I was browsing the personals online this morning when I spotted a face I recognized. I saw a photo of a woman I'd gone on a date with a year and a half ago. We'd had a fun evening, flirting, talking and wandering around town. I could tell there was something there - call it chemistry maybe? ...potential for chemistry? ...but I could also sense a bizarre distance. Two steps forward, and one step back. One gentle step forward - taking a look around - then three huge steps back. She'd drop a hint of interest to see what I'd say, and then blow it off as if she was only joking. She'd talk of her hopes and dreams, and then back away from them with comments like "or maybe not, I dunno."
This was clearly a pattern.
At the end of the evening, I gave her a little kiss goodnight. It was a moment I remember quite well: I leaned in to kiss her, and she leaned in too. The kiss lasted longer than I'd expected - though certainly not as long as it seemed. But what I remember most was the way she took my hand and didn't let go. She was still holding my hand as the kiss came to an end. We stood there for a moment, just looking at each other. She blushed. I'm sure I blushed. After what felt like an eternity, she snuck one more quick kiss, and then just as quickly, said goodbye.
That was the first and last time I ever saw her.
A few weeks passed, and I received an email She wrote about missing that certain spark & magic in her life. She thanked me for reminding her about such joys but said she'd given it a lot of thought and decided she wasn't ready to date yet.
"I guess it's not my time yet. It'll Happen When It's Supposed To."
That's one of the most cruel lies people tell themselves to serve as a way to rationalize why 'it' hasn't happened yet... just a self comforting lie that can do more harm than good. Seek out your dreams, or watch them happen for someone else.
A year and a half later, I see her ad. I saw it a few months ago too.
I can't help wondering if she's still playing that same game: looking for something special, finding potential, and then backing away before there's any risk. Surely I'm not the only decent guy she's met in the last year and half.
I suppose it's easier to risk nothing and gain nothing than to risk something and lose. But who's to say it's never going to work out for her?