dating | excerpts



Long Division
[November 1, 2007]
I thought of this one evening while flirting with a lovely woman. She was whip smart and funny as hell, but a sense of humor can be a a window into someone's mind if you take the time to look inside.

As If
[July 28, 2007]
As if by magic, she expects her luck to change. She dreams of love as she blocks her heart from what her eyes see. She blames fate, but I know better.

A Different Kind Of Freedom
[July 4, 2007]
It's the Fourth Of July, and people are talk, talk, talking about freedom, but freedom is a tricky thing. We are free to live in the past and long for loves of the past and regret our mistakes of the past to the point where we alter the future in an attempt to not repeat the past, but is that really freedom?

The Bell Curve
[June 30, 2007]
"Life sure is getting complex. It is for you too? WOW! Let's make out."

Why Are You
[March 28, 2007]
dodge as I might you steer for the fight

Stalker Logic
[December 22, 2006]
"A stalker's not quite so bad..."

Bricks And Mortar
[October 17, 2006]
Oh, but when you kissed me...

Portland Oregon Rained On Me
[September 15, 2006]
It's not that I would rather see a sold gray sky without a slice of color...

Somewhere Between The Moment And The Moon
[July 27, 2006]
Her pants-suit was on a clearance sale, it cost only a day. There's nothing more about that to say.

Check, But No Mate
[July 18, 2006]
I know it can be a reflex... but, seriously. Don't.

Uhm... WHAT?!
[July 13, 2006]
This was a first date, and since I'd already decided that there would not be a second, I let the awkward silence that followed hang to see what would happen next.

This Is An Illusion
[July 8, 2006]
Her shirt was red, her skirt was green, and her eyes, a vivid blue. But today is an illusion.

The Night That Won't
[June 2, 2006]
The address is 2003 Memory Lane. She was in love with another man, but he was in love with another man too; a secret he kept to himself.

It's Up To You...
[May 3, 2006]
To let someone in. To let something happen. To let someone know. To let something grow.

The Last Time
[March 21, 2006]
You give a firm embrace, but your eyes are open. I can tell that I am not the one.

A Whisper To A Kiss
[March 15, 2006]
But as you sit with me on this couch, the well of words runs dry even though we've clearly not run out of things to say.

Under A Streetlight
[March 12, 2006]
I am here and all is well, but you're still lost in a private hell. I can see it all while under the light. The years have left you wounded more than makeup can disguise. You suspect you will be wounded by the deeds of future guys.

Too Soon?
[March 11, 2006]
Stayin' Alive, my ass. After admitting something like that, the silence alone could kill.

Which Is Worse?
[March 4, 2006]
A friend said something to me the other day that totally cracked me up! She was telling me about a date she'd been on that didn't go so well...

Here's Why He's Not Interested
[February 23, 2005]
Dear Not Yet His Girlfriend; I've got a piece of news for you, and there's no sense beating around the bush with this one.

Nickames, Putt Putt, And Talk Talk
[December 30, 2004]
So, while surrounded by families with young children on a putt-putt course, she and I lunged into a conversation about her previous evening in graphic detail.

One Man's Psycho
[September 6, 2004]
I remember telling a female friend about a really bad date once and she stopped me dead in my tracks. "Listen Rob - one man's psycho is another man's princess - and don't you forget it." She was right. But then again, she too was another man's princess.

T.H.D.J.D.G.F.W. [part 3]
[August 31, 2004]
The third and final installment of The Handy Dandy Jalpuna Dating Guide For Women, including the correlation between thumbs and feminine wiles, a warning about Pottery Barn Sexuality, and how to have dinner paid for. Trust me, it works every time.

Woe And The Suitcase
[August 27, 2004]
And though I looked high and low, in search of the woe that had to go - the answer was inevitably no. There was simply no woe to stowe, and I should know.

To: 'If The Shoe Fits'
[August 13, 2004]
"there's a dream somewhere that's never been spoken, here's your busfare somewhere else, where you can spend your days all shattered and broken 'til you're gone goodbye forever - but i could fill that hole for you"

She Of Zero Risk
[July 18, 2004]
We stood there for a moment, just looking at each other. She blushed. I'm sure I blushed. After what felt like an eternity, she snuck one more quick kiss, and then just as quickly, said goodbye. That was the last time I ever saw her.

T.H.D.J.D.G.F.W. [part 2]
[July 16, 2004]
Your breasts may bring the men to you, but you're going to have to use every ounce of brainpower you can muster to figure out which type of man you find yourself with, and what his intentions are. Don't worry, I'm here to help...

