Jalpuna

best of (excerpts)

If you're new to my blog, or you're just browsing... this is where you'll find the (ahem) better content. I can't honestly say if these are examples of my best writing, but they're my favorites of the things I've posted here.

  • Can I ask you a question?

    I could tell she had something on her mind, but I must say, I was impressed when halfway into her first drink she cut to the chase. "Can I ask you a question?"

    (November 16, 2012)

  • The Holiday Shift

    Christians have been celebrating Christmas for hundreds of years. That's all fine and good, but come on... I think they've pretty much got that one down. In the next odd year, let's give them Hanukkah. For the next even year, they'll get Christmas back, and then the next year, they'll celebrate Kwanzaa. I want to see the Pope light the Mishumaa Saba. Damn straight!

    (December 30, 2011)

  • For Me To Be

    Because I knew I didn't want to. Because I then chose not to. I chose because I can. I chose because I am.

    (January  4, 2011)

  • Hate, Heart And Hope

    'm surprised by the hate in this head of mine. I'm surprised by the joy in this heart of mine. I hope my hate goes first.

    (March 17, 2010)

  • The Golden Rule

    Silence followed as I found myself at a complete loss for words. I understood the question and why he was asking it, but the answer seemed as obvious to me as explaining why I breathe out after I breathe in.

    (March 11, 2010)

  • The Cat Sitter

    The part about dating and the neighbor whose name isn't really Evelyn isn't really what this story is about. Not at all. This story is about the challenges that come with trying to live by the golden rule: do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

    (February 23, 2010)

  • Chacaltaya

    On September 11th, terrorists killed three thousand people with four airplanes. How many millions of people are we killing with climate change? Are their lives any less important simply because they don't live here?

    (December 15, 2009)

  • Admit It: You'd Watch This

    America's newest reality TV sensation: "Jon And Kate, Plus The Heenes As Freight!" We did this for the show.

    (October 20, 2009)

  • Bob

    I was seekin' to sun myself on a tropical beach with an exquisite tropical drink in my hand, preferably served by a younger tropical gentleman. Instead, I found myself sittin' on a desolate island with a coconut. And my soon-to-be ex-husband, of course.

    (October 17, 2009)

  • Four Letters

    Years pass. Opportunities are lost. People find themselves trapped in the cycles they, themselves, create. Eventually, problems multiply. For some, the weight of it all becomes too much.

    (October 13, 2009)

  • Be Careful What You Wish For

    Goals have wings and they can fly. Wishes are anchors for those who don't try.

    (September 27, 2009)

  • Is There A Greater God?

    I think Duncan is a houseplant. Duncan thinks I am God Who is to say we're not both right?

    (August 25, 2009)

  • Then

    Remembering a time, back when.

    (July  3, 2009)

  • A Better Way On Memorial Day

    I saw a guy waving a flag out of the back of his pickup truck this afternoon, and I thought "Y'know... that is precisely what is wrong with our country."

    (May 25, 2009)

  • I Don't Believe In Giving Equal Rights To "Same-Sex Partners"

    Creating a legal definition of "Same-Sex Partners" is discrimination. Luckily, there's a handy-dandy way for our government to avoid being a discriminator: All we have to do is...

    (March 12, 2009)

  • Ashley's Ashes

    "They're not all gems" he'd say "You've got to pick and choose."

    (January  7, 2009)

  • Every Day Is December 26th

    Life is a gift. That's what everyone says, right? Well then tell me what fucking store I get to take my childhood back to because I'd like to make an exchange. "Hi. I'm sorry, but this 1983 isn't my size. It's a bitter, but I'm a happy."

    (December 26, 2008)

  • Yet Another Job, Outsourced

    Dear spammer from Bangladesh...

    (December  5, 2008)

  • Love At First Sight

    Love isn't an arrow from Cupid. It's a photo album with pages and pages of memories shared. Love is a look you've seen a million times but want to see a trillion more. Love is a look that says you're home.

    (November 19, 2008)

  • Is My Apartment Haunted?

