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Jesus!

It's The Most Wrong Thing I've Seen In A While!

...ok, not really... I mean, it's not as wrong as, say, a "compassionate" conservative sending poor kids to die in a war over WMDs (oops) 911 (oops again, Saddam had nothing to do with that one) the war on terror (oops, we took our eye off the ball by focusing on Iraq) the fact that Saddam was in cahoots with Osama (Oops! Where is Osama anyway?) Saddam seeking Uranium in Niger (oops... that never happened) oil (us? never!) the spreading of democracy (you mean "Nation-Building?" The thing Republicans blamed Clinton of doing in Bosnia? I don't remember that one coming up when Colin Powel made the case for war at the U... Wait - why are we in Ira... oh, never-mind.)

Alright, so this might not be the most wrong thing I've ever seen, but it's still pretty damn wrong. And yet, it makes me giggle.

Some guy is selling the following T-shirt online:

Jesus Hates You

Need one for your very own? It's available here.

HHhmmmmm...

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

Here's the thing about religion that cracks me up. Believing is about having faith, right?

Well then, explain to me how Christians assume Jesus hasn't already come back? How do we know that Jesus isn't walking amongst us today?

Think about it. If a guy walked up to Pat Robertson and said "Hello, I am Jesus" Pat would think he's nuts, right? But if the guy has to prove he is who he says he is, doesn't that defeat the very foundation of belief?

"Sure you're the son of God. Burn a bush, muthafukka!"

Jesus is probably living it up in Lake Tahoe with Elvis and Ken Lay. Why is it so easy to believe he isn't?

Here's a list of people who claim to be Jesus. We assume they're all wack-jobs, right? How do we know that not a single one of them is telling the truth?

I took a trip over to myspace and found even more Jesuses! 47406, to be precise.

Hello myspace!

Hello Jesuses!

How do we KNOW that Jesus didn't come back? How do we know Jesus isn't currently 31 years old and living in San Jose?

This sure looks like Jesus to me. After all, Jesus is white - just like me - right?

Hello Jesus!

Note that Jesus is here for dating. I bet dating is a lot easier when you're the fucking son of god! That's gotta be sweet. Mary may have been a virgin, but Jesus? I bet he got plenty.

Maybe THIS is Jesus... Maybe Jesus is 43 and living in Lakewood, Washington. It could happen.

Hello Jesus!!!

And look at this! I found another 1302 Jesuses on Friendster!

By the way, how does one pluralize the son of God? Is it "Jesuses?" "Jesusi?" Or is Jesus like sheep? No matter how many you've got, is it still just "Jesus"?

Jesus, this is confusing!

Hello Friendster Jesuses!!!!!!

How do we know that not one of the 48,729 Jesuses on Myspace, Friendster, and that list I cited above isn't the real deal? You've gotta have faith, right? Funny how, for people who base their lives on belief, it sure is easy to not believe.

...I'm just sayin'.

Just to be on the safe side... even though I'm an atheist, I'm tempted to go to myspace and add every guy named Jesus as a friend so that when someone comes to my profile, they see that "Rob has 1042 friends" and they're all Jesus!

...and maybe I'll start with this one.

Hallo Jeysus!

Thank fucking GOD! Jesus is in my extended network! But what's this? Jesus has no friends?

Sniff sniff... I smell opportunity for eternal salvation, I tell you what! I'll be Jesus's first friend! There's even arrows drawn straight from me to Jesus. SWEET!

No friends?

Who needs a bible when you've got updated info like this?

"Would I like to know more about Jesus?" Why, yes! Yes, I would!

more about Jesus

Wow. Jesus is pretty lame.

more about Jesus

No. I'm sorry, but Jesus is too cool for a tech support gig.

more about Jesus

Jesus is an Airborn Ranger in the U.S. Army, special forces? Damn! That's more like it! I hope we didn't ship his ass to Iraq.

Yeah, yeah yeah... I'm gonna burn in hell, but I'm bringing marshmallows and two flame-retardant jackets. That's right - I said TWO! Imagine how popular I'll be!

"Is it hot in here, or is it just me?"

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

Disclaimer: My dear friend Erica has already called first dibs on my extra flame-retardant jacket - but that's going by the assumption that she will burn in hell too, which I seriously doubt. Still, if you've earned eternal damnation and you hunt me down for my spare, don't get all pissy if it's gone.

Would it be too disturbing if I were to specify in my will that I want my coffin wrapped in tin-foil and filled with Orville Redenbacher's finest?

That would kick ass!

::::: | Tuesday, Aug 29 2006 at 12:00 AM
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Comments:


chantel said:

Oh my, now I want to add all the Jesus' to my friends list too! It just seems cooler and more creative than having "The Devil" as your friend. Or maybe in my case its just a given.

Hilarious!!

::::: | August 29, 2006 11:02 AM


Me! said:

It'd be even funnier to add four "Christs" as friends too, that way, your top eight would read:

Jesus. Christ. Jesus. Christ.

Jesus. Christ. Jesus. Christ.

::::: | August 29, 2006 11:09 AM


Roscoe said:

As a fellow atheist, I'm curious if you sing the "Name Game" in the shower using Jesus's name. And, I wonder if you know all the verses to "I Don't Care If It Rains Or Freezes." Have you speculated about what the 'H' stands for in Jesus H. Christ? Yes, I know these are terribly personal questions, but I'm always looking for answers.

::::: | August 30, 2006 6:24 AM


Gretchen said:

When I was in Jr. High we had a song dedications section in our school newspaper. Each week someone would dedicate the song "I honestly love you" to Jesus. I thought she was a religious fanatic. Years later I realized that Jesus is a fairly popular hispanic male name (pronounced Hey Zeus), and it was a dedication to a guy in our class.

I'm pretty sure that is Jesus was walking around in 2006, he'd be out there sticking up for the outcasts of society - just like back in the old days - and the neo-cons would sound off on their talk shows condemning him with all the vitrol they can muster. History has a way of repeating itself.

::::: | September 2, 2006 5:30 AM


Jay said:

HAHAHA! I just found this post. There are over 5000 Jesuses on myspace now! They're multiplying!

::::: | August 9, 2007 1:47 PM


Michelle said:

Facebook won't show exactly how many Jesuses there are but it says there are over 500 in Portland alone. Jesus, that's a lot of Jesuses!

::::: | December 8, 2008 2:12 PM




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