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A Letter To Santa's Wife

Dear Mrs. Claus;

      I owe your husband an apology.

      I was the guy who lined my neighbor's chimney with itching powder a few years ago. It was also me who iced all of the roofs in my neighborhood, and yes, I was the one who sent the letter last year that forced everyone to evacuate the North Pole. The white powder in that letter was just left-over itching powder and I swear it never occurred to me you folks would mistake it for anthrax. Looking back, I recognize the error in my judgment and I feel really bad about it.

      But here's the thing - I've been asking your husband for the same gift every year. I ask him to find me a loving girlfriend. Instead, that fat bastard gives me stuff like new clothes, to which he attaches notes saying things like "women like a well dressed man," as if he thinks I don't know that.

      Why is it so wrong for me to ask Santa to look at his list of naughty and nice, and find me a woman who is a healthy dose of each? More nice than naughty I suppose, but naughty enough. You know?

      I'm aware that love is normally Cupid's department, but Cupid's been really flakey lately, and frankly, I don't trust him. Have you SEEN some of the matches he's been making? Tom Cruz and Katie Holmes? Britney Spears and Anybody? WTF!

      Look at your husband's track record verses Cupid's. Your husband manages to find millions of houses and deliver the correct gifts for each, and he does this all on one night. Meanwhile, Cupid can't seem to tell a cute girl's ass from a hole in the ground.

      You've been married forever, Mrs. Claus, so maybe you've forgotten what the singles-scene is like. It's murder out there! Oh, sure, there are some wonderful single women, but hoooooo boy, there are some mad hatters too. Why should I have to figure out that a potential love interest is thirteen shades of crazy when Santa already knows!?! He's got a LIST for christ sake. And I know it's accurate because he checks it TWICE.

      This brings me to the purpose of why I am writing to you today. Mrs. Claus, I'd like to make a deal.

      I promise to never again pull a prank on Santa if you can get him to help me out a little. All I'm asking is for Santa to take a look at his list the next time he sees me start to seriously date someone, and then let me know if she doesn't measure up.

      Jesus Christ, Mrs. Claus, if a woman isn't good enough for a once a year pit-stop from Santa, she certainly isn't good enough for a lifetime with ME!

      I've got standards too y'know.

      In exchange for Santa's help, I promise to never again bake him cookies with chocolate covered Ex-Lax chunks.

      Really, this arrangement would be a win-win situation for all of us. No more bad women for me, no more pranks for Santa, and no more grumpy Santa for you.

      So, what do you say? Do we have a deal?

      Sincerely,
      - Rob

      P.S. I know he's not on Santa's 'Good' list, but could you have Santa give George Bush a map that shows where Osama Bin Laden is? It's been six years since 9/11, and he still has no clue.

      P.P.S. I think Cupid could really use a new bow and arrow set for Christmas this year, unless he's been doing that 'middle school teacher falls for her student' shit intentionally.

      P.P.P.S. Happy Hanukkah! (just kidding, Mrs. Claus. Just kidding)

::::: | Filed under: favorites, humor
::::: | Posted Sunday, Dec 23 2007 at 8:03 PM
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