    There were two voices, and they seemed to come from inside my apartment. They were as clear as day, but I was the only one home.

    (November 13, 2008)

  • I Know When To Let It Hang

    Not your typical dinner conversation, eh? Thank god she was talking about my...

    (September 20, 2008)

  • Some Fridges Are Colder Than Others

    The beauty of moving to a new apartment is that I get to start a whole new relationship with a different set of kitchen appliances. Believe me, I won't make some of the mistakes I made with my current fridge.

    (April  2, 2008)

  • To Catch A Pre-Dater

    How can they run an ad for online dating during a show called To Catch A Predator? What kind of message are they trying to send here? "Does sex with a 13 year old make you horny? Well here's the next best thing!" Geez, what's the next ad going to be for? A Hanna Montana concert?

    (February  1, 2008)

  • The World's Most Dangerous Road

    I was a high school kid living as an exchange student in Bolivia. I had a bad photocopy of an even worse map of an old Inca trail and a vague set of instructions that went a little something like this:

    (January 16, 2008)

  • Tracing Circles Around The Sun

    I have seen this spot before - this particular point in the circle we trace around the sun. It is the same as it was 365 days ago, and 365 days before then. I've seen it before and so have you, yet somehow, we think it is different simply because we are here.

    (December 28, 2007)

  • Don't Stop Believin'

    The potential to find love was the reason to go on dates in the first place. "She might be the one." There's always a chance, right? Through time and experience, I realized I was wrong. There is no one.

    (December 12, 2007)

  • Fuck Burt Bacharach

    When the power went out at my place late yesterday afternoon... when I wandered outside, in the darkness, roaming around the block to see if it was just my building was the only one suddenly without power... and as the wind was blowing and the rain was coming down... do you know what I was thinking?

    (December  4, 2007)

  • Long Division

    I thought of this one evening while flirting with a lovely woman. She was whip smart and funny as hell, but a sense of humor can be a a window into someone's mind if you take the time to look inside.

    (November  1, 2007)

  • Bork Bork Bork!!!

    Why didn't I think of that!?! Swedish Chef Scrabble!!!! Hilarious!

    (October 31, 2007)

  • A Letter From Rory Escobar

    "More Inches = More Sex" This is what Rory Escobar would like me to believe. Thanks for the email Rory, but I think we both know that's not how it works. More girlfriend = more sex.

    (October 13, 2007)

  • 9/11 Is The New Smurf

    Is it just me, or does Rudy Giuliani suddenly look a whole lot like Gargamel? He speaks a cartoon language with an amazing word that means anything and everything. You say "Gun control?" He says "Smurf."

    (September 27, 2007)

  • Livin' On A Prayer Plant

    John Paul the Third is a fascinating plant. He raises his leaves at night and then lowers them in the day. He's living with me on a temporary loan, to see if we hit it off... but I'm not sure it's going to work out. Apparently, he has a thing for 80's cheese rockers.

    (September 25, 2007)

  • The Ridiculous Ease of Backing Up A Mac

    All of my music! All of my photos! All of my notes! And letters! And... And... And... ...oh GOD. All of my work. Past, present and future projects in progress. Gone.

    (September 18, 2007)

  • Booyah For Teacher-Student Sex

    Do I get any credit for not cracking the obvious joke about teachers being judged by student performance?

    (September  7, 2007)

  • As If

    As if by magic, she expects her luck to change. She dreams of love as she blocks her heart from what her eyes see. She blames fate, but I know better.

    (July 28, 2007)

  • Statutory Rape

    Maybe it's just me, but, I really don't think statutory rape makes for proper public conversation. I'm guessing you want the background story on that thought.

    (July 17, 2007)

  • Yes! Yes! Oh God, YES!

    Come to me. Come. Take my outstretched hand. Come! Touch me with your watery droplets. Share with me your wetness. It has been so long, and I... I have been so hot through the heat-wave. It was oh so brutal. And you... YOU! You are here... here with me now, just when I need you the most.

