A Letter To Santa's Wife

Dear Mrs. Claus;

      I owe your husband an apology.

      I was the guy who lined my neighbor's chimney with itching powder a few years ago. It was also me who iced all of the roofs in my neighborhood, and yes, I was the one who sent the letter last year that forced everyone to evacuate the North Pole. The white powder in that letter was just left-over itching powder and I swear it never occurred to me you folks would mistake it for anthrax. Looking back, I recognize the error in my judgment and I feel really bad about it.

      But here's the thing - I've been asking your husband for the same gift every year. I ask him to find me a loving girlfriend. Instead, that fat bastard gives me stuff like new clothes, to which he attaches notes saying things like "women like a well dressed man," as if he thinks I don't know that.

      Why is it so wrong for me to ask Santa to look at his list of naughty and nice, and find me a woman who is a healthy dose of each? More nice than naughty I suppose, but naughty enough. You know?

      I'm aware that love is normally Cupid's department, but Cupid's been really flakey lately, and frankly, I don't trust him. Have you SEEN some of the matches he's been making? Tom Cruz and Katie Holmes? Britney Spears and Anybody? WTF!

      Look at your husband's track record verses Cupid's. Your husband manages to find millions of houses and deliver the correct gifts for each, and he does this all on one night. Meanwhile, Cupid can't seem to tell a cute girl's ass from a hole in the ground.

      You've been married forever, Mrs. Claus, so maybe you've forgotten what the singles-scene is like. It's murder out there! Oh, sure, there are some wonderful single women, but hoooooo boy, there are some mad hatters too. Why should I have to figure out that a potential love interest is a cold hearted bitch when Santa already knows!?! He's got a LIST for christ sake. And I know it's accurate because he checks it TWICE.

      Jesus Christ, Mrs. Claus, if a woman isn't good enough for a once a year pit-stop from Santa, she certainly isn't good enough for a lifetime with ME!

      I've got standards too y'know.

      This brings me to the purpose of why I am writing to you today. Mrs. Claus, I'd like to make a deal.

      I promise to never again pull a prank on Santa if you can get him to help me out a little. Just have him look over his list and find someone nice (but not too nice) who is looking for a guy like me. Surely, he's gotten a letter from a cool single woman who would love a little romance in her life!

      For Santa, this would be like delivering two gifts with only half the work. It's a win-win situation, Mrs. Clause.

      In exchange for Santa's help, I promise to never again bake him cookies with chocolate covered Ex-Lax chunks.

      So, what do you say? Do we have a deal?

      - Rob

      P.S. I know he's not on Santa's 'Good' list, but could you have Santa give George Bush a map that shows where Osama Bin Laden is? It's been six years since 9/11, and he still has no clue.

      P.P.S. I think Cupid could really use a new bow and arrow set for Christmas this year, unless he's been doing that 'middle school teacher falls for her student' shit intentionally.

      P.P.P.S. Happy Hanukkah! (just kidding, Mrs. Claus. Just kidding)

::::: | Sunday, Dec 23 2007 at 8:03 PM
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Mari said:

*grin* I swear that your writing manages to brighten up my day whenever you write stuff like that... no matter how crappy the day or my life, you bring a smile to my face... Thank you :)

::::: | December 12, 2006 9:58 AM

Alice said:

Me too! I have been good too Santa. No, really. I wish for no freaks or wierdos. Someone that whose house is clean and doesn't look like a meth lab. Someone that is a match.

Someone that is funny but not hurtful (unless we are playing "What were they thinking?! at a good people watching place.)

He's got to be smart, understanding, and doesn't play the jealousy card. Someone that is fun to be with at home. Someone that likes to go out. Someone with a life.

Does Santa read hearts?

::::: | December 12, 2006 11:56 AM

Shawnte said:

Oh, sometimes it's a bit freaky how much we seem to be on the same wavelength. I just posted something along these lines too!

And how much do I wish I could be part of your Kazoo Christmas?

::::: | December 12, 2006 7:38 PM

cazoo said:


::::: | October 30, 2015 8:46 AM

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