When I was a little boy, my mommy said I was special :) Yay for me. She said I was unique! She said there was nobody else like me! My mommy blew a lot of smoke up my little boy ass. It's what mommies do... but you can't blame them, because the truth of the matter is that we're all unique. This makes human interaction absolutely unpredictable, and dating even more so.
The potential outcomes of any first date are so mind-bogglingly vast that giving serious thought to them is enough to inspire a Zoloft overdose. Instead, we tend to lighten the mental load by taking certain things as a given - making a few first date assumptions that, every now and then, come back to haunt us.
"You know I'm married, right?" (WHAT!?!?)
"I just got out of a four year relationship a week ago." (uh-oh!)
"I haven't been on a date in years!" (UH-OH!!)
"Yeah, I'm divorced, but I still live with my husband. Er, I mean ex-husband." (Er, I mean UH-OH!!!!!)
"Well, 'technically' I'm seeing somebody, but the whole relationship thing's become so boring, y'know? I guess I wanted to see what else is out there, y'know?" (I know I'm so outa' here!)
- The uber-shy woman who made eye contact with me only once during the entire date. Why do I remember that she only made eye contact with me once? I remember because I'd never seen that degree of white knuckle terror while discussing Muppets before. (why were we talking about...? Oh, nevermind)
- The obviously seriously medicated hyper woman. Another first: I'd never seen anyone move that much while remaining seated.
- The obviously seriously medicated downer-woman. ZZzzzzzzzzz...? You still here? Hello? Ellooo? Ehhhh-lllllllllllloooooooooooo?
- The should-have-been-an-Adams-Family-cast-member woman. Uhm... Say hello to Lurch for me.