    (July 12, 2007)

  • Crotch Monkey?!

    See No Evil, Hear No Evil, Speak No Evil, And you would be...?

    (July  6, 2007)

  • A Different Kind Of Freedom

    It's the Fourth Of July, and people are talk, talk, talking about freedom, but freedom is a tricky thing. We are free to live in the past and long for loves of the past and regret our mistakes of the past to the point where we alter the future in an attempt to not repeat the past, but is that really freedom?

    (July  4, 2007)

  • The Bell Curve

    "Life sure is getting complex. It is for you too? WOW! Let's make out."

    (June 30, 2007)

  • Hope, Luck, And The Swirling Sea

    Well, crap. I've written this post seven different ways over the last two weeks without finishing the thought, and on the eighth attempt...

    (June 29, 2007)

  • I Am The Opposite

    Though it was never my intention, I became the opposite of everything I knew as a child. My family are country folks. I'm a city boy. They're meat and potatoes. I could eat sushi daily. My father's family drinks cheap beer to excess. I drink microbrews, or wine but can't even remember the last time I was drunk. New Years Eve, 2000 maybe?

    (May 31, 2007)

  • Bottom Of The Box

    The lesson to be learned here is this: never try to reason with a tissue. In fact, I wouldn't try it with any disposable paper products, frankly. They're all drama queens. Paper towels, napkins, tissues... don't even get me started on toilet paper. Drama. Fucking. Queens.

    (May 11, 2007)

  • With Great Power Comes Opportunity

    It was only when I stepped into the elevator to retrieve my mail one afternoon that I realized the great power I suddenly - and thankfully just temporarily - possessed.

    (May  9, 2007)

  • Farm-Bound

    Burton was a good friend. We laughed together, we cried together, we swapped tales from days of our youths. I thought we had such great chemistry, but in the end, it wasn't enough. Also, he turned brown.

    (May  1, 2007)

  • Should?

    touch my hand. tensions rise. nerves can foil calm disguise

    (February 23, 2007)

  • The Man From #2B

    If only our walls were thicker, I wouldn't have to know.

    (February 20, 2007)

  • Hate Valentines Day

    Life gets crazy, and sometimes we could all use a reminder to take a step back and reflect on the things that really matter.

    (February 14, 2007)

  • The Look I Never Knew

    Your lows were among the lowest, but, oh, how your highs did soar. Do they still? It's been years...

    (February  9, 2007)

  • Shine A Little Light For Me

    The feeling is irrational. I know this, but the heart wants what the heart wants, and my heart wants the light. Bring it back.

    (January  6, 2007)

  • Damn Spam

    "Be erect in less than 15 min!" In less than fifteen minutes? Really? Surely this product isn't made by a man.

    (January  4, 2007)

  • And Take My Misses With You

    Tomorrow is a new day, and I'll live it a new way, or the blame for continued misdirection will be mine.

    (December 31, 2006)

  • Stalker Logic

    "A stalker's not quite so bad..."

    (December 22, 2006)

  • To Pass Along

    He does what he knows. She knows who she is. They are what they've left behind.

    (December  9, 2006)

  • Tornado Ally

    She was born like a kite in a storm. Though she howls like a tornado, she brings not winds of change.

    (December  6, 2006)

  • It's In The Slug Mug

    Pennies are not worthy of the slug mug.

    (December  5, 2006)

  • Jalpuna's Hierarchy Of Needs

    ...or, How Maslow Can Kiss My Effin' Triangle!

    (November 10, 2006)

  • The Captain. The Polygamist?

    "The Captain is affectionate and social, giving headbutts to show his appreciation for being loved. Being enthusiastic, he would be an ideal companion." Holy crap! That's me! ...minus the headbutts and cool title, of course.

    (October 21, 2006)

  • Bricks And Mortar

    Oh, but when you kissed me...

    (October 17, 2006)

  • Portland Oregon Rained On Me

    It's not that I would rather see a sold gray sky without a slice of color...

