Dear Tech Support

Every now and then, I feel like Homer Simpson - but in 3D. Instead of a nuclear reactor who's meltdown could be mopped up with a cartoon squeegee, I sit here blundering my way through hard drives that may or may not have crapped out, and web design that just might have gone kablooey.

I'll deal with the hard drive internalthingamadoodad later.

Tonight's dilemma: Server Side Includes.

Before we dive into things like cgi-bins and shtml extensions - let's figure out which of two groups you fall into - oh beloved Jalpuna-dropper-by. [disclaimer: I'm not knocking you here... I appreciate every hit my site gets. If you spend the time to read what I have to say, you are a friend. PERIOD. "What if I think you're an idiot?" LIKE I HAVEN'T BEEN CALLED WORSE! ...You're still a friend.]

Back to the two groups thing: I say SSI & Perl, and you think either...

Let's tackle these one by one.

Let's be clear here. I don't know what I'm doing. I barely know what I'm doing when I know what I'm doing, so you can only imagine how much I don't know what I'm doing when I admit I don't know what I'm doing!

Know what I mean?

I'm a design guy, but I struggle with coding. I went to my hosting support manual online and started reading their info. It said: gobbledygook gobbledygoog, technojargon, gobbledygook!

Did that. Nothing happened. Called tech support only to find out they'd deleted the software that enabled what I'm trying to do a year or two ago. "Yeah that manual you're looking at? Yeah It's being rewritten. Yeah. Here's a new thing we've installed without any documentation. Yeah, and that's good because if we'd, y'know, given you instructions and stuff, yeah, you'd know it's really crap."

Craptacular in fact.

Dear Tech Support;

I have a simple request, and I'm quite certain I speak for computer users worldwide.

When I call and you know I'm fucked, why not just say it? Why put me on hold for five minutes so you can tell everyone else at your how-to-not-get-laid-tech-center how very fucked I am? Do you think I don't know what goes on when I'm on hold?


The conversation would go a little something like this:

You: "Sir...?"
Me: "Just call me Rob."
You: "OK. Rob...?"
Me: "Yes?"
You: "You're fucked."

I can respect an answer like that. I might not 'like' it, but I can respect it.

::::: | Thursday, Aug 05 2004 at 10:28 AM
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