best of (excerpts)
If you're new to my blog, or you're just browsing... this is where you'll find the (ahem) better content. I can't honestly say if these are examples of my best writing, but they're my favorites of the things I've posted here.
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I could tell she had something on her mind, but I must say, I was impressed when halfway into her first drink she cut to the chase. "Can I ask you a question?"
(November 16, 2012)
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Christians have been celebrating Christmas for hundreds of years. That's all fine and good, but come on... I think they've pretty much got that one down. In the next odd year, let's give them Hanukkah. For the next even year, they'll get Christmas back, and then the next year, they'll celebrate Kwanzaa. I want to see the Pope light the Mishumaa Saba. Damn straight!
(December 30, 2011)
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Because I knew I didn't want to. Because I then chose not to. I chose because I can. I chose because I am.
(January 4, 2011)
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'm surprised by the hate in this head of mine. I'm surprised by the joy in this heart of mine. I hope my hate goes first.
(March 17, 2010)
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Silence followed as I found myself at a complete loss for words. I understood the question and why he was asking it, but the answer seemed as obvious to me as explaining why I breathe out after I breathe in.
(March 11, 2010)
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The part about dating and the neighbor whose name isn't really Evelyn isn't really what this story is about. Not at all. This story is about the challenges that come with trying to live by the golden rule: do unto others as you would have them do unto you.
(February 23, 2010)
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On September 11th, terrorists killed three thousand people with four airplanes. How many millions of people are we killing with climate change? Are their lives any less important simply because they don't live here?
(December 15, 2009)
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America's newest reality TV sensation: "Jon And Kate, Plus The Heenes As Freight!" We did this for the show.
(October 20, 2009)
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I was seekin' to sun myself on a tropical beach with an exquisite tropical drink in my hand, preferably served by a younger tropical gentleman. Instead, I found myself sittin' on a desolate island with a coconut. And my soon-to-be ex-husband, of course.
(October 17, 2009)
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Years pass. Opportunities are lost. People find themselves trapped in the cycles they, themselves, create. Eventually, problems multiply. For some, the weight of it all becomes too much.
(October 13, 2009)
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Goals have wings and they can fly. Wishes are anchors for those who don't try.
(September 27, 2009)
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I think Duncan is a houseplant. Duncan thinks I am God Who is to say we're not both right?
(August 25, 2009)
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Remembering a time, back when.
(July 3, 2009)
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I saw a guy waving a flag out of the back of his pickup truck this afternoon, and I thought "Y'know... that is precisely what is wrong with our country."
(May 25, 2009)
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Creating a legal definition of "Same-Sex Partners" is discrimination. Luckily, there's a handy-dandy way for our government to avoid being a discriminator: All we have to do is...
(March 12, 2009)
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"They're not all gems" he'd say "You've got to pick and choose."
(January 7, 2009)
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Life is a gift. That's what everyone says, right? Well then tell me what fucking store I get to take my childhood back to because I'd like to make an exchange. "Hi. I'm sorry, but this 1983 isn't my size. It's a bitter, but I'm a happy."
(December 26, 2008)
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Dear spammer from Bangladesh...
(December 5, 2008)
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Love isn't an arrow from Cupid. It's a photo album with pages and pages of memories shared. Love is a look you've seen a million times but want to see a trillion more. Love is a look that says you're home.
(November 19, 2008)
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There were two voices, and they seemed to come from inside my apartment. They were as clear as day, but I was the only one home.
(November 13, 2008)
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Not your typical dinner conversation, eh? Thank god she was talking about my...
(September 20, 2008)
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The beauty of moving to a new apartment is that I get to start a whole new relationship with a different set of kitchen appliances. Believe me, I won't make some of the mistakes I made with my current fridge.
(April 2, 2008)
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How can they run an ad for online dating during a show called To Catch A Predator? What kind of message are they trying to send here? "Does sex with a 13 year old make you horny? Well here's the next best thing!" Geez, what's the next ad going to be for? A Hanna Montana concert?
(February 1, 2008)
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I was a high school kid living as an exchange student in Bolivia. I had a bad photocopy of an even worse map of an old Inca trail and a vague set of instructions that went a little something like this:
(January 16, 2008)
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I have seen this spot before - this particular point in the circle we trace around the sun. It is the same as it was 365 days ago, and 365 days before then. I've seen it before and so have you, yet somehow, we think it is different simply because we are here.
(December 28, 2007)
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The potential to find love was the reason to go on dates in the first place. "She might be the one." There's always a chance, right? Through time and experience, I realized I was wrong. There is no one.