    (September 15, 2006)

  • Jesus!

    Would it be too disturbing if I were to specify in my will that I want my coffin wrapped in tin-foil and filled with Orville Redenbacher's finest?

    (August 29, 2006)

  • Do You?

    Do you remember being a little kid, and, even at that age, thinking that Smurfs were a pretty disturbing concept?

    (August 26, 2006)

  • Inappropriate One-Sided Conversation Of The Day

    "...downtown Portland is a lot like Israel, really."

    (August 13, 2006)

  • I Am An Ocean

    Could this be any more vague?

    (August  9, 2006)

  • Somewhere Between The Moment And The Moon

    She found a pants-suit on a clearance sale; it cost only a day. I've nothing more about that to say.

    (July 27, 2006)

  • Scrabble Alternatives

    Craigslist Scrabble (otherwise known as MySpace Scrabble): To play a word, you must either use or spell it incorrectly. Thus, 'lose' is spelled 'loose', and to-two-too are interchangeable. To make sure you're not using a proper spelling, use of a dictinary is allowed. Grin.

    (July 20, 2006)

  • Burton And The Blasphemy Channel

    Let's see what's on CNN. Let's see what's on The History Channel. What? It's the same damn show!

    (July 15, 2006)

  • Uhm... WHAT?!

    This was a first date, and since I'd already decided that there would not be a second, I let the awkward silence that followed hang to see what would happen next.

    (July 13, 2006)

  • This Is An Illusion

    Her shirt was red, her skirt was green, and her eyes, a vivid blue. But today is an illusion.

    (July  8, 2006)

  • National Kiss My Ass Day

    July 14th, A.K.A., Bastille Day in France. If there's one thing that the entire world can agree on, it is making fun of the French. Consider it a step towards world peace by making a day to tell them to "kiss my ass!"

    (June 23, 2006)

  • I Can Fly

    I can fly, but I crave your wings

    (June 13, 2006)

  • Because There Was No Year Zero

    Do you think there was a guy born in the year 1 AD named Chuck who tried to convince people that B.C. stood for "Before Chuck"?

    (June 11, 2006)

  • The Night That Won't

    The address is 2003 Memory Lane. She was in love with another man, but he was in love with another man too; a secret he kept to himself.

    (June  2, 2006)

  • Ghosts

    With the passing of time, memories become ghosts. They lurk in calendars. They live in photo albums. They rattle their chains in the details of stories told. But are they real?

    (May 26, 2006)

  • I Fought The Wall And The Wall Won

    In my defense, I was sold a defective wall anchor, which chewed through screws faster than a prostitute on SE 82nd.

    (May 17, 2006)

  • To Find Someone You Love

    "Baby steps get on the elevator... baby steps get on the elevator... Ah, I'm on the elevator."

    (May 13, 2006)

  • It's Up To You...

    To let someone in. To let something happen. To let someone know. To let something grow.

    (May  3, 2006)

  • The Last Time

    You give a firm embrace as your lips dance with mine, but your eyes are open. I can tell that I am not the one.

    (March 21, 2006)

  • A Whisper To A Kiss

    But as you sit with me on this couch, the well of words runs dry even though we've clearly not run out of things to say.

    (March 15, 2006)

  • Crap

    ...this is why I am so rarely quoted.

    (March 14, 2006)

  • Under A Streetlight

    I am here and all is well, but you're still lost in a private hell. I can see it all while under the light. The years have left you wounded more than makeup can disguise. You suspect you will be wounded by the deeds of future guys.

    (March 12, 2006)

  • Too Soon?

    Stayin' Alive, my ass. After admitting something like that, the silence alone could kill.

    (March 11, 2006)

  • The Leaves

    Though you made my heart quiver, you will make the trees shiver.

    (March  7, 2006)

  • Grandma's Gifts

    I'll be honest with you, I didn't even know that could be done! I had no idea you could mail a package across two continents, not to mention Central America, without using airmail.

