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This Thought Was Best By Today

It's a story as old as time itself. Well, ok, it's really only as old as refrigeration.

A man who may or may not be me stands in front of his fridge with an item in his hand. "Hhmmm. I forgot this was in here." And he wonders...

"Is this still good?"

Since there's no one around to answer him, he may or may not eat the item in question. Oh, who am I kidding. He's going to eat it.

There's a Best By date stamped on the package, but it's not helpful at all. The date was the day before yesterday. That's when it was "best"? What does that mean?

Does it mean he shouldn't eat it after that date? Does he need to finish eating it shortly after that date? If so, how soon after? Or, does it just become less awesome after that date? If so... how much less awesome? "Even the stuff I eat that's supposedly still good isn't always... y'know... Good ...so how do I know if this is bad?"

Sell By dates are even worse.

If you stop to think about it, a Sell By date is actually offensive. It's the store's way of saying "I don't give a rats ass if or when you eat this, but we want it out of our store by friday!" Gee, thanks for putting the customer first.

I don't care when something I bought in a grocery store should be sold or will be at its best. I bought it now. I assume it is at its best now. If it isn't at its best yet, sell it to me when it is.

Once I've bought something, I just need to know when it will kill me. Up to that point, it's still good.

Here's what I really want: instead of a Best By date, I want to see a Bletch By date. Slap a label on there that says "If you haven't eaten this by March first… dude… the answer is NO." Usage of the word Dude would imply that they really really mean it.

I don't think products should come with Best By dates.
I think people should.

Scenario #1:
"Wow, your ex was a bitch!"
"No, she was sweet. 'Course, I was with her long before her Best By date."

Scenario #2:
"Wow, your ex was a bitch!"
"Yeah, but I dated her two years after her Best By date, so it's really MY fault."

Scenario #3:
"Man, Rob, you're a jerk."
"Yeah, but before my Best By date, I used to be awesome, whereas you've always been a douche bag."

Best By dates: people, not products. You know I'm right. (Except maybe for the tub of butter from August 09. I'm pitching that!)