under A Streetlight

    I am here and all is well, but you're still lost in a private hell. I can see it all while under the light. The years have left you wounded more than makeup can disguise. You suspect you will be wounded by the deeds of future guys.

    (March 12, 2006)

  • Too Soon?

    Stayin' Alive, my ass. After admitting something like that, the silence alone could kill.

    (March 11, 2006)

  • The Leaves

    Though you made my heart quiver, you will make the trees shiver.

    (March  7, 2006)

  • Which Is Worse?

    A friend said something to me the other day that totally cracked me up! She was telling me about a date she'd been on that didn't go so well...

    (March  4, 2006)

  • You And Me, But Not Us

    You doubted your present due to your past. You were hoping I'd give you a future. But I could only give you love.

    (February 26, 2006)

  • The Lonesome Lover

    I'll take a hopeless romantic's Valentines Day alone to the life of hopelessness that would come with having given up on love.

    (February 14, 2006)

  • Two Pigeons

    And I knew this is how a love dies.

    (February 13, 2006)

  • The New Couple

    Hey lady, where did you come from? And what's in those boxes? Are they filled with furnishings from two homes being blended into one? Hey lady, is he the one?

    (December  5, 2005)

  • A Sophomore In Sociology Class

    It was the first Tuesday of my Sophomore year of college. 11:00am. I was sitting in Sociology class. And I... Didn't... Give. A Fuck.

    (September 21, 2005)

  • It's A Gas, Gas, Gas

    A-HA! And there you have it: The difference between 'dating' and a relationship - the difference between new love and real love. It's gas.

    (February 25, 2005)

  • Here's Why He's Not Interested

    Dear Not Yet His Girlfriend; I've got a piece of news for you, and there's no sense beating around the bush with this one.

    (February 23, 2005)

  • Nickames, Putt Putt, And Talk Talk

    So, while surrounded by families with young children on a putt-putt course, she and I lunged into a conversation about her previous evening in graphic detail.

    (December 30, 2004)

  • One Man's Psycho

    I remember telling a female friend about a really bad date once and she stopped me dead in my tracks. "Listen Rob - one man's psycho is another man's princess - and don't you forget it." She was right. But then again, she too was another man's princess.

    (September  6, 2004)

  • T.H.D.J.D.G.F.W. [part 3]

    The third and final installment of The Handy Dandy Jalpuna Dating Guide For Women, including the correlation between thumbs and feminine wiles, a warning about Pottery Barn Sexuality, and how to have dinner paid for. Trust me, it works every time.

    (August 31, 2004)

  • So Simple, So Perfect

    It begins as a glimmer in the eye, and it builds, burying itself deep in the heart while spreading to the rest of the body. It's a feeling I'm feeling a lot these day, and I'm thrilled to know my friends are feeling it too.

    (August 29, 2004)

  • Woe And The Suitcase

    And though I looked high and low, in search of the woe that had to go - the answer was inevitably no. There was simply no woe to stow, and I should know.

    (August 27, 2004)

  • This - Is A Life

    If my apartment were to burn to the ground while I was away, I'd worry about the boys. Beyond that, it's all stuff. Oh sure, I'd curse a lot. But I'm probably going to do that anyway - fire or no fire. It's not that I don't have some great stuff. I do. But, in the end, it's just stuff.

    (August 25, 2004)

  • To: 'If The Shoe Fits'

    "there's a dream somewhere that's never been spoken, here's your busfare somewhere else, where you can spend your days all shattered and broken 'til you're gone goodbye forever - but i could fill that hole for you"

    (August 13, 2004)

  • The Ring

    "If I had a ring..." I began, not really having a roadmap for the words I wanted to say. I reached into my jacket as if fetching something from a pocket deep inside, and I continued. "If I had a ring... and I asked you..."

    (July 26, 2004)

  • She Of Zero Risk

    We stood there for a moment, just looking at each other. She blushed. I'm sure I blushed. After what felt like an eternity, she snuck one more quick kiss, and then just as quickly, said goodbye. That was the last time I ever saw her.

    (July 18, 2004)

  • T.H.D.J.D.G.F.W. [part 2]

    Your breasts may bring the men to you, but you're going to have to use every ounce of brainpower you can muster to figure out which type of man you find yourself with, and what his intentions are. Don't worry, I'm here to help...

    (July 16, 2004)

  • First Date Assumptions

    The mother of all first date assumptions. It's a flight-suit wearing boogieman standing in front of a mission accomplished banner serving as an obvious clue that the situation will only get worse. Much worse.

