A Hipster With A Hippopotamus

A hipster with a hippopotamus walks into a pub and orders a PBR.

...there's your setup. It's obvious where I'm going with this, but humor me and follow along anyway, ok? Thanks! As I was saying...

A hipster with a hippopotamus walks into a pub and orders a PBR. Never mind the fact that we're in Portland and the pub has plenty of world-class microbrews to choose from. The menu features locally brewed Porters and Stouts, ESB's more bitter than a second ex-wife who got nothing in the divorce, and even an Amber named after a neighborhood hot chick who, curiously enough, isn't named Amber. He could have had any of these. Instead, he ordered a goddamn factory-made corporate-owned generic as all get-out glass of piss the rest of the world knows as Pabst. But hipsters are too anti-establishment to call it Pabst. That's why he ordered a fucking P-B-R.


The bartender rolled his eyes the same way you probably did as you read this. I mean, really... this particular hipster was as cliche as they come: skinny jeans, thick-framed glasses, an ironic T-shirt, oversize retro headphones, and hair that looked like he'd just rolled out of bed even though everyone KNOWS it took him at least a half hour to get it to look that way.


Truth be told, the hipster wasn't technically "in" the pub. He'd brought a hippopotamus, after all, and pubs tend to frown on that sort of thing. Thus, he was in the pub's pet-friendly outdoor seating. Luckily, it was a warm early summer afternoon. Not too hot, not too cool... perfect weather to be outside.

Since most of the people who pack the pub on weeknights were still at work, the place was pretty empty, so it didn't take long for the bartender to return with the beer PBR, which he sat on the table but did not let go of.

"Here's you go" the bartender said with his hand still on the glass. "But first, I've got to ask... uhm... where'd you get him?"

The hippopotamus replied: "Are you kidding? I picked him up in NOPO. Man, they're everywhere over there."

* * * * * * * * * * *

Are you ready for another joke? Great! Here we go:

A Hippie with a hamster walks into a hemp-hat shop... [grin] ...the hamster says: "Are you kidding? I picked him up on Hawthorne. You can't even step on the sidewalk without bumping into ten of 'em over there."


Wait! One more... A libertarian with a lobster walks into a library... and the lobster says... wait.. wait... the lobster says...

...well, it said something about how a vote for a third party candidate isn't actually a wasted vote, but then he realized the librarian was wearing a "Yes We Can" t-shirt and that's when the scene got kind of awkward... which is fine, because the libertarian would have never voted to fund a library in the first place even though he certainly doesn't mind using it... but that's irrelevant because the joke isn't nearly as funny as the one about the homophobic family values preaching Christian conservative who walked into an undercover cop when he was looking for a restroom rim-job...

::::: | Saturday, Jan 17 2009 at 9:12 PM
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Polka Dot said:

Hhahahahaaa!!! Can't believe you just said "rim-job!" hahaha!!

::::: | January 19, 2009 9:16 AM

Brandon said:

The hipster/Pabst/Portland phenomenon used to perplex me too but there's a simple explanation: when you're 27 and still working in a coffee shop for minimum wage despite a graduate degree, there's not enough money to go around for both product AND quality brew. $4.50 for a microbrew, in this economy, well, that ain't cheap. Soon we'll all be drinking Pabst.

::::: | January 22, 2009 2:31 PM

Lindsay said:

I have to admit, I have ordered PBR many times in the last year. Once you've got a buzz going you don't even taste it, plus, you guessed it, the economy. :P

Anyway, wanted to stop by and say hi. It's been a loooong ass time since I saw you last. In fact, I haven't even seen your new place!

Cheers mate!

::::: | March 11, 2009 12:52 AM

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