Dear Comcast

OH JEBUS ACHE CHRISPY CREME DOUGHNUTS! I live in Portland but can't get the channel that airs Portlandia, the show about Portland, on cable in Portland?

Portlandia airs Fridays on a network called IFC. Comcast has IFC on channel 503. Five Hundred And Three? Comcast, are you kidding me with that? As if there could possibly be 502 more relevant channels?

OH, thank GOD! "Bonefish Grill's Notes From the Road" is on channel 180. Yeah, I can't wait to watch that.

Channel 1 frigging 66: FEARnet On Demand. WHAT? If I want fear on demand, I'll turn on Fox News.

Cheaters is on channel 136. I can go to a bar to see cheaters. Why waste a channel on that? But I have to pay EXTRA for Comcast to carry IFC? I'll pay extra for KFC (delivered!) ...but IFC?

There's a channel called OVATION? And Comcast carries it WHY?

How is it possible that Comcast can't carry IFC on a channel less than halfway to a thousand. A THOUSAND! But they have room for an entire channel that airs nothing but ads? Channel 315. "Ad Channel" Oh, great. I can sit and watch this while Portlandia airs on a channel I don't get. Hey, look. It's some broad with a thighmaster. That's so much better than watching a show about the city I call home.

Come on, Comcast! You know you've thoroughly fucked up when you have to abandon your entire identity due to your own customers' perceptions of your brand. Yes, I'm talking about Xfinity. Your silly new name does neither solve nor change your old problems. In fact, your stupid new trendy sounding name just confirms them.

Here's a better idea:

Pull out a piece of paper. Leave a bunch of blank space at the top. Below the blank space, jot down a list of all of the reasons your own customers think you're scumbags. In that blank space you left at the top of the page, write the following in Big Bold Letters:


Hey! You've got a handy list of all that you're doing wrong. Yay for clarity, eh? Ah, but now the most important part:

If something is on the list, STOP DOING IT.

Here's the thing guys: Excellence Is A Choice. It's a conscious decision. You either choose to exceed your customers' expectations, or you choose to play the game of bait and switch, nickel and dime.

Damn you for your promotional prices while hiding what an actual Comcast bill will be.

Damn you for giving me free access to the godddddamn AD CHANNEL while expecting me to pay extra for channels other cable companies provide in standard packages. And let's talk about those packages. Damn you for those packages too. I don't need 397 channels plus a channel of sub-par on-demand content. I need about ten channels.


Maybe not even that many.

Every time you air an ad for Xfinity, you should be embarrassed. And if you're not? Well, that's part of the problem right there.

Rant over and muppetfroggin' out!

Comcast, you can kiss my pasty white Portland but can't even watch the show about Portland on Comcast in Portland ass.

P.S. I think you're scumbags. Just in case I didn't make that clear.

P.P.S. I really do think that. I'm not just saying it to be funny.


::::: | Tuesday, Jan 18 2011 at 10:47 PM
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natalie said:

i absolutely HATE comcast. watch it on hulu.com. that's what i did.

::::: | January 19, 2011 8:43 AM

Rob said:

I watched it online too. But I find it infuriating that I have to do that when I already pay for expanded cable!

::::: | January 19, 2011 11:24 AM

natalie said:

totally with you on that one. grrrrrrrrrrrrr

::::: | January 24, 2011 4:27 PM

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