    (March  1, 2006)

  • You And Me, But Not Us

    You doubted your present due to your past. You were hoping I'd give you a future. But I could only give you love.

    (February 26, 2006)

  • Sir

    "And for you sir?" "I'll have a Guinness." "Certainly. Do you mind if I check your ID first?" Well great. I'm a dead man...

    (February  5, 2006)

  • Wisdom From A Six Year Old

    I didn't take this as a lesson that all people were bad, or even that all girls were bad. I just understood that this one particular bitch was bad. Very bad.

    (February  3, 2006)

  • Oyster

    "Hi! My world is squishy and gray. And it reeks of fish. Eventually, it'll be eaten."

    (January 27, 2006)

  • It's A Sham

    Next time we're in a clothes store, I should drop my pants and give you a look around. 75% of the store is clothes for women. Penis-bearers are lucky to get even a quarter of the store.

    (January 24, 2006)

  • Something

    "You've got to believe in something" she said. I told her that I do.

    (January  3, 2006)

  • Lucky You

    "Doing a little holiday shopping?" asked the sixteen year old behind what used to be called a cash register. "Why, yes!" I thought to myself. "What could make a better Christmas present than 'Data Rescue II - Emergency Hard Drive Recovery'?"

    (December 21, 2005)

  • How About This?

    I'll speak in clever phrases, leading the conversation where I need it to go, and you will do your part. Without realizing it, you will provide the necessary details.

    (December 14, 2005)

  • Make An iTunes Jukebox

    The real power of iTunes, in my opinion, is the ability to combine categories in these smart playlists. I've listened to music differently ever since I first discovered this. Maybe you will too...

    (December 10, 2005)

  • The New Couple

    Hey lady, where did you come from? And what's in those boxes? Are they filled with furnishings from two homes being blended into one? Hey lady, is he the one?

    (December  5, 2005)

  • FYI? No. Eff My Eye!

    The phrase-that-pays for this particular post is "Muff! It's what's for dinner!" But before I get to that part of the story, I have to fess-up. I am a bad man.

    (November 19, 2005)

  • Joliet, Illinois

    I imagined a grumpy man. Mean even. He had hate in his heart - or so I imagined. "Why else would he be so distant from his own family?"

    (November 13, 2005)

  • A Bee And A Bam

    There was a bee flying around inside her car! An agitated bee no less. What more of a need could there be to for self-defense than this?

    (November 10, 2005)

  • White Trash On Craigslist. No, Really!

    I know what you're thinking: "this not-job's trying to pawn off a trash can with an attitude on me?" No no no... it's not like that at all. This trash can is a sweetie. Really. Well, ok, maybe not. I mean, how sweet could something that craves trash be? However, as far as things that crave trash go...

    (November  4, 2005)

  • Doctor And The Gringo

    When I returned to the courtyard, I found Jeff beaming. He was surrounded by Bolivian men who appeared to be having the time of their lives. They paid no attention to me, as they were determined to help Jeff teach Doctor to say this magical phrase.

    (October 25, 2005)

  • You Animal!

    The polar bear stopped backing up. He was now standing only a few feet in front of the window, which meant that we were all staring at a giant polar bear ass. And then the polar bear did something nobody expected.

    (August 21, 2005)

  • In Cahoots With Moot

    I can't get me enough of a word like moot. If not for the fact that my voice is two blocks south of horrendous, I'd walk around singing Jessie's Girl all day and night, just so I'd have an excuse to get my moot on.

    (August 19, 2005)

  • Children, Discipline, And Beatings For The Worthy

    "Jimmy, please don't pull the dog's tail. Jimmy, can you get down off that ledge? Jimmy, I'd really prefer it if you didn't stick your hand down the garbage disposal while it's running."

    (August 17, 2005)

  • Discovery: Bad Things Could Happen

    Please NASA, bring home Discovery's crew safe and sound. If not for their own sake, do it for the poor bastard aliens that have to watch us do this dumb shit.

    (August  3, 2005)

  • Time

    Imagine how much more we'd have accomplished if the Earth spun faster.