(December 12, 2007)
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When the power went out at my place late yesterday afternoon... when I wandered outside, in the darkness, roaming around the block to see if it was just my building was the only one suddenly without power... and as the wind was blowing and the rain was coming down... do you know what I was thinking?
(December 4, 2007)
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I thought of this one evening while flirting with a lovely woman. She was whip smart and funny as hell, but a sense of humor can be a a window into someone's mind if you take the time to look inside.
(November 1, 2007)
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Why didn't I think of that!?! Swedish Chef Scrabble!!!! Hilarious!
(October 31, 2007)
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"More Inches = More Sex" This is what Rory Escobar would like me to believe. Thanks for the email Rory, but I think we both know that's not how it works. More girlfriend = more sex.
(October 13, 2007)
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Is it just me, or does Rudy Giuliani suddenly look a whole lot like Gargamel? He speaks a cartoon language with an amazing word that means anything and everything. You say "Gun control?" He says "Smurf."
(September 27, 2007)
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John Paul the Third is a fascinating plant. He raises his leaves at night and then lowers them in the day. He's living with me on a temporary loan, to see if we hit it off... but I'm not sure it's going to work out. Apparently, he has a thing for 80's cheese rockers.
(September 25, 2007)
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All of my music! All of my photos! All of my notes! And letters! And... And... And... ...oh GOD. All of my work. Past, present and future projects in progress. Gone.
(September 18, 2007)
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Do I get any credit for not cracking the obvious joke about teachers being judged by student performance?
(September 7, 2007)
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As if by magic, she expects her luck to change. She dreams of love as she blocks her heart from what her eyes see. She blames fate, but I know better.
(July 28, 2007)
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Maybe it's just me, but, I really don't think statutory rape makes for proper public conversation. I'm guessing you want the background story on that thought.
(July 17, 2007)
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Come to me. Come. Take my outstretched hand. Come! Touch me with your watery droplets. Share with me your wetness. It has been so long, and I... I have been so hot through the heat-wave. It was oh so brutal. And you... YOU! You are here... here with me now, just when I need you the most.
(July 12, 2007)
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See No Evil, Hear No Evil, Speak No Evil, And you would be...?
(July 6, 2007)
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It's the Fourth Of July, and people are talk, talk, talking about freedom, but freedom is a tricky thing. We are free to live in the past and long for loves of the past and regret our mistakes of the past to the point where we alter the future in an attempt to not repeat the past, but is that really freedom?
(July 4, 2007)
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"Life sure is getting complex. It is for you too? WOW! Let's make out."
(June 30, 2007)
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Well, crap. I've written this post seven different ways over the last two weeks without finishing the thought, and on the eighth attempt...
(June 29, 2007)
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Though it was never my intention, I became the opposite of everything I knew as a child. My family are country folks. I'm a city boy. They're meat and potatoes. I could eat sushi daily. My father's family drinks cheap beer to excess. I drink microbrews, or wine but can't even remember the last time I was drunk. New Years Eve, 2000 maybe?
(May 31, 2007)
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The lesson to be learned here is this: never try to reason with a tissue. In fact, I wouldn't try it with any disposable paper products, frankly. They're all drama queens. Paper towels, napkins, tissues... don't even get me started on toilet paper. Drama. Fucking. Queens.
(May 11, 2007)
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It was only when I stepped into the elevator to retrieve my mail one afternoon that I realized the great power I suddenly - and thankfully just temporarily - possessed.
(May 9, 2007)
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Burton was a good friend. We laughed together, we cried together, we swapped tales from days of our youths. I thought we had such great chemistry, but in the end, it wasn't enough. Also, he turned brown.
(May 1, 2007)
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touch my hand. tensions rise. nerves can foil calm disguise
(February 23, 2007)
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If only our walls were thicker, I wouldn't have to know.
(February 20, 2007)
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Life gets crazy, and sometimes we could all use a reminder to take a step back and reflect on the things that really matter.
(February 14, 2007)
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Your lows were among the lowest, but, oh, how your highs did soar. Do they still? It's been years...
(February 9, 2007)
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The feeling is irrational. I know this, but the heart wants what the heart wants, and my heart wants the light. Bring it back.
(January 6, 2007)
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"Be erect in less than 15 min!" In less than fifteen minutes? Really? Surely this product isn't made by a man.
(January 4, 2007)
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Tomorrow is a new day, and I'll live it a new way, or the blame for continued misdirection will be mine.
(December 31, 2006)
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"A stalker's not quite so bad..."
(December 22, 2006)
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He does what he knows. She knows who she is. They are what they've left behind.
