Harry Potter, Book 7! He Dies! She Dies!

As of this moment, I am no longer watching TV.
Or listening to the radio.
Or reading the paper.
Or surfing anything on the web.
Or talking on the phone.
Or walking out my front door.

Absofuckinglutely Not.

Everybody and their second cousin's second-cousin-husband seems to want to spoil the ending of the Harry Potter series before any of us have a chance to read the final book. Well I say NO! My loft might as well be a bomb-shelter because I'm cutting off the outside world dammit. I'm closing the blinds and deadbolting the door until I get to the end of book seven.

Everybody wants to spoil it.
Everybody wants to talk about it.
And ponder it.
And debate it.
And discuss what it should be.
And shouldn't be.
And will be.
And won't be.

And. I. Say. No.

I'm going to read the book before anyone has a chance to impact my opinion of it. Anybody who spoils the ending on me dies.

If some crackpot calls to see if I've gotten to the part in the book where insert-spoiler-here happens, I'll be showing up at that crackpot's door ten minutes later and the crackpot dies.

If some bitch drops by to ask what I thought about that thing I haven't actually read yet... I don't know what I'll do, but I do know that the bitch dies.


Since I'm a wuss who could barely muster up the violence required to hurt himself, I will instead opt to close myself off from the world until I finish reading Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows.

Aaaaaaaaaand that means I have to leave the information black-hole of my loft to go to Borders where my copy is on reserve for under twenty bucks (a bargain! Oh hell yes!).

This throws a giant monkey wrench into my plans.

God dammit. Why are monkeys even allowed to HAVE wrenches? They do nothing but cause problems with them.

If a wrench-wielding monkey somehow manages to spoil the ending of the final Harry Potter book as I make my way to or from Borders, he dies.

"Well that's awfully sexist Rob. Why do you assume the wrench-wielding ending-spoiling monkey is male?"

OK then. If it's a she monkey, she dies.

::::: | Thursday, Jul 19 2007 at 4:25 PM
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Haha! said:

You're probably not going to read this since you said you're not reading anything on the web but I thought this was hilarious! I bought my copy of Harry Potter on Amazon and it's supposed to get delivered on Saturday! I can't wait!

::::: | July 19, 2007 10:49 PM

Holly said:

SPOILER ALERT: The final battle between Harry and Voldemort is, surprisingly enough not resolved by a ferocious battle between the two. Instead, the clumsy kid whose name you can never remember had an accident in Double Potions way back in Book Three and created a substance that turns out to be a very effective antidote to those Deathly Hallows, or maybe a Horcrux, I can't remember which.

It wasn't mentioned at the time, because everyone simply laughed at the poor kid and stuck the vial away in a cabinet, not to be unearthed again a post-final exam Potionsfight, when Clumsy Kid grabs it from the cabinet in an attempt to defend himself from an unwarranted attack by Pansy (who has had a crush on him all along, but was embarassed to admit it).

Anyway, Clumsy Kid slips in a puddle and winds up accidentally spilling it on Voldemort, who has coincidentally just entered the room in search of Harry. Voldemort is instantly stripped of his powers and turned into a house elf. Ironically, he will live out the rest of his days doing laundry and scrubbing out bathrooms at Hogwarts. Snape turns out to be a very nice guy who just has poor social skills and is kinda misunderstood. So, really, all's well that ends well.

By the way, I have it on good authority that in never-to-be-released book 8, Snape decides to go into acting and stars in at a film version of a Jane Austen book and other more modern romantic comedies. At the age of 21, Harry undergoes an operation-which-shall-not-be-named and becomes Harriet. Upon seeing Harr...iet in his new "incarnation," Hermione promptly decides to "bat for the other team" and summarily dumps Ron, who decides to join the priesthood.

As the result of his pivotal role in the events which turned Voldemort into a lowly house-elf, Clumsy Kid becomes a hero, is showered with riches by a grateful populace, and decides to buy both an oil well and a struggling baseball team. When those endeavors both fail, he turns to politics and is later elected to lead a very large industrialized nation. Fortunately, he does a better job of it than G.W. Bush.

Good night, and good reading.

::::: | July 20, 2007 5:38 PM

The She Monkey That Lives said:

You'd kill a she-monkey? I'm at page 453 homie. Where you at? Har har! Better pick up the pace!

::::: | July 22, 2007 12:30 PM

(won't be published)


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