I am lost, swirling adrift in a sea of me. It's not the waves that worry me. It's the tide.
Even if I can reclaim my sense of direction... even if I can row my way back to the shore... there is still the tide.
I've written this post seven different ways over the last two weeks but not finished it once. Eight was once my lucky number. Odd that a man who often has so much luck doesn't believe in it.
I can't believe in it.
Some see luck as hope. Even if they fail, there's a chance they'll get lucky and somehow it'll all work out, regardless of how much they may have fucked 'it' up. Again.
Again is the reason I can't believe in luck. Again is the reason I can't rely on hope. Those who don't learn from their mistakes are doomed to repeat them. Again. Luck and hope are not strategies for avoiding that.
All in all, my life has been pretty good. Damn good, in fact.
I've suffered excruciating lows - lower than most will ever know... but that's the thing. There's always someone who's lows are lower, thus rendering mine high by comparison.
I've enjoyed amazing highs, and my highs outweigh my lows by an immeasurable volume.
I've lived in and traveled to fantastic foreign places. I've loved and been loved by a few fantastic women. I've accomplished great things in my career.
...my previous career.
I'm writing in the past tense for a reason. It's not that my present is bad. It's just dull by comparison. And no amount of hope or luck will change my present - or my future, for that matter.
All in all, my life has been pretty good. Damn good, in fact. But right now, it's boring, and I'm struggling as I search for a way to fix that.
Well, crap. I've written this post seven different ways over the last two weeks without finishing the thought, and on the eighth attempt, I got lost.
Ah, I reckon that you and I are swirling in the same sea of discontent. If you find a bit of inspiration floating by, do share...::::: | June 30, 2007 9:25 PM