Jalpuna

Is My Apartment Haunted?

When getting used to a new home, I notice every little detail - probably because the details are different. The sounds are foreign. The furniture is the same as it was in the last apartment, but it's arranged differently. The situation is new.

The first sound I noticed in the new apartment was an obnoxious buzzing sound. It's an alert from the parking garage across the street to let pedestrians know a car is exiting, but I would tell friends "it's a hipster-muttonchop detector." Really, the buzz is more of a skateboarder-automobile collision-detector. I've seen a few close calls, and the only reason I noticed them was because the buzz made me look.

BZZZZZZZZZZZZT!!!!!
Car: "WTF?!?!?"
Skateboarder: "AAAAAAAUUGH!!!!!"
Rob: "Wheeee! Thanks for the alert Mr. Buzz! I would have totally missed that!"

The garage has a wide enough entrance that cars are easy to spot, so the buzz is pretty much pointless as far as accident prevention goes. That's why I think it should instead be timed to sound as the car crosses the sidewalk.

Car: "WTF?!?!?"
Skateboarder: "AAAAAAAUUGH!!!!!"
...Wham!!!
BZZZZZZZZZZZZT!!!!!

That would be awesome!

...ahem...

The second sound I noticed in my new apartment was the dishwasher. It would moan and groan every time I did dishes, as if in protest. "Ohhhh mubb mubb mubb mubb, Ohhhhh, mubb bubb wubb bub." For obvious reasons, I named the dishwasher Mona.

Those sounds were acceptable enough. The sound that told me I needed to find a new place to live began with a thumping. And a bumping. And then cackling. And so much more. It began roughly six weeks after I moved in.

I heard voices.

There were two voices, and they seemed to come from inside my apartment. They were as clear as day, but I was the only one home.

Sometimes the voices were happy.
"...heeeheeee!!!"
"...ahahahaaaa!!!!"

Sometimes they were likable.
"...I was like..."
"...and then she was like..."
"...and you were like..."
"...aaahhahaahaaa!!!!!"

Other times, the voices were questioning.
"...are you there?"
"...OH GOD!"
"...are you there?"
"...I'm almost there! Almost there!!!"

I wanted to cry out "I'm here!!! I'm right here! Where are YOU?" It was at times like this the voices would begin to insult me.

"...You're a dirty girl!!!!"
Wtf? I'm a boy!
"...oh GOD! You're such a dirty girl!!!"
Dammit. I'm. A. Boy.
"...come on!"
Are the voices trying to provoke me?
"...OHHH YEAH!!!!"
No! I will not let the voices provoke me.
"...Baby come on!!!!!"
Hey now. Who are the voices calling a baby?
"...OOOHOOHOOHHH!!!!!"
Never mind! I will not let the voices provoke me!
"...are you there?"
I'm. Right. Here.
"...are you there?"
Come on now. I'm right frigging here! Where are you?
"...uuuuuuuhhhhh!!!! I'm there!!!!"
Where! I can't see you!
"...are you there?"
I SAID, I'M...
"...Oh mommy, I'm there!!!!"
Whoa. Hold on a sec. ...Mommy?

Is it possible that I've misread the situation entirely?

"...Who's my dirty girl?"
"...Oh Mommy!!!"
"...Come on! Who's my dirty girl?"
"...OHHHH GODDDD... I'M COMING!!!!"

No, my apartment is not haunted. There's a gap in the wall where sound passes from the unit next door into mine. Or, I should say, into the unit that was mine. Due to the shape of our apartments, more of their noise made it into my place than mine did into theirs. What I didn't know when I moved in was that the apartment next door was vacant. Thus the reason the voices arrived six weeks later when the unit next door was rented.

We were neighbors for five months. As of this week, I am getting used to the sounds of my 'new' new apartment.

By the way - have I ever mentioned that I hate lesbians? No, I'm not a homophobe. I'm just jealous. OK, in truth, I don't hate lesbians. I'm really, really jealous. They're hoarding breasts and I think that's not right. I'm highly in favor of men being gay, however. In fact, I think every man, excluding me, should be gay.

...but that's another story.

::::: | Thursday, Nov 13 2008 at 8:46 PM
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