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One Side Of A Conversation With God

Hey God, it's me, # 642,746,245,532,468,224,532,567,431.

Hmm? Oh, that. Well, I know you gave up keeping track of us individually once we passed the billion mark down here, and y'know, I don't blame you.

HEY! What do you mean you can't find my number? Ha ha, very funny. No, really... You should do stand-up.

Huh? Oh - yeah that big wave last month was kind of mean. We call it a tsunami.

WHAT?!? ...answering a surfer's prayer? ...a little overboard? Ya' THINK? Damn!

Sorry... I know, I know, I shouldn't curse so oft...

Whaa?

I'm supposed to say "Jesus?"

Oh, right... THAT. I gave up on my whole Jesus Year thing. I forgot about it after a few days. Old dog, new tricks, blah blah blah.

Speaking of my birthday... thanks for the card. I'm sure it just got lost in the mail or something, eh?

It's because I'm an atheist, isn't it?

Figures.

Hmm? No no no, I wouldn't have sent me a card either if I were you.

So anyway, I wanted to talk to you about something.

OK... Well... here's the thing... Your believers down here are making you look like an idiot.

No, not all of them, but way too many.

Do me a favor and start up your computer... I want to forward you some of the religious spam I get every day.

Cool! I should have figured you use a Mac. Me too!

Oh, right... you knew that.

So anyway, what's your address?

Mmhmm... God at you're gonna burn in hell dot com? Dude that's not funny. Seriously, what's the address?

Great. Hang on, I'm forwarding you a few things...

Got 'em? OK, I'll give you a minute to read.

[......fingers tap... tap ...tap... tap ...tap...]

I KNOW!!!!

It IS pretty stupid, isn't it? Hey buddy, don't forget, these people supposedly represent YOU. They're forwarding that crap in YOUR NAME.

Yeah, I get sent this stuff all the time.

I KNOW!!!! None of that religious spam is the least bit sincere. Talk about Cut & Paste Christianity!

I've been literally begging one person in particular to stop forwarding that crap to me.

Of course not... I got another one just the other night - but now, instead of forwarding stuff, he changes the subject lines to make it look like he's NOT sending more spam.

I know it only makes him look dumb, but... well... *YOU* know. Some people...

Right.

EXACTLY!

Did you like the part of the email about forwarding it to at least ten people? And the cheesy poem? And the scrolling! What the fuck is up with the scrolling?

Hmm?

I don't know how that evolved into a bad word either. With the younger half of us down here, it's not really a bad word... it's kind of like an explanation point. I mean, really, what did 'HECK' mean? We use it kind of like that.

Oh.

No, no... I understand - you've got a busy schedule. I had to get going too.

OK, well maybe I didn't have to get going... I was being POLITE.

Oh, no, no offense taken.

Thanks! You have a good evening too! OH - And don't forget to talk to some of your 'people' down here. Seriously, they're making you look like an idiot, and you shouldn't have to put up with that.

::::: | Monday, Jan 24 2005 at 3:10 PM
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