My Cats Think I'm An Idiot

I see them look at me and stare as if I have no clue they question my intellect. And thus, we find ourselves locked into some sort of Mexican standoff - which, by the way, is a term I've never understood. I've lived in a part of the country that had a high percentage of Mexicans, and never once did any of them stand off.

I've seen many a Conservative standoff. Well, in truth, it's usually a conservative sit-off, occurring when two SUV driving can't walk more than three car lengths to reach the entrance of a strip-mall megastore sons of bitches line up on opposite sides of a soon to be available parking spot waiting to see which one of them will get there first. Regardless of whom wins the spot, they're both still losers.

But that's really not where I'm going with this.

My cats think I'm an idiot. Rants like the above would only lend credit to their theory (not that I'm wrong about the parking lot vultures thing).

Cats have no reason to concern themselves with such matters. "Was the SUV parked on your favorite side of the couch?" That's the sort of question Simon would ask at the end of a rant like that - IF HE SPOKE ENGLISH.

Trust me: he doesn't.

I'm fine with the fact that my boys don't speak English. They are, after all, cats.

"How's your day going Tucker?" I ask as he looks back at me with an empty stare that says "Why do you bother?" Like I said - he doesn't reply because he can't speak the language, and I accept that.

What I have trouble accepting is that, after ten years, he still doesn't UNDERSTAND English. At first I assumed my cat was a humorless bastard, but I've become relatively certain the issue runs deeper than that. I believe there is a clear lack of any comprehension whatsoever.

"Why must you puke on the rug Tucker? All the cool cats puke on linoleum... and look what we have over there - in the kitchen... It's LINOLEUM, just begging to be vomited upon."

Tucker looks at me with an empty stare as I say this. OK, to be fair, he only owns one facial expression... but still.


In time, I can learn to accept - based on 'logic' that eludes me - that Tucker and Simon are never going to understand English, let alone speak it.


For me, the real issue is that I'm beginning to suspect they think less of me because *I* don't understand what THEY say. Worst of all, when I consider this from their point of view, I fear they might be right.

Their language has really only got four words:

  1. Meow.

  2. Mah-WOW.

  3. Maowwww.

  4. Mew?
Note that that last one appears to be a question, though I think it is not. Then again, maybe it is... I guess I should ask.

::::: | Tuesday, Jan 11 2005 at 12:39 AM
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