First Date Assumptions
[July 14, 2004]
The mother of all first date assumptions. It's a flight-suit wearing boogieman standing in front of a mission accomplished banner serving as an obvious clue that the situation will only get worse. Much worse.

T.H.D.J.D.G.F.W. [part 1]
[July 8, 2004]
The Handy Dandy Jalpuna Dating Guide For Women. The first of a three part series. [read it - it's about sex]

Comfortable Shoes
[June 20, 2004]
I was walking down NW Glison the other day after a quick stop at Trader Joe's for a bottle of wine, and the strangest thing happened. My feet suddenly felt light as air - as if I were being pulled forward...

The Loveseat
[June 6, 2004]
I rescued a couch from Goodwill two years ago, and I thought that would form a meaningful bond between us - but apparently my couch has its doubts. We had a 'conversation' last night that went a little something like this...

A Two Date Day With One Married Today
[May 15, 2004]
"So I hear they found the 'magic bullet' and it turns out Lee Harvey Oswald didn't do it after all... it was the Swiss who shot JFK - presumably because he was hoarding all of their MISS." -- Her: "Yeah I read about that."

My Common Sense "...Has Left The Building"
[May 13, 2004]
I wanted to see Fraiser Crane find the love of his life and live happily ever after - as if that might imply that I will someday find the love of my life and live happily ever after. Ridiculous. But what can I say? I'm a sap...

Oops...
[May 12, 2004]
I wish I had a better story to go along with this other than "I was washing dishes this morning & reached over to pick up last night's wine glass when I bumped it ever so slightly..."

Walking Through Memories Of Me
[May 9, 2004]
Would you want to walk through memories of relationships-past? Would you want to forget any of it - even the bad? I'd say no on both counts...

This Is The Sound Of Settling
[May 8, 2004]
This past Monday it was time again to buy a new flower... On Tuesday it grew the most amazing pink petals [hey - stop it! I swear to god I'm straight]. Then I woke up Friday morning and they were lying on the table. "What the fuck happened to YOU?" I asked - but the flower just shrugged.

No Blue Meanie Gal For Me!
[April 25, 2004]
There's Miss "I'm Afraid To Make Eye Contact even once." Miss "You're Paying For Dinner So I'll Order Glass After Glass Of THE Most Expensive Wine On The Menu." And Miss "You Won't Believe What I Named My Vibrator"

Where Have All The Good Men Gone?
[April 23, 2004]
Maybe it's a Portland thing... maybe it's a late 20's/early 30's thing... all I know is that too many women seem to worry themselves out of a good thing the moment they spot one.

That's Just Nutty (or not)
[April 22, 2004]
The internet brings people-watching and human stupidity to an astoundingly far reaching new plain - which is beautiful in a glutton-for-punishment sort of way. Peeking into an argument on the net is a lot like passing by a car crash...

Hands Down, Oregon Has The Best Days
[April 15, 2004]
Whenever skies turned gray, I couldn't wait to go home and open all of the windows to let the gloom shine in! How could I NOT have known that I was destined to return to Portland?

Good Day For A Sad Song
[April 8, 2004]
Oh look, they're holding hands, heads bobbing as they go. "Do you MIND? I'm trying to maximize my anguish here!" But no... The whole world conspires against me.

Chip's & Fish
[April 5, 2004]
Jessie takes the bait with a conversational nibblenibble tug. "Oh we're not dating... it's more ice cream than I need after all that sushi." "Oh!?" Chip's reeling her in. Jessie's got his bobber bouncing... Under! Bounce bounce!

A Real Life 'Chutes & Ladders'
[March 22, 2004]
I was far too sophisticated a child for Hungry Hungry Hippos and games of that sort. No no no... I was destined to be a chutes and ladders man. Now here I am at age 32, and much to my shock and dismay, I've come to realize...

The Cow Girl
[March 13, 2004]
"Maybe it wasn't his fault." (ohgod, I've now said it out loud) "What do you mean?" she asks. "Well... maybe the cow was at fault." (as if saying it again makes it any better)

The Greatest Lie
[March 12, 2004]
I once had a date tell me on a first date what she'd named her vibrator... and the name wasn't pretty. But this was different. Last night, the woman I was on a date with said...

I've Come To The Conclusion That I'm Not Enough Of An Ass
[March 9, 2004]
I should seek out women who've been screwed over by men, and let those women go on dates with me for the purpose of empowering themselves by dumping me. BRILLIANT! It's like a public service for the goth at heart.


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