It's A Sham

Dear Penis;

You and I have been good friends. Really, we have.

For the longest time, I could look at you and think "we make a good team." I mean, let's face it. Length wise, you're good. Shape and such... well, I've never inspected other penises (peni?), but I've never heard a disparaging remark at your expense. And you're good to go on a moment's notice - multiple times I might add... One woman was so surprised by your readiness that she asked "is that normal for you?"

I bet you missed her as much as I did. Three or four times a night sure was normal when we were with her. You have good taste, by the way.

And that brings us to our current predicament. I have good taste too - but you and my good taste are creating a conflict.

You've probably noticed some changes around the loft. A few new pieces of furniture, for examp... Hmm? Oh, right. Well, if your view wasn't blocked by boxers and jeans, you'd have noticed that the loveseat isn't the same one from the last loft.

WHAT?!? You didn't realize we moved? Yeah! Like, three months ago! Where've you been? Oh, right... the boxers. Geez, you need to get out more.

Anyway - getting back to the issue at hand: I got a new loveseat, and it's really nice. And I bought a new bookcase to replace the crappy white cubes I'd been using as shelving. And I hung my art. I even bought new cloth napkins for the table.

The place is really coming along nicely. It would be damn near perfect if I could just find some snazzy bedding.

But they don't make bedding for people with penises.

Hey, don't look at me like that. It's true.

They make comforters with flowers and soft colors, and polka-fucking-dots and more flowers... and patterns for people who are old and have abandoned all hope of ever getting laid again.

Do you even know what a sham is? What about a coverlet? Hhmmmm????

Bedding has become a new form of birth control. What woman in her right mind would fuck a guy whose bed looks like this?

Or this:

Or any of these...

Penises and linens don't mix. It took me thirty four years to understand why a woman can walk into French Quarter Linens and be left alone to casually browse, but I immediately get a "can I help you?" It's because they've installed a silent alarm that trips whenever a penis enters the store. They assume we're there to either make a delivery or rob the joint.

I'm about ready to give up.

All I want is some moderately masculine bedding... shades of gray would be nice. Or maybe something beige-ish-gold with occasional black pin stripe maybe? Maybe?

Is that really so much to ask!

49% of the population in the United States is male.

Where the hell do these guys go to buy bedding? And why does every bedding set include a pair of shams! I've never once seen shams on a guy's bed unless his girlfriend put them there. I don't understand.

I also fail to understand how having a vagina equals a bedding bonanza of options galore.

All I know is, dear penis, if I have to choose between keeping you or having bedding options, I guess I'll opt to pee standing up. But I may occasionally resent that I had to make the choice.

::::: | Tuesday, Jan 24 2006 at 11:02 PM
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Amber said:

Not being especially enamored of flowers and polka dots and frilly shams in shades of lavender, I usually just go with the basic black sheets. I used to get those wonderful slippery satin sheets that feel so nice and smooth, but 1) they fall apart if you do anything mildly athletic and 2) the pillows tend to slip right off the sheet.

If prints you must, I like to go to bed bath and beyond. I rather like the "Tuscan Sun" sheets, but then again I'm a sucker for stripes.

::::: | January 25, 2006 8:33 AM

Mari said:

Now, see, I don't think you are trying hard enough -- I went to Bed Bath and Beyond's website and found several manly selections... I even made a special album in my gallery for you *grin* I labeled my favorite for your convenience :)



PS - the plural for penis is "penii" I think *grin*

::::: | January 25, 2006 9:57 AM

Me! said:

Believe it or not, most of those are dry clean only.

Dry clean only? Bedding? WTF??

I liked the second gray one you found. I found those too and was shocked by the dry clean thing.

::::: | January 25, 2006 10:07 AM

Mari said:

Confession time: I have never noticed whether my stuff is machine washable or not -- I just throw them in the washer anyhow... that might explain a lot about the state of my bedding *laugh*

I am glad to see that the set I liked best is machine washable :D I tried to help -- Hopefully you find the bedding of your dreams without giving up the penis :)

::::: | January 25, 2006 10:28 AM

Me! said:

Confession time here too... I'm turning into a bit more of a primadona than I should admit to. I'm looking more at duvets than comforters, and I'm really trying to find something that makes my bed pop! I want something that would make a woman think "damn, he's got style", or something like that. Small-penised men compensate for their lack of length by buying Hummers. I guess I'm compensating for lack of loft-length (and width) with furniture.

My loft is right around 500 square feet, and I freaking LOVE it! But I'd rather someone walk in and think "damn, this place is hip!" rather than "damn, this place is small."

::::: | January 25, 2006 10:37 AM

rats! said:

One word:


Style. Beauty. What more does one man need?

::::: | January 25, 2006 2:04 PM

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