(December 9, 2006)
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She was born like a kite in a storm. Though she howls like a tornado, she brings not winds of change.
(December 6, 2006)
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Pennies are not worthy of the slug mug.
(December 5, 2006)
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...or, How Maslow Can Kiss My Effin' Triangle!
(November 10, 2006)
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"The Captain is affectionate and social, giving headbutts to show his appreciation for being loved. Being enthusiastic, he would be an ideal companion." Holy crap! That's me! ...minus the headbutts and cool title, of course.
(October 21, 2006)
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Oh, but when you kissed me...
(October 17, 2006)
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It's not that I would rather see a sold gray sky without a slice of color...
(September 15, 2006)
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Would it be too disturbing if I were to specify in my will that I want my coffin wrapped in tin-foil and filled with Orville Redenbacher's finest?
(August 29, 2006)
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Do you remember being a little kid, and, even at that age, thinking that Smurfs were a pretty disturbing concept?
(August 26, 2006)
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"...downtown Portland is a lot like Israel, really."
(August 13, 2006)
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Could this be any more vague?
(August 9, 2006)
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She found a pants-suit on a clearance sale; it cost only a day. I've nothing more about that to say.
(July 27, 2006)
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Craigslist Scrabble (otherwise known as MySpace Scrabble): To play a word, you must either use or spell it incorrectly. Thus, 'lose' is spelled 'loose', and to-two-too are interchangeable. To make sure you're not using a proper spelling, use of a dictinary is allowed. Grin.
(July 20, 2006)
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Let's see what's on CNN. Let's see what's on The History Channel. What? It's the same damn show!
(July 15, 2006)
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This was a first date, and since I'd already decided that there would not be a second, I let the awkward silence that followed hang to see what would happen next.
(July 13, 2006)
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Her shirt was red, her skirt was green, and her eyes, a vivid blue. But today is an illusion.
(July 8, 2006)
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July 14th, A.K.A., Bastille Day in France. If there's one thing that the entire world can agree on, it is making fun of the French. Consider it a step towards world peace by making a day to tell them to "kiss my ass!"
(June 23, 2006)
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I can fly, but I crave your wings
(June 13, 2006)
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Do you think there was a guy born in the year 1 AD named Chuck who tried to convince people that B.C. stood for "Before Chuck"?
(June 11, 2006)
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The address is 2003 Memory Lane. She was in love with another man, but he was in love with another man too; a secret he kept to himself.
(June 2, 2006)
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With the passing of time, memories become ghosts. They lurk in calendars. They live in photo albums. They rattle their chains in the details of stories told. But are they real?
(May 26, 2006)
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In my defense, I was sold a defective wall anchor, which chewed through screws faster than a prostitute on SE 82nd.
(May 17, 2006)
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"Baby steps get on the elevator... baby steps get on the elevator... Ah, I'm on the elevator."
(May 13, 2006)
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To let someone in. To let something happen. To let someone know. To let something grow.
(May 3, 2006)
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You give a firm embrace as your lips dance with mine, but your eyes are open. I can tell that I am not the one.
(March 21, 2006)
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But as you sit with me on this couch, the well of words runs dry even though we've clearly not run out of things to say.
(March 15, 2006)
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...this is why I am so rarely quoted.
(March 14, 2006)
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I am here and all is well, but you're still lost in a private hell. I can see it all while under the light. The years have left you wounded more than makeup can disguise. You suspect you will be wounded by the deeds of future guys.
(March 12, 2006)
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Stayin' Alive, my ass. After admitting something like that, the silence alone could kill.
(March 11, 2006)
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Though you made my heart quiver,
you will make the trees shiver.
(March 7, 2006)
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I'll be honest with you, I didn't even know that could be done! I had no idea you could mail a package across two continents, not to mention Central America, without using airmail.
(March 1, 2006)
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You doubted your present due to your past. You were hoping I'd give you a future. But I could only give you love.
(February 26, 2006)
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"And for you sir?" "I'll have a Guinness." "Certainly. Do you mind if I check your ID first?" Well great. I'm a dead man...
(February 5, 2006)
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I didn't take this as a lesson that all people were bad, or even that all girls were bad. I just understood that this one particular bitch was bad. Very bad.
(February 3, 2006)
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"Hi! My world is squishy and gray. And it reeks of fish. Eventually, it'll be eaten."
(January 27, 2006)
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Next time we're in a clothes store, I should drop my pants and give you a look around. 75% of the store is clothes for women. Penis-bearers are lucky to get even a quarter of the store.
(January 24, 2006)
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"You've got to believe in something" she said. I told her that I do.
