With Great Power Comes Opportunity

Last Wednesday evening, I felt a little something.

It began with a "huh?" which led to some "whaa...?" and just a hint of "eh?" followed by a whole lot of "uh-oh."

Something in my body wasn't right.

Normally, all of my body parts get along quite well. If the bastards who make Lever 2000 are correct about the total number of parts I have, the vast majority of my parts are team players. I call them bastards because the length of my showers increased dramatically when I realized how many parts I'm supposed to bathe. TWO THOUSAND? Holy crap.

Keeping 2000 parts clean and happy takes some effort, but it's a small price to pay when you consider what happens when a few of the parts become ornery.

That's precisely what happened late Wednesday evening. With a simple *COUGH* it became instantly clear that the days of harmony among my 2000 parts had come to an end.


Oh shit.

"There's been a coup!" my brain said to my nose. "The throat has seized power!"

Nose: "Oh No He Dih-in't!"
Brain: "Oh yes he DID."
Ears: "What? I feel like I can't hear... everything's all clogged up."
Brain: "Shut up you! Can't you hear we're talking here?"
Ears: "Hey mouth... can you let out a nice big yawn? I need to clear things out up here. It feels kinda cobwebby."

Mouth: "COUGH!!!!!"

Ears: "Hey brain, I think I just heard another cough. Is something up?"
Brain: "You never fucking listen."
Nose: "I've got an idea! How's about a snotfest? Everybody loves a snotfest!"

For the next six days, the balance of power among my 2000 parts swayed between my throat and nose as my other 1998 parts simply gave up, leaving me a lifeless mess on the couch.


"...oh fuck you! Here comes another COUGH!!!!!!"

It was only when I stepped into the elevator to retrieve my mail this afternoon that I realized the great power I suddenly - and thankfully just temporarily - possess.

I may feel like crap...
I may be miserable...
...but I can sneeze.
...and I can cough.
Best of all: I Can Aim.

Damn right.

I'm not saying I'd stoop so low as to lick a doorknob or two... but if I'm going to sneeze anyway, why waste the opportunity to right a wrong?

Voted for Bush, did you?


A cold can be kind of like bowling, really. The trick isn't in the release. It's in the follow-through.


That's pretty much what I'm saying.

::::: | Wednesday, May 09 2007 at 2:21 PM
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