What can I say? I give because I love. And more to the point: I love women! I'd of course prefer to love one woman, but fate hasn't been that kind to me yet. I'm still single, so I admire women in general... beautiful as they are.
On to the issue at hand. This afternoon, a female friend told me about a first date she went on, and the weirdness that followed:
Introducing -The Handy Dandy Jalpuna Dating Guide For Women. [henceforth "THDJDGFW"]
WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW:
I apologize if this sounds crude, crass or inappropriate... but I'd be doing you a disservice if I didn't tell the truth... so here it is:
Let's address these, item by item:
Breasts serve as giant magnets to bring men to you. I imagine it's some sort of omni-directional gravitational molecular magnetism sort of trick that your breasts play on us. There's probably a lot of science that can explain it via equations, charts and graphs, but frankly, I don't care. All I know is breasts are more than yummy. I'm sure I speak for all straight men when I say that we cannot resist them. Why the F.D.A. doesn't regulate those things I'll never understand... It'd be bad enough if a woman had one breast - but ohmyfriggin'god - you each have TWO! When a man has his mouth firmly affixed to one - sucking and licking oh so happily (maybe nibbling a bit as well) - you think it would be enough for him... but no. The other breast sings it's siren song, and there's nothing we men can do. Next time you're with a man and he swaps breasts - go ahead and ask him:
"...yep." [suck suck nuzzle nibble]
If you need proof of the power your breasts have over us all, try this little exercize: Next time you're having a conversation with a man you've never dated, look down at your breasts. Continue looking down while cupping your hands around them, and begin massaging them. Stick your tongue out and make a licking motion as you lift your head and make eye contact with the man you're with.
Not only will he be speechless at this point - he'll be worthless. You'll have reduced his verbal skills to grunts and gasps. "Gah... uh... I... uh... hee... er... uh...." His jaw line will be spread wider than you knew a man's jaw could go with the roof of his mouth resting on the floor. His eyes will also be thirty feet wide. Never forget that you hold this level of power over all mankind.
But I'm sure you're aware that your breasts aren't enough when it comes to dating. Sure, they'll bring men to you - but they won't help you to filter through the various types of men - of which thre are many: the scumbags, dirtbags, nice guys, losers, psycho-masochists, winners, not yet out of the closets, drunks, drug addicts, control freaks, abusers, and so on. Also, your breasts won't help you to read the many signals men give off. Signals such as: he wants to sleep with you, he wants to sleep with you, he wants to sleep with you, he wants to sleep with you, he likes you, he wants to get downright nasty with you, he wants to sleep with you. That's ok, because you also have...
This is possibly the most challenging part of The Handy Dandy Jalpuna Dating Guide For Women. And this is where I will continue with THDJDGFW Part Two at a later date.
[Truth be told, I was going to write this whole thing in one sitting - but then JP called, and there's no such thing as a short conversation with her. I can't complain about her interrupting my train of thought though, since she inspires some of my best material here. What can I say? Conversation is king]
I was returning your call... and I think, actually, there's no short conversation with rob ;)!
JP::::: | July 9, 2004 10:59 AM
hiya, maybe i missed it when i was reading your blog, but what does THD.... all that stand for?
thanks::::: | July 10, 2004 12:00 PM
T.H.D.J.D.G.F.W. = The Handy Dandy Jalpuna Dating Guide For Women
:)::::: | July 10, 2004 12:05 PM
Direct, concise, to the point & frigging hilarious!!!
I look forward to Pt. 2
Don't forget, it's part of a series. I'll write THDJDGFW Part 2 this week, and part 3 next week.::::: | July 12, 2004 9:32 AM