It's Not You, It's... Well, OK. It's You

Dear Duncan;

When we first met three years ago, you were cute. You, with your little leaves and little pot in which you fit so snugly. You were quite the looker back then. Your leaves were dark green with lighter green markings towards the center. You had a total of maybe six or seven of them.

Oh, what promise our relationship had!

As you sat perched atop my CD rack, I watched you watching me. Your genuine interest in my day to day life led me to believe that, although you were the silent type, you truly cared.

You played it cool for so long. I did the talking and you listened so intently. I really honestly believed that you just might understand me better than anyone ever had.

I believed that you loved me.

I poured my heart out to you! I gave you all I had to give - which, in your case was really just water and a bigger pot. But I gave you water dammit! Every ten days, like clockwork! And I gave you a bigger pot too. And what did I do when you out-grew the bigger pot? That's right... I gave you a pot that was even bigger still. And it was prettier too.

And another thing... I know you're not the coolest of plants, but I managed to look past that. You never had any friends of your own over, but I made sure you were included in whatever my friends and I were doing. And, since I didn't want you to be lonely, I went so far as to give you friends of your own. OK, it was really a re-potting mishap during which you became three separate plants... but I repotted all three of you in a brand new pot so you'd always have each other.

I gave because I cared.

I loved you.

But then, one day, I began to realize that maybe you weren't playing it cool after all. In fact, you overgrown green moldy-potted crusty-soiled son of a bitch, I realized that you've been ignoring me all this time.

YOU - BASTARD - !!!!

Well listen up buddy old pal... I hope you enjoy your new view from the kitchen shelf, because that's as good as it gets for now on.

Hmmm...? What's that? You want to know what happened to your old perch in the living room atop the CD rack? The spot with a view of the rest of the loft not to mention a clear view down Columbia Avenue?

I'm glad you asked.

There's a younger, newer, and dare I say, sexier plant there now.

His name is Burton, and he's a Bromeliad.

Oh, and by the way... Burton laughs at my jokes. He says I'm Heeee-larious!

So there.

::::: | Thursday, Mar 09 2006 at 12:04 AM
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Roscoe said:

There might be a novel in there somewhere: "When Good Plants Go Bad"

::::: | March 9, 2006 6:41 AM

Mari said:

You better watch out with Burton... I have heard that Bromeliad can be as two-faced as a Croton or worse -- a Peace Lily.

That's why I don't have any houseplants... they all wilt under the bitter scrutiny of my all-knowing eyes...


::::: | March 9, 2006 12:02 PM

Me! said:

No no no, see, you don't understand at all.

Burton LOVES me! We were meant to be together. I know I've said this about plants before, but this time, it's different. This time, it's gonna last. This time it's for real.

We're soul mates.

I can feel it.

If you only knew Burton better, you'd understand.

::::: | March 9, 2006 12:09 PM

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