    (July 26, 2005)

  • Idaho!

    Oh my god do people crack me up. Check out the google search somebody did that led them to Jalpuna...

    (July 11, 2005)

  • Bitches I Won't Miss When I Someday Leave This Joint

    It's not that I'm looking forward to moving out of this loft. It's a great space. I'm happy here, but that doesn't mean all is bliss in my little polka-joyland. It isn't. And with that in mind...

    (June 19, 2005)

  • I Get High

    I don't know his name, but I lived across the hall from him for two years. He has AIDS, a disease I am quite confident he contracted through drug use. I'm sure he'd tell you he never chose to have AIDS, but he chose to take the steps that led him to it. Is there really a difference?

    (June  1, 2005)

  • I Know You're Going To Read This Because It's About Porn

    Oh god, I can't help myself... I want... I lust... I crave...

    (April 11, 2005)

  • What I've Learned

    I've learned that I really care what other people think of me - but not so much that I'd be willing to change who I am for the sake of approval.

    (April  7, 2005)

  • Thirty One Flavors Of Cat Litter

    I want to meet the person who owns Tidy Cat and ask: "What does your cat drop a load onto?"

    (March 28, 2005)

  • My Happiness Starts With Me

    I used to say I would give up everything I had to live a life I'd never known, but I would be doomed to make these mistakes again - because this is who I am.

    (March 24, 2005)

  • This Post Brought To You By The Color White

    It's a mighty leap from biscuits verses rolls to missionary verses whatever comes just close enough to setting their geezer pacemakers off without actually killing one of them.

    (January 13, 2005)

  • It's A Fucking Rock Pile

    At first, we just sat in silence, as if words required energy we didn't have. Finally, I looked at Jeff and said "That was amazing."

    (November 19, 2004)

  • I Did Something Stupid. Bring Tools

    We men do really dumb things. I don't know why. Maybe it's genetic. All I know is that I'm glad my friends are less inept than I. I'm also glad I can be so entertaining. This is a story about me being dumb, but entertaining...

    (November  9, 2004)

  • Yes On Oregon Constitutional Amendment 428-36-09.5

    Constitutional Amendment 428-36-09.5 would change our state Constitution to prevent political any candidate running for public office from utilizing campaign dirty tricks under penalty of a mandatory lobotomy.

    (November  1, 2004)

  • Mom And The Unnamed One

    nitially, we debated whether it said "mom" or "wow," and though wow would have been a better name for a hammer, we stuck with mom - with good reason.

    (September 17, 2004)

  • Woe And The Suitcase

    And though I looked high and low, in search of the woe that had to go - the answer was inevitably no. There was simply no woe to stow, and I should know.

    (August 27, 2004)

  • Toothbrush Holder

    Are the toothbrush holder makers trying to tell us something? What kind of m'nage-quatro relationship involves four people! That's far too complex for my tastes. Is it some kind of Mormon thing? Is my toothbrush holder religiously biased?

    (August 24, 2004)

  • To: 'If The Shoe Fits'

    "there's a dream somewhere that's never been spoken, here's your busfare somewhere else, where you can spend your days all shattered and broken 'til you're gone goodbye forever - but i could fill that hole for you"

    (August 13, 2004)

  • The Eternal Optimist

    "You know the old saying about the glass being half empty or half full? Well, my glass is twice as big as it needs to be because I've got more on the way." She grinned a spectacular smile that told me she got the joke, and that she knew I wasn't kidding.

    (August  3, 2004)

  • I Walked In On Them

    No, this wasn't meant for me to see. I was becoming a man of the world, living in two cities at the same time. Surely this gave me a broader perspective than most. It's not as if I was some sort of six year old...

    (August  2, 2004)

  • The Ring

    "If I had a ring..." I began, not really having a roadmap for the words I wanted to say. I reached into my jacket as if fetching something from a pocket deep inside, and I continued. "If I had a ring... and I asked you..."