(January 3, 2006)
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"Doing a little holiday shopping?" asked the sixteen year old behind what used to be called a cash register. "Why, yes!" I thought to myself. "What could make a better Christmas present than 'Data Rescue II - Emergency Hard Drive Recovery'?"
(December 21, 2005)
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I'll speak in clever phrases, leading the conversation where I need it to go, and you will do your part. Without realizing it, you will provide the necessary details.
(December 14, 2005)
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The real power of iTunes, in my opinion, is the ability to combine categories in these smart playlists. I've listened to music differently ever since I first discovered this. Maybe you will too...
(December 10, 2005)
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Hey lady, where did you come from? And what's in those boxes? Are they filled with furnishings from two homes being blended into one? Hey lady, is he the one?
(December 5, 2005)
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The phrase-that-pays for this particular post is "Muff! It's what's for dinner!" But before I get to that part of the story, I have to fess-up. I am a bad man.
(November 19, 2005)
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I imagined a grumpy man. Mean even. He had hate in his heart - or so I imagined. "Why else would he be so distant from his own family?"
(November 13, 2005)
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There was a bee flying around inside her car! An agitated bee no less. What more of a need could there be to for self-defense than this?
(November 10, 2005)
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I know what you're thinking: "this not-job's trying to pawn off a trash can with an attitude on me?" No no no... it's not like that at all. This trash can is a sweetie. Really. Well, ok, maybe not. I mean, how sweet could something that craves trash be? However, as far as things that crave trash go...
(November 4, 2005)
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When I returned to the courtyard, I found Jeff beaming. He was surrounded by Bolivian men who appeared to be having the time of their lives. They paid no attention to me, as they were determined to help Jeff teach Doctor to say this magical phrase.
(October 25, 2005)
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The polar bear stopped backing up. He was now standing only a few feet in front of the window, which meant that we were all staring at a giant polar bear ass. And then the polar bear did something nobody expected.
(August 21, 2005)
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I can't get me enough of a word like moot. If not for the fact that my voice is two blocks south of horrendous, I'd walk around singing Jessie's Girl all day and night, just so I'd have an excuse to get my moot on.
(August 19, 2005)
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"Jimmy, please don't pull the dog's tail. Jimmy, can you get down off that ledge? Jimmy, I'd really prefer it if you didn't stick your hand down the garbage disposal while it's running."
(August 17, 2005)
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Please NASA, bring home Discovery's crew safe and sound. If not for their own sake, do it for the poor bastard aliens that have to watch us do this dumb shit.
(August 3, 2005)
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Imagine how much more we'd have accomplished if the Earth spun faster.
(July 26, 2005)
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Oh my god do people crack me up. Check out the google search somebody did that led them to Jalpuna...
(July 11, 2005)
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It's not that I'm looking forward to moving out of this loft. It's a great space. I'm happy here, but that doesn't mean all is bliss in my little polka-joyland. It isn't. And with that in mind...
(June 19, 2005)
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I don't know his name, but I lived across the hall from him for two years. He has AIDS, a disease I am quite confident he contracted through drug use. I'm sure he'd tell you he never chose to have AIDS, but he chose to take the steps that led him to it. Is there really a difference?
(June 1, 2005)
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Oh god, I can't help myself... I want... I lust... I crave...
(April 11, 2005)
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I've learned that I really care what other people think of me - but not so much that I'd be willing to change who I am for the sake of approval.
(April 7, 2005)
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I want to meet the person who owns Tidy Cat and ask: "What does your cat drop a load onto?"
(March 28, 2005)
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I used to say I would give up everything I had to live a life I'd never known, but I would be doomed to make these mistakes again - because this is who I am.
(March 24, 2005)
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It's a mighty leap from biscuits verses rolls to missionary verses whatever comes just close enough to setting their geezer pacemakers off without actually killing one of them.
(January 13, 2005)
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At first, we just sat in silence, as if words required energy we didn't have. Finally, I looked at Jeff and said "That was amazing."
(November 19, 2004)
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We men do really dumb things. I don't know why. Maybe it's genetic. All I know is that I'm glad my friends are less inept than I. I'm also glad I can be so entertaining. This is a story about me being dumb, but entertaining...
(November 9, 2004)
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Constitutional Amendment 428-36-09.5 would change our state Constitution to prevent political any candidate running for public office from utilizing campaign dirty tricks under penalty of a mandatory lobotomy.
(November 1, 2004)
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nitially, we debated whether it said "mom" or "wow," and though wow would have been a better name for a hammer, we stuck with mom - with good reason.
