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The Balance Sheet Of Life
There comes a point when you've got to look at your life as a giant balance sheet... the goods and the bads... does it at least balance out? Is it too lopsided?
Turning 30 was a shock to me. Oh, the age felt fine... I didn't feel old or bothered by no longer being in my 20's - but my life was a mess. I was dating someone who fought for a living, so of course she'd rip me apart as a way of blowing off steam.
Great.
On my 31'st birthday, I remember getting a brownie with a candle after dinner... My then girlfriend says the classic "make a wish and blow out the candle." I looked at the candle and thought "I want a new start by October. I want to be gone - away from Dallas... away from all of this." I have no idea why I chose October (my birthday is in late May). Maybe I just needed a timeline. Who knows.
I don't know if I'd ever really made a birthday wish before. The idea seems so silly and unrealistic. But this time, I did. Over the next few weeks, I thought back on that moment and realized that change won't come if I don't cause it.
The moment you realize that to be true, you're screwed because there's no going back. My miserable life was going to stay miserable unless I did something to change it. The more I thought about it, the less I was willing to tolerate my unhappy life anymore. I guess it was a case of admitting the problem as a way of taking the first step towards fixing it.
Six weeks had passed since my birthday wish, and though I'd given it thought almost every single day, I'd taken no real steps towards achieving it - thus, the lack of accomplishment was truly mine. And as I sat on my bed, feeling particularly pathetic for no particular reason, my girlfriend called to pick a fight.
I knew it was over... just as I'd known for some time. But this time, I ended it. The fight. The relationship. My time in Dallas. I ended it all.
Four weeks later, I was on a plane bound for a new life here in Portland.
* * * * * * * * * * *
Time is a fascinating thing.
I wouldn't go back and undo any of those years even if I could. But I would choose to have been this current version of myself the whole time. The current me is kinder. He is smarter. He knows better though he doesn't have all of the answers - not by a long shot.
The current me would have moved on so much sooner, and that would have undone so many of the mistakes I'd made. But then again, how could I have become the man I am today without going through those experiences - the good and the bad?
The current me still has a long way to go.
I wonder who I'll be ten years from now? What will I then think of the man I am today? What mistakes from years to come will I stupidly suggest I wouldn't love the opportunity to undo if only I could?
::::: | Filed under: one from the archives
::::: | Posted Saturday, Oct 07 2006 at 12:45 PM
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