    (July 26, 2004)

  • Can-O-Raunch

    I'm working on what shall surely be my greatest invention ever! The idea is to create a spray-able can of raunchy stink with a gray tint. I'm calling it "Can-O-Raunch!" It'll be a non-smoker's best friend.

    (July 22, 2004)

  • First Date Assumptions

    The mother of all first date assumptions. It's a flight-suit wearing boogieman standing in front of a mission accomplished banner serving as an obvious clue that the situation will only get worse. Much worse.

    (July 14, 2004)

  • Who Da Ho?

    He of many names thought my theory of little sense was full of lots of crap. To prove it, he and his lovely one-named-fiance took me for a drive.

    (June 22, 2004)

  • The Switch

    If there's one thing I've learned about traveling in the third world, it's this: When there's a sign posted in a language not native to the country you're in, you'd damn well better read it.

    (June 21, 2004)

  • 9/11 Panel: Santa Claus Not Involved

    In a stunning revelation, the panel investigating the September 11th attacks confirmed that no one from The North Pole was involved whatsoever. The whole thing about Iraq and 9/11 was crap too...

    (June 16, 2004)

  • I've Changed My Opinion On Gay Marriage

    I am in favor of gay men being able to get married if they so choose. I am in favor of straight men marrying each other so long as neither one of them is me. But here's where my position on gay marriage gets a little tricky...

    (June 14, 2004)

  • The Secrets To Living A Happy Life

    Free of charge, I present to you my secret for living a happy and fulfilling life. You're welcome...

    (June  9, 2004)

  • The Loveseat

    I rescued a couch from Goodwill two years ago, and I thought that would form a meaningful bond between us - but apparently my couch has its doubts. We had a 'conversation' last night that went a little something like this...

    (June  6, 2004)

  • Beeeee-Deeeeep!

    Ever have one of those moments when you're faced with such stupidity that you want to trade up from the human race into something smarter?

    (May 30, 2004)

  • My Top Ten Favorite Digits

    A little mindless humor...

    (May 22, 2004)

  • Not Necessarily 'Lost' Loves

    Even after a relationship has ended, the beauty of moments spent together will be something I carry with me. It makes me a better man.

    (May 17, 2004)

  • A Two Date Day With One Married Today

    "So I hear they found the 'magic bullet' and it turns out Lee Harvey Oswald didn't do it after all... it was the Swiss who shot JFK - presumably because he was hoarding all of their MISS." -- Her: "Yeah I read about that."

    (May 15, 2004)

  • No Blue Meanie Gal For Me!

    There's Miss "I'm Afraid To Make Eye Contact even once." Miss "You're Paying For Dinner So I'll Order Glass After Glass Of THE Most Expensive Wine On The Menu." And Miss "You Won't Believe What I Named My Vibrator"

    (April 25, 2004)

  • She Was The Virgin 'When'...

    Nevermind that the Babylonians thought up the whole virgin-birth deal long before the Christians got around to it... and nevermind that Mary wasn't a virgin - just a virgin when you-know-who was conceived...

    (April 17, 2004)

  • The Morning Of March 8th, 1983

    I was probably the last person to see him alive, and I remember it well. I got out of bed for who knows what reason... getting out of bed at 2am wasn't something I did when I was little.

    (April  6, 2004)

  • A Real Life 'Chutes & Ladders'

    I was far too sophisticated a child for Hungry Hungry Hippos and games of that sort. No no no... I was destined to be a chutes and ladders man. Now here I am at age 32, and much to my shock and dismay, I've come to realize...

    (March 22, 2004)

  • The Cow Girl

    "Maybe it wasn't his fault." (ohgod, I've now said it out loud) "What do you mean?" she asks. "Well... maybe the cow was at fault." (as if saying it again makes it any better)

    (March 13, 2004)

  • Me Verses Spam

    "Should I forward this email promising whiter teeth, inner peace and multiple orgasms to Duncan?" It's a difficult decision to make, and it's a decision you shouldn't have to make on your own. Lucky for you, I'm here to help...

    (March  8, 2004)

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