Bottom Of The Box

As I pulled the last tissue out of the box, I heard a gasp.

The gasp was faint, but it filled the otherwise bright afternoon with a dark horror nonetheless. What else could I do?

I laid the tissue on the counter and gave it a moment to prepare for its fate.

"This is day ten!" the tissue said. "Colds don't last ten days. How can you possibly still be sick?! HOW?!?"

"I think you're overreacting" I replied, but the tissue would hear none of it. "No, really... If I were you, I'd think of this as your moment to shine."

The tissue gasped again. "My moment to shine? TO SHINE? You want to fling mucus at me, and you think I should consider it a treat? ...a triumph? ...a moment of greatness?!? Let me tell you about greatness! I used to be a tree!"

Oh god. I could tell where this was going.

"That's right, mister. I used to be a tree. I used to stand tall in the middle of the forest, providing shelter for the birds and shade for the world below. And I was gonna to BE somebody. Part of a house maybe, or a bridge. Oh, I could have been a dock, spending my days lazily extended over the water. Or I could have been a boat. A life of exploration and excitement could have awaited me, but no... I became a goddamn store-brand generic 2-ply liquid-bugger-catcher."

An awkward silence followed.

"Are you done?" I asked.

"Oh, I was done the moment I landed at the bottom of a box of Safeway Softies."


The lesson to be learned here is this: never try to reason with a tissue. In fact, I wouldn't try it with any disposable paper products, frankly. They're all drama queens. Paper towels, napkins, tissues... don't even get me started on toilet paper.

Drama. Fucking. Queens.

I am, however, a reasonable man. I made the tissue a proposition.

"OK... I have an idea. You said you could have been a boat, right? How about this: catch all of my snot - BOTH nostrils' worth - and I'll drop you in the toilet instead of the trash. With a flush, you'll find yourself in a raging river. I'm talking about pure excitement here. It'll be better than a water-slide. Trust me, it'll kick ass."

And with that, we had a deal.

::::: | Friday, May 11 2007 at 12:27 PM
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