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Who? No, Really. I Want Names

Who are the suckers who can't recognize a piece of spam email for what it is?

"Huh? What's this? Someone I've never heard of has a hot Hot HOT stock tip, just for me? I better jump on that shit and buy, Buy, BUY!!!"

Who does this? I want to know.

"Oh-oh! This email says I'm not shooting enough sperm to really please her. Thank fucking GOD there's a new miracle breakthrough called Spur-M that's scientifically engineered to quadruple my load!"

Tell me. Who believes this? Obviously someone does, because spammers wouldn't be getting rich if they weren't generating sales. Finding the spammers has proven ineffective. But - again - there would be no spammers if their tactic wasn't effective. So, who falls for it?

Tell me who dammit.

I. Want. Names.

And addresses too.

Don't just say 'the elderly' or 'the naive.' I want specifics. We need to know who these idiots are so we can send people over to shake some sense into them.

The latest piece of Viagra spam is just over the top. It's got a slogan that's a real groaner (pardon the pun): The ad shows a couple about to have sex, and, presumably, the woman says "Take the plue pill... and I show you how far the rabbit hole goes."

Ohhhhh geeeeeeezzzz.

Spammers sure are quick to hop on current trends. "Hello, 1999? Is that you? Great... I think I found your punch-line..."

I assume Viagra spam will be laced with DaVinci Code jokes cum 2012. (Did you spot the atrocious pun? I'll apologize for that one right now)

...or maybe, by 2014 they'll have moved on to Hairy Potter jokes (misspelling intended - and here's another apology for yet another particularly bad pun. Really, I'm sorry.)

It's important to remember that there would be none of this sort of spam if the tactic didn't generate sales.

Want an advanced university degree overnight?
"Heck yeah!"

Want to produce four times more semen?
"Who doesn't!"

Want to drop 65 pounds in 45 minutes?
"I only weigh 150, but why not!"

Want to help Zulu Zanschisi Zanzabeed The Third access the millions of dollars stashed in his secret bank account? He's assured me that YOU are the only one who can!
"Well sign me up cuz I'm here to help!!!!"

Come on now.

People are replying to this stuff!
People are buying this stuff!
People really do believe that a man in Zimbabwe has a bank account in the U.S. loaded with cash that he can't access without their help.

People are really fucking stupid.

I want names. And I want them now.

::::: | Tuesday, May 09 2006 at 1:33 PM
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Comments:


Roscoe said:

I think this phenomenon is like the guy selling tomatoes for ten thousand dollars each. He doesn't need to sell too many to make a profit. (Your next to last sentence says it all.)

::::: | May 10, 2006 6:53 AM


Christie said:

Never make apologies for bad puns; they are the glue that holds the universe together.

::::: | May 10, 2006 11:48 PM




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