It Makes Me Feel Like Less Of A Man

My credit card of choice is my Discover card. They have a points system that adds up pretty fast. Once every year or so, I rack up enough points to cash in for stuff... and, being that I have a penis, I get sucked in to typical guy blunders.

Blunder #1. More = Better.

Why would I cash in my points for a $50 gift certificate to Borders when I can get $80 at Sharper Image? In other words, why broaden my horizons with knowledge and music when I can buy buuuuuuuullshit.

That's solid reasoning, eh? Well, two months later, I'm still trying to spend use that gift card, but I can't find anything decent to buy. And this makes me question my manhood - which brings me to typical guy blunder number two.

Blunder #2. Gadgets = Cool.

Eighty bucks at Bed Bath And Beyond? This I could use. Eighty bucks at Sharper Image? Two months after getting the gift card in the mail, I'm still trying to figure out what to do with it.

I tried buying a pair of binoculars to spy on people across the street enjoy the fall foliage from a distance, but I returned them because they were poorly made and nearly unusable. I then bought a universal remote... which I returned because it was poorly designed and nearly unusable. I'm not saying everything Sharper Image sells is crap. Two years ago, I bought a fantastic Cuisanart coffee maker there (using an $80 gift card from Discover). But this year, I can't find anything worth buying. Ugh!

What kind of man can't spend $80 at Sharper Image? Especially when the $80 is free!

Crazy. I know.

The company that owns Sharper Image needs to pair up with the company that owns the Gap. Specifically, Baby Gap.

First, there's the fact that men instinctively know we don't belong in Baby Gap without a female companion. Baby Gap is even more off limits to a guy than Victoria's Secret - which is ironic, being that shopping at Victoria's Secret leads to shopping at Baby Gap. But if the store was Sharper Baby Image Gap, men wouldn't have to feel creepy about shopping there without a female guide.

Even more important to the Sharper Baby Image Gap business model is that it's a perfect pairing of demographics and psychographics. Young mothers can go into the Baby Gap side of the store to spend forty bucks on a hat not much larger than the size of a condom that could have prevented the situation, while the young father wastes a hundred bucks on a gadget that even MacGuyver would have mocked.

Best of all, consider the products these two stores could sell if they became one. What parent hasn't longed for an Ionic Breeze Diaper Hamper? Or a Turbo-Powered Breast-Pump? You know they'd sell some sort of Bluetooth Baby Bootie iPod Dock. Or how about a car-seat with noise cancellation technology? That'd be sweet!

::::: | Tuesday, Oct 10 2006 at 12:18 AM
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Lil said:

Most items in baby stores are overpriced and overrated. Nobody actually NEEDS most of that stuff to raise a happy, healthy child -- but society has programmed most of the sheep who make up middle class America these days to believe that gadgets=good (it's not just guys, trust me!). And, quite sadly, most of the children of that type of consumer grow up thinking that material items equal love.

::::: | October 10, 2006 6:36 PM

Hydra said:

I hate to admit that I "accidently" went into a Baby Gap or something similar in search of a baby gift. Looked around for about 5 minutes and thought that anyone that buys that crap is insane to spend that much on something that kid is going to wear for about 1 month. I gave a much more practical gift of paying toward their diaper service. Everyone is much happier.

::::: | October 10, 2006 10:23 PM

Hydra said:

PS: Oh yeah, and Rob, Borders is always a safe, gender-neutral, non-manpower-taking-away alternative to the other choices offered by Discover. It's no Powells, but it's "free."

::::: | October 11, 2006 8:34 PM

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