(September 17, 2004)
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And though I looked high and low, in search of the woe that had to go - the answer was inevitably no. There was simply no woe to stow, and I should know.
(August 27, 2004)
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Are the toothbrush holder makers trying to tell us something? What kind of m'nage-quatro relationship involves four people! That's far too complex for my tastes. Is it some kind of Mormon thing? Is my toothbrush holder religiously biased?
(August 24, 2004)
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"there's a dream somewhere that's never been spoken, here's your busfare somewhere else, where you can spend your days all shattered and broken 'til you're gone goodbye forever - but i could fill that hole for you"
(August 13, 2004)
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"You know the old saying about the glass being half empty or half full? Well, my glass is twice as big as it needs to be because I've got more on the way." She grinned a spectacular smile that told me she got the joke, and that she knew I wasn't kidding.
(August 3, 2004)
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No, this wasn't meant for me to see. I was becoming a man of the world, living in two cities at the same time. Surely this gave me a broader perspective than most. It's not as if I was some sort of six year old...
(August 2, 2004)
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"If I had a ring..." I began, not really having a roadmap for the words I wanted to say. I reached into my jacket as if fetching something from a pocket deep inside, and I continued. "If I had a ring... and I asked you..."
(July 26, 2004)
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I'm working on what shall surely be my greatest invention ever! The idea is to create a spray-able can of raunchy stink with a gray tint. I'm calling it "Can-O-Raunch!" It'll be a non-smoker's best friend.
(July 22, 2004)
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The mother of all first date assumptions. It's a flight-suit wearing boogieman standing in front of a mission accomplished banner serving as an obvious clue that the situation will only get worse. Much worse.
(July 14, 2004)
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He of many names thought my theory of little sense was full of lots of crap. To prove it, he and his lovely one-named-fiance took me for a drive.
(June 22, 2004)
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If there's one thing I've learned about traveling in the third world, it's this: When there's a sign posted in a language not native to the country you're in, you'd damn well better read it.
(June 21, 2004)
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In a stunning revelation, the panel investigating the September 11th attacks confirmed that no one from The North Pole was involved whatsoever. The whole thing about Iraq and 9/11 was crap too...
(June 16, 2004)
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I am in favor of gay men being able to get married if they so choose. I am in favor of straight men marrying each other so long as neither one of them is me. But here's where my position on gay marriage gets a little tricky...
(June 14, 2004)
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Free of charge, I present to you my secret for living a happy and fulfilling life. You're welcome...
(June 9, 2004)
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I rescued a couch from Goodwill two years ago, and I thought that would form a meaningful bond between us - but apparently my couch has its doubts. We had a 'conversation' last night that went a little something like this...
(June 6, 2004)
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Ever have one of those moments when you're faced with such stupidity that you want to trade up from the human race into something smarter?
(May 30, 2004)
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A little mindless humor...
(May 22, 2004)
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Even after a relationship has ended, the beauty of moments spent together will be something I carry with me. It makes me a better man.
(May 17, 2004)
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"So I hear they found the 'magic bullet' and it turns out Lee Harvey Oswald didn't do it after all... it was the Swiss who shot JFK - presumably because he was hoarding all of their MISS." -- Her: "Yeah I read about that."
(May 15, 2004)
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There's Miss "I'm Afraid To Make Eye Contact even once." Miss "You're Paying For Dinner So I'll Order Glass After Glass Of THE Most Expensive Wine On The Menu." And Miss "You Won't Believe What I Named My Vibrator"
(April 25, 2004)
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Nevermind that the Babylonians thought up the whole virgin-birth deal long before the Christians got around to it... and nevermind that Mary wasn't a virgin - just a virgin when you-know-who was conceived...
(April 17, 2004)
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I was probably the last person to see him alive, and I remember it well. I got out of bed for who knows what reason... getting out of bed at 2am wasn't something I did when I was little.
(April 6, 2004)
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I was far too sophisticated a child for Hungry Hungry Hippos and games of that sort. No no no... I was destined to be a chutes and ladders man. Now here I am at age 32, and much to my shock and dismay, I've come to realize...
(March 22, 2004)
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"Maybe it wasn't his fault." (ohgod, I've now said it out loud) "What do you mean?" she asks. "Well... maybe the cow was at fault." (as if saying it again makes it any better)
(March 13, 2004)
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"Should I forward this email promising whiter teeth, inner peace and multiple orgasms to Duncan?" It's a difficult decision to make, and it's a decision you shouldn't have to make on your own. Lucky for you, I'm here to help...
(March 8, 2004)
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