    (July 14, 2004)

  • T.H.D.J.D.G.F.W. [part 1]

    The Handy Dandy Jalpuna Dating Guide For Women. The first of a three part series. [read it - it's about sex]

    (July  8, 2004)

  • Comfortable Shoes

    I was walking down NW Glison the other day after a quick stop at Trader Joe's for a bottle of wine, and the strangest thing happened. My feet suddenly felt light as air - as if I were being pulled forward...

    (June 20, 2004)

  • The Loveseat

    I rescued a couch from Goodwill two years ago, and I thought that would form a meaningful bond between us - but apparently my couch has its doubts. We had a 'conversation' last night that went a little something like this...

    (June  6, 2004)

  • A Two Date Day With One Married Today

    "So I hear they found the 'magic bullet' and it turns out Lee Harvey Oswald didn't do it after all... it was the Swiss who shot JFK - presumably because he was hoarding all of their MISS." -- Her: "Yeah I read about that."

    (May 15, 2004)

  • My Common Sense "...Has Left The Building"

    I wanted to see Fraiser Crane find the love of his life and live happily ever after - as if that might imply that I will someday find the love of my life and live happily ever after. Ridiculous. But what can I say? I'm a sap...

    (May 13, 2004)

  • Oops...

    I wish I had a better story to go along with this other than "I was washing dishes this morning & reached over to pick up last night's wine glass when I bumped it ever so slightly..."

    (May 12, 2004)

  • Walking Through Memories Of Me

    Would you want to walk through memories of relationships-past? Would you want to forget any of it - even the bad? I'd say no on both counts...

    (May  9, 2004)

  • This Is The Sound Of Settling

    This past Monday it was time again to buy a new flower... On Tuesday it grew the most amazing pink petals [hey - stop it! I swear to god I'm straight]. Then I woke up Friday morning and they were lying on the table. "What the fuck happened to YOU?" I asked - but the flower just shrugged.

    (May  8, 2004)

  • No Blue Meanie Gal For Me!

    There's Miss "I'm Afraid To Make Eye Contact even once." Miss "You're Paying For Dinner So I'll Order Glass After Glass Of THE Most Expensive Wine On The Menu." And Miss "You Won't Believe What I Named My Vibrator"

    (April 25, 2004)

  • Where Have All The Good Men Gone?

    Maybe it's a Portland thing... maybe it's a late 20's/early 30's thing... all I know is that too many women seem to worry themselves out of a good thing the moment they spot one.

    (April 23, 2004)

  • That's Just Nutty (or not)

    The internet brings people-watching and human stupidity to an astoundingly far reaching new plain - which is beautiful in a glutton-for-punishment sort of way. Peeking into an argument on the net is a lot like passing by a car crash...

    (April 22, 2004)

  • Hands Down, Oregon Has The Best Days

    Whenever skies turned gray, I couldn't wait to go home and open all of the windows to let the gloom shine in! How could I NOT have known that I was destined to return to Portland?

    (April 15, 2004)

  • Good Day For A Sad Song

    Oh look, they're holding hands, heads bobbing as they go. "Do you MIND? I'm trying to maximize my anguish here!" But no... The whole world conspires against me.

    (April  8, 2004)

  • Chip's & Fish

    Jessie takes the bait with a conversational nibblenibble tug. "Oh we're not dating... it's more ice cream than I need after all that sushi." "Oh!?" Chip's reeling her in. Jessie's got his bobber bouncing... Under! Bounce bounce!

    (April  5, 2004)

  • A Real Life 'Chutes & Ladders'

    I was far too sophisticated a child for Hungry Hungry Hippos and games of that sort. No no no... I was destined to be a chutes and ladders man. Now here I am at age 32, and much to my shock and dismay, I've come to realize...

    (March 22, 2004)

  • The Cow Girl

    "Maybe it wasn't his fault." (ohgod, I've now said it out loud) "What do you mean?" she asks. "Well... maybe the cow was at fault." (as if saying it again makes it any better)

    (March 13, 2004)

  • The Greatest Lie

    I once had a date tell me on a first date what she'd named her vibrator... and the name wasn't pretty. But this was different. Last night, the woman I was on a date with said...

    (March 12, 2004)

  • I've Come To The Conclusion That I'm Not Enough Of An Ass

    I should seek out women who've been screwed over by men, and let those women go on dates with me for the purpose of empowering themselves by dumping me. BRILLIANT! It's like a public service for the goth at heart.

    (March  9, 2004)

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