T.H.D.J.D.G.F.W. [part 2]

"The Handy Dandy Jalpuna Dating Guide For Women" [THDJDGFW] was an idea born out of female frustration. It suddenly occurred to me one day that too many women don't understand the dating-process, and that I could possibly help.

For men, just getting a date is a 42 step process involving flirting, compliments, wit, cunning, intellect, research, and 36 other steps which, as a member of the male gender, I am not at liberty to share with the fairer sex for fear of having my penis revoked.

For women, getting a date is much simpler. All you need to do is find a man and say one single word. Beware that this word has several meanings. Also, sadly, sometimes it doesn't even matter if the man is single - if you mistakenly choose a bad man, uttering this word could still land you a date with him - so you have to be careful. And what is this magic word - the saying of which to a man will land you a date?

The word is "Hello."

The Handy Dandy Jalpuna Dating Guide For Women isn't about getting a date however. If it were, THDJDGFW would be one paragraph rather than a three part series. Instead, this guide exists to help women understand the dating process - including many tips you can only get from a man. Hey, I'm here to help.

A Recap:

Basically, THDJDGFW is broken down into three parts - the three things you, as a woman, need to know when it comes to dating a man.

In THDJDGFW part one, we discussed the beauty of your breasts and how they give you near-superhuman powers over men. ALL MEN.

"Including you Rob?"

Especially me. (...sigh...)

As mentioned in THDJDGFW Part 1, your breasts serve as a pair of electro-magnetic-gravitational-male-sucker-inners. Much scientific research needs to be done in this regard - but the results thus far have been inconclusive. Every time a female research participant removes her shirt, the male scientists eyes explode in a manner similar to a Ren & Stimpy cartoon. You might ask why there are no female scientists working on this important endeavor... and the sad truth is, they're out curing cancer, finding sources of renewable energy and heebiejeebie stuff like that. Bahh.

I should have also noted in THDJDGFW Part 1 that if your breasts are very small, you need not worry: You have legs.

That being said... It is time to delve into THDJDGFW Part Two! This is where we will discuss your...


Your breasts may bring the men to you, but you're going to have to use every ounce of brainpower you can muster to figure out which type of man you find yourself saying hello to, not to mention figuring out what his intentions are.

Let's take a look at the basic categories 99% of all men can be divided into: (listed alphabetically)

Assholes, blowhards, crackpots, dumbasses, extremists, friends-and-nothing-more, greasy-you-know-whats, hairy-dudes-you-wouldn't-want-to-you-know-what-with, ignoramuses, junkies, KEEPERS, lap-dance-purchasers, mama's boys, NICE GUYS, odor-emitters, perverts and/or the porn-crazed, quacksalvers [look it up], republicans, SINCERE MEN, turds, users, vermin, wusses, triple-x-type-men, yes men, and those weird Zapata mustache guys (it was either that, or Zamboni drivers. Frankly, I'd avoid both)

The next thing you need to be aware of is male intentions. If a man appears to be interested in you, in 99% of all cases, he...

...wants to sleep with you
...wants to have sex with you
...wants to sleep with your best friend... and you
...wants to watch your best friend sleep with you while he has sex with your best friend
...wants to make you moan
...wants to shove his tongue so far down your throat your tonsils have to leap out of the way
...wants your sister to shove her tongue down your throat while he has sex with your sister and her best friend

As you glance through the two categories listed above (types of men and their intentions), it's important to realize there are some great possibilities.

Oh, The Possibilities:

A sincere man could want to get to know you.
A keeper may want to make you smile.
But, then again, one of those hairy-dudes-you-wouldn't-want-to-you-know-what-with may want your sister to shove her tongue down your throat while he has sex with your sister and her best friend.

It's up to you to figure out which is which. Sadly, the system men use won't work for you. And what system do men use? It works like this:

- She said hello! She wants me!
- She told me to fuck off... she wants me!
- She doesn't even recognize my existence... because she wants me.
- She kicked me in the testicles harder than I ever imagined, even in my worst nightmare! Owwwwwwwwwwwwwww... She's playing hard to get (because she wants me!!!!)

My advice is to create a system of your own for finding out what sort of man he is and what his intentions are. Your system will be unique to you, but it should include the following steps:

- find out if he's got half a brain
- find out if he's fun to talk to
- find out what his interests are
- find out if his ex-girlfriends think he's satan
- find out if he's fun to just "be with"
- find out if he gives a rats ass about anybody other than himself

The Fish And The Bicycle:

Bono, from the band U2, once sang: "Every woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle." Clearly, there are times when you're better off swimming.

The best place to begin determining what sort of man you've found is to have meaningful conversation with him. Don't even consider trying to impress him. Your goal is to find the personality landmines that have dismembered his previous relationships. If he's not up for meaningful conversation, keep swimming!

Once you determine that he's a good person with good intentions, you'll also want to know if he's a good kisser. If he's not a good kisser, keep on swimming! And last but not least, you'll need to know if he's good in bed. If he's not: KEEP swim Swim SWIMMING!

Coming Up:

In The Handy Dandy Jalpuna Dating Guide For Women, Part 3, we'll discuss why need not be nervous on a date - because you have the upper hand.

::::: | Friday, Jul 16 2004 at 11:36 PM
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Random TXGirl said:

You, Emotional Bellhop. It's cute.

::::: | July 17, 2004 6:08 AM

Me! said:

Oh my god! There's a term I haven't heard in a while.

You're so right though!

::::: | July 17, 2004 9:31 AM

too bad said:

You like brains, tits, and legs? It's a shame you've got that other list I don't conform to... Good luck anyway.

::::: | July 19, 2004 10:33 AM

(won't be published)


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