Welcome to the 3'rd and final installment of The Handy Dandy Jalpuna Dating Guide For Women ["THDJDGFW"].
The basics of THDJDGFW are as follows:
It really is that simple. You [women] have them. We [men] can't resist them. Thus, you have near-super-human comic-book-esque powers over us all.
Due to the electro-magnetic ultra-gravitational powers your breasts have to draw men towards you, it's going to take every ounce of brain power you can muster to skillfully avoid such things as the unemotional-black-hole that is an empty hearted man. But you must.
Fear not my marvelously mountainously mammary-glanded friend! When it comes to dating, you have more power over us all than you'll ever realize. In FACT, by merely discussing such matters with you, I risk having my penis revoked. [tangent alert] Speaking of which - here's a tip for spotting one of the various Machismo-Enforcement-Vehicles: Have you ever wondered why some men drive sports cars or motorcycles that appear to have no mufflers at all? The growling sound you hear isn't a lack of a muffler. It's actually a Machismobile siren alerting all men to the fact that, somewhere, one of their kind has committed the heinous crime of explaining gender reality to a woman.
"And what IS gender reality Rob?"
I'm nervously glad you asked. Gender reality is that we can't resist you. Thus, you have the upper hand when it comes to anything involving one of us - including, but not limited to: dating, sex, relationships, auto-repair, computer repair, home repair, ok - pretty-much-any repair, and taxes*.
THDJDGFW Part 1 can be found here. [breasts]
THDJDGFW Part 2 is posted here. [brains]
THDJDGFW Part 3 - You Have The Upper Hand:
You do. It's true. When on a date, a woman always has the upper hand. He may want it, but she has it and he knows it. That's why he has to work it with everything he's got just to take a stab at measuring up.
Boy meets girl: girl has the upper hand. And I'll tell you why...
I make sure my cats are painfully aware of the reason they eat off the floor and poop in a box, whereas I have a tall table and porcelain toilet. It's the same reason I can open jars, use tools, and do the countless other things they cannot. It's also the reason I don't have to use my face to open a cupboard door.
I have thumbs.
Your feminine wiles are to dating what my thumbs are to my cats. My cats can sit on the floor and beg for food until the cows come home, but, unless they manage to sprout thumbs, they're pretty much fucked. I determine the outcome because I have the upper hand.
Similarly, picture yourself sitting across the table from a man during a date. Want him to pay for dinner? Your feminine wiles can make it happen. When the bill comes, LOOK AT IT - then look him square in the eyes, and, without ever taking your eyes off his, lick your lips - SLOWLY. Then, lick your finger, and - starting at the tip of your chin - run your finger slowly down your neck, continuing downward ever so slowly until you are pointing to the base of your cleavage.
Dinner is paid for. ...after he regains his composure and rediscovers his motor skills of course.
"But I Don't Want To Do That!!!!"
Don't worry - you don't have to. All you have to do is remember that your feminine wiles put you firmly in control of the date you're on as well as putting you in control of THE DATE YOU'RE WITH. You need only flex a little she-power to turn the tables on any given situation. One glance down at your breasts and you own that rat-bastard across the table.
Another effective way to instantly turn a grown man into your bitch:
- Wear a skirt
- Have a leg itch
- Hold your leg out enough that he can see you lift the skirt ever so slightly to run your fingernails across your skin. Lift it high enough that he can at least see slightly above the knee.
You own him.
See how much fun having the upper hand can be when it comes to dating?
It's worth noting, however, that when dating becomes a relationship, you lose the upper hand as you both become equal partners in building something real. But we're not talking about something real here... we're talking about dating.
Pottery Barn Sexuality
With great power comes great responsibility.
- You break it.
- You bought it.
Abuse of the power of your feminine wiles could easily leave you with a man you can't get rid of... but I'm just here to tell you how to get the guy, not how to get rid of him. On that point, I say that THIS guy has already said too much... I need to lock my windows and doors because I know there's a hell of a lot more to that "VROOOOM" sound coming down the street than a lack of a muffler.
P.S. If I were to have written "The Handy Dandy Jalpuna Relationship Guide For Women," I could sum it up in one sentence: "Love and be loved." Life's too short for anything less.