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Tired

I'll be fine tomorrow, but tonight, I'm not.

Tonight, I'm tired.

Of...

...being me.

And I'm mad at a few of my friends for not having noticed when they damn well should have.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

It was supposed to be a dinner for two. Jessie and me. We've been doing this weekly for nearly three years. But then two became three as our friend Sara joined us, and three became four when Sara invited a friend of hers.

The four of us were waiting for a booth at a sushi bar.

At this particular sushi bar, the sushi sits on small plates that ride a conveyor belt around the restaurant. We call it "Sushi Go-Round." The plates come in one of five colors, which correspond with prices posted on the far wall.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

As the four of us waited to be seated in a booth for dinner, I mentioned wanting to sit on the inside, joking about preferring a window seat rather than an isle. Being that I've known two of these women for years, and since I looked them clearly in the eyes as I said it, I hoped they would understand - but I should have known better.

My friends were watching the back corner, where they saw a booth coming open. As a waiter came to tell us our booth was ready, they were a step ahead of me in getting to it. Two of the women filed in to the booth to sit, each taking an inside seat.

"Hey Sara, mind if I swap you for the inside?"

She looked at me and said something to the effect of "Huh? Why? Just grab a seat."

* * * * * * * * * * * *

Here's the thing. I'm thirty five fucking years old, but I still haven't figured this shit out.

Do I announce to the world that I'm too fucking blind to see the sushi if I'm not seated next to it, or do I just fake it? Well, I'm growing tired of faking it in front of people who supposedly know me best. It would be one thing to explain the problem in front of my two friends, but one of them invited someone new to join us.

So - my options were: introduce myself to this new person by being the blind guy at the table, or go hungry.

The last time I was with two of these women and got seated on the outside, I didn't eat. I ordered a beer and made up an excuse about having had a late lunch... and then I picked up dinner on the way home. It felt less humiliating that way, especially since I'd already been running late that night. They lived near the sushi place but it was a half our walk for me, and asking for a ride proved inconvenient for them.

I pay so much attention to the subtleties of other people's needs. I sometimes find myself shocked when those who know me best fail to return the favor.

Other times, I don't find myself shocked at all.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

In 2001, my as-of-then not yet ex-girlfriend took me to a movie with subtitles. Come on. We'd been dating over a year by that point. Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon my ass. It was more like Ignorant Girlfriend, Hidden English. I should have dumped her there and then. Instead, I pretended to pay attention to the movie so I wouldn't fall asleep, because I didn't want to ruin her evening.

These things piss me off in a way I can't even begin to explain. I'm not even sure why I write these thoughts out, because I don't expect you to understand.

When people who've known me for years make comments like "the blind leading the blind," you're damn right I feel offended.

I. Am. The. Blind.

And I'm tired.

Luckily, I am resilient.

I will be fine tomorrow.

Now, I'm going to bed.

::::: | Tuesday, Sep 05 2006 at 11:56 PM
::::: |


Comments:


chantel said:

I had a bad day yesterday too.
Sorry!

::::: | September 6, 2006 9:48 AM


Anonymous said:

It's a blessing and a curse to not be known as "the blind guy." Sometimes you want them to remember, but sometimes you don't. It's best to take it as a compliment that they "forget." I'd think that a quick, casual "I can't see the food that well when I'm on the outside" would work ok.

Either way, it's ok to be bothered by it. I understand.

::::: | September 6, 2006 6:35 PM


Mari said:

Looks like bad days are the thing this week... Mine was work related, so I suppose I am luckier...

Funny thing is, when we go to the sushi-go-round places and I am on the inside, I always ask the folks on the outside what they want so they don't have to reach across... Or the folks on the outside of the table say "Hey, if you see a , grab one for me." None of this fixes the actual problem, but it fixes the symptom and makes sure you don't go home hungry...

I want to go have sushi with you sometime -- That would make my bad week better...

:)

::::: | September 8, 2006 10:25 AM




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