Straight Man Shopping

Any straight man knows that stores can be broken down into three categories:

#1. The places we go.
#2. The places women take us.
#3. The places we know we don't belong.

It's debatable, but the two stores I visited the other night hover between 2 and 3. It was a difficult evening of shopping, to say the least.

First stop: Illuminations.

I wanted to buy candles for a nice candlelight dinner. A man should be able to pull off a romantic dinner for a woman, should he not? I say, yes. How can it take a man 45 minutes to make a decision as simple as choosing candles for his dining-room table?

Three little candles.
Three little glasses to put them in.
Three little mirror coasters.
45 freaking minutes of indecision with three customers and one clerk helping me.

Second shopping stop: Aveda.

Did I even spell that right? A man knows he doesn't belong in a store when the name is only two syllables yet he can't spell it, or even pronounce it without having a flamboyantly gay man correct him. Is it "ah-VEE-dah" - or is it "a-VAY-duh"? I know, I know... You say toe-MAY-toe, and I say shut the hell up about vegetables.

All I wanted was a bottle of the shampoo I use. It's their rosemary mint. I got hooked on it while living in Dallas - because the shampoo gives a cold tingly feeling, and when it was 90+ degrees for months at a... wait a minute. Am I really discussing shampoo here? Screw that!

As I entered Aveda, a flamboyantly gay man rushed to greet me. It's as if an alarm goes off the moment a man enters this land of female serenity. Geez. It's just a penis people! I'm not going to whip it out...

Two things immediately come to mind as Mister Flamboyant approaches... Just because I'm stepping foot into an Aveda without a female escort doesn't mean I'm gay. And secondly, he doesn't have to look disappointed when he realizes I'm not. Sheeeesh!!! I'm still eye candy dammit!

"Are you shopping for yourself, or will someone else be using the product as well?"

He's fishin'.

I've got to give the man credit though - I was going to joke that customer sevice went to shit the moment I mentioned the word 'girlfriend', but truth be told, that's when he kicked it into overdrive.

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Oh god - he's pumping orange goo into his hand while asking: "So Rob, where do you normally shave?"

"Uhhh... Just my face."

The answer he was looking for: In the shower or over the sink. Oops.
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If I'm going to feel this awkward, I should at least get to see some women's underwear. Victoria's Secret needs to start selling my favorite shampoo... and candles... (What?!? They sell candles there? Woo-Hoo!!! Awkward shopping, here I come!)

::::: | Friday, Sep 10 2004 at 4:04 PM
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Tom said:

Hilarious post. I have gone to Aveda alone several times, though always to get gifts for someone else. I like the place, the service is good.

::::: | September 10, 2004 10:17 PM

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