Nickames, Putt Putt, And Talk Talk

I hate having a face to match to the pain when a friend's heart gets broken, so I put off meeting their new love interests as long as possible.

Often, heartbreak isn't so much about the person lost as it is about the feeling of failure and loss in general, or the dashed hopes of what could have been even when it was clear to the rest of us that it wouldn't have been.

"I didn't know..." a friend said to me about her lost love as I did my best to avoid playing the part of Captain Obvious. From the first moment I met the guy in question, I spotted a quack.

He looked like a duck,
...walked like a duck,
...talked like a duck,
...dunked his head under the water's surface and came up with a fucking nightcrawler, just like a duck...
Guess what I thought he was?

I don't even like referring to a friend's new love interest by name until the relationship becomes stable, so I make up nicknames for their dates.

'Mattress' was the guy who met H. while she was shopping for a new mattress.
'Voicemail' was some nutter who'd leave her long rambling phone messages laced with heavy sighs.
My favorite nickname for someone's significant other was 'Hair'.

'Hair' was a guy my friend PCJ really liked. They'd just started dating and she didn't want to jinx it by talking about him too much. The only thing she'd tell me is that he had unique hair - thus, 'Hair' he became. That turned out to be rather ironic nickname however. After a few weeks of me calling her boyfriend 'Hair', she could stand it no longer.

"Rob," she said, "his name is Harrison."

Oops.   :)   Who knew?

Hair needed no nickname because he was a keeper, but Ed was something else entirely.

It was a warm autumn evening in 2002. An old friend called in hopes of finding something fun to do. I suggested miniature golf, thinking that would help get her mind off of what's-his-name... and when that failed, while surrounded by families with young children on a putt-putt course, she and I lunged into a conversation about her previous evening in graphic detail.

She: "We got to the point where things should have been happening, but they weren't."
Me: "...because...."
She: "I don't think he was interested. Well, it's not like he wasn't interested... just that part of him wasn't interested."
Me: "Uh-oh" [looking at line forming behind us as we waited for the family ahead to finish on the 3th hole] "I'm not sure I know what you mean."
She: "Have you ever not been able to get it up?"

And with that, the family of five let us pass to the 4th hole rather than wait for them. A good call on their part. On the 5th hole, with that family at a comfortable distance, we continued - in code.

Me: "Let's try this again... You're saying his building's got an elevator problem, right? You think it should go to a higher floor, but it's stuck in the lobby?"
She: "Well, not exactly. It, uhm, well... he can get it..."
Me: "The elevator?"
She: "Yeah. Well, it goes up a few floors, but then it comes back down."
Me: "Are we talking about a maintenance problem here? Was there a sign posted? 'Out Of Service' maybe?"
She: "I sure didn't see a sign."
Me: "Any chance the elevator had reached maximum capacity?"
She: "WHAT?!?"
Me: "Was this your first trip on his building's elevator, or..."
She: "ROB!!!"
Me: "No no no... I'm not saying the problem is you... just wondering if you'd seen this elevator in action, you know, to confirm that it works."
She: "It seemed to work when his cat stepped on."
Me: "Uh-oh."
She: "Well... while we were hanging out, his cat came along and curled up in his lap..."
Me: "Uh-OH!"
She: "Oh yeah. The elevator sure seemed to be in service then. But by the time he put down the cat, it was already headed back down to the lobby."

I never did find out his real name - not that I cared. She called him "Issue Boy", but I just thought of him as Ed.

Ed, as in 'Elevator Down'... or, (when not surrounded by young children on a putt putt course) 'Erectile Dysfunction'.

I think I'm done nicknaming people for a while. (until the next one comes along of course)

::::: | Thursday, Dec 30 2004 at 5:15 PM
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filmsnob said:

oooh! I love it! ok, i know this is really old and my commenting at this point is irrelevant, but I totally do the nickname thing (so much so that my friends have nicknamed me "nick". oh, the irony). Here are the obvious ones I have made up for my friends significant others:
"The Voice" (she is shrill, downright shrill), "Back-up Brett" (who only gets called when the A-list guys are scarce), "fuckwad" (my ex. for obvious reasons), and - i kid you not - Lynn, aka "Hair".

::::: | November 17, 2006 4:45 PM

Me! said:

Back-up Brett! HA! At first, I thought you were going to say "as-in, Brett better Back UP!"

I knew a Brett once who was kind of smelly. We didn't nickname him, but Back-up Brett would have worked there too.


::::: | November 17, 2006 4:49 PM

filmsnob said:

speaking of which - i know a guy from back in florida (he's in LA now) who's real name is Brett Love. He mumbles, so it sounds like he is introducing himself as "Butt Love". Guess what his nickname is? Mmmm hmmm - look him up on MySpace (display name "Butt Love"). I s'ppose it's even funnier that he is gay, so there is that double-meaning thing.....

::::: | November 17, 2006 5:03 PM

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