Ever since Burton died last spring, I've been trying to find a suitable companion for Duncan. Someone strong. Someone attractive. Someone with integrity. Someone who could live on top of a CD rack that gets no sunlight since it's against a north facing window.
Poor Burton. He could see sunlight from his lofty perch, but he couldn't get any of it. And He turned brown.
As I began my search for someone new, I quickly came to a stark realization.
Finding the right plant is a lot like finding the right woman. I can't just pick someone attractive and declare that a match has been made. Believe me, I've tried!
Instead, I have to take it slow and see if there's potential for something long term.
It's dating all over again.
My first post-Burton plant-date was with Oretha Colleen, the Orchid Copper Queen. She stood majestically, with slender leaves and magnificent flowers that were blooming in white and orange. At least, that's how she looked when I put her on top of the CD rack. A few weeks later, she was in pretty rough shape.
In my defense, I warned her of the north-facing window before I even bought her. "You'd get no sun up there" I said. "It's a big window with a really nice view, but it's deceptively dark."
...but she'd hear none of it. "Just get me out of here!" she gasped. "I'm royalty - a Copper Queen - and look at what has become of me. I'm at Safeway. It's humiliating."
I felt insulted by that since I was at Safeway too - by choice even! I shop there all the time. Still, I cannot resist beauty. I took Oretha home with me, which quickly brought about her near-demise.
Lucky for her, my friend Sarah has a big heart and a sunny window in which Oretha Colleen has since bloomed again. They seem quite happy together.
Soon after, I met Sebastian, the Starburst plant. He was a fantastically chipper fellow with light green and orange features in a four inch pot.
Unfortunately, Sebastian and I butted heads from day one, and he didn't last long. I caught him making eyes with my friend Jennea, and since he and I weren't going to work out anyway, I said she might as well take a shot. Jennea and Sebastian have lived happily ever after. He's already up to a six inch pot.
Next came Vanessa. Like Burton, Vanessa is a Bromeliad. My splendid Vanessa is a Vriesea Splendens, if that means anything to you. What it should have meant to me is that she'd be a needy bitch.
"I need boiled water!"
"I need sunlight!"
...yeah? Well I need a winning lottery ticket, but I don't see that happening either.
We've been together for four months, but I'm not sure how long this relationship will last. It's starting to look like I'm going to need a new plant.
And that brings me to who I met last night.,
Over a glass of wine, Jennea introduced me to someone she met at a plant store in SE Portland. She was there looking for another Sebastian to give to a friend of hers, and she spotted a Maranta Leuconeura.
His name is John Paul the Third. He's a Prayer Plant.
I know what you're thinking. "Why did you name him John Paul the Third?" Well, John Paul the Second was taken, obviously.
John Paul the Third is a fascinating plant. He raises his leaves at night and then lowers them in the day. He's living with me on a temporary loan, to see if we hit it off... but I'm not sure it's going to work out. Apparently, he has a thing for 80's cheese rockers.
"You like Bon Jovi? Really?"
Oh, and he might need sun...? At least a little...?
That's the thing about relationships. It's easy to fall for a guy like me. I can be quite charming. This I know.
...But what happens after a few months on top of my CD rack?
This post is fucked up but it's funny as hell. It makes me wonder why my girlfriend owns a bunch of spider plants!!!!::::: | January 4, 2011 10:19 PM