I'm working on what shall surely be my greatest invention ever! The idea is to create a spray-able can of raunchy stink with a gray tint. I'm calling it "Can-O-Raunch!" It'll be a non-smoker's best friend.

When walking behind smokers, you'll be able to sprint past and send a cloud of Can-O-Raunch back at them, similar to how their smoke wafts back at the people behind them.

When sitting near smokers in a bar, you'll be able to spray Can-O-Raunch at their clothes and their beer or their food. The smokers will go home smelling of raunch. They'll probably peel off their clothes later that night with "ewwww" groans. They'll complain "My hair smells like Raunch!" Maybe they'll even take showers before bed, to keep the raunch smell out of their sheets.

Eventually, of course, smokers will have the option of seeking out establishments that have been deemed "Raunch-Free," or will at least offer a "Raunch-Free" section. Maybe we'll get our own Raunching Section, where we raunchers can huddle around doorways and bathe in our own stink while spraying those who need to get by.

That's all fine and good for launching the novelty "Can-O-Raunch" product, but here's where my long term business strategy really kicks in: I will add chemical compounds into the top-secret Can-O-Raunch formula in order to make the product addictive. This will keep raunchers coming back for can after can long after the novelty has worn off. In fact, many raunchers will grow to hate the stuff - but it won't matter. They'll keep buying and they'll keep raunching.

"Can-O-Raunch" will certainly be convenient! I'll design the can such that - when you're done with it - you can just toss it out your car window... and I'll make sure the Can-O-Raunch formula is non-toxic. Well, ok, that's a lie. I'll just make sure its toxicity is 'debatable.' I wouldn't want there to be one less propaganda-buying pretending-to-be-a-cool-mofo with a cancer-causer in the world.

Smokers sure do look cool with their cigarettes, and I suspect raunchers will achieve a similar status. Oh how we idolize people who look cool, especially when they sacrifice their own health to do it. Even better when they sacrifice everyone else's heath too, eh?

Second-hand raunching is going to kick ass! I can hardly wait.

See? I buy into propaganda too. Those nice Phillip-Morris people wouldn't lie, so I believe them. Republicans wouldn't take their campaign donations if they weren't honest... would they?

::::: | Thursday, Jul 22 2004 at 11:47 PM
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smokey the grouch said:

I'm confused. Are you inventing the Can O Raunch to annoy smokers or to perpetuate the unfriendliness and non-acceptance that plagues modern society?

If you are in a bar where smoking is prohibited, you will smell like smoke when you go home. If the Non Smoking Nazi Fascist Party (NSNFP) made more of an effort to only patronize non-smoking establishments then bar owners might feel pressure to change their policies. However, if all the NSNFP really wants to do is sit around drinking expensive wine and hypothesizing about how smokers are devil's spawn and should all be rounded up and put on an island together, you will never enact the radical social change you say you want.

I believe that all smokers should be provided with tazers so when they here "Ewwwwwwwwwww now my hair is going to reek like that nasty cigarette" instead of "Excuse me miss, I really would appreciate it if you could either extinguish your cancer apparatus or remove yourself from my immediate vicinity", they could juice that sucker up to 40000 volts and give the whiny piece of crap an etiquette lesson.

::::: | July 23, 2004 12:06 PM

Me! said:

It's interesting how the annoyance isn't a problem so long as it's an annoyance for someone else - in which case, it's that other person's duty to be accepting and tolerant. Manners are such a thing of the past in this country. We look to others to be polite - because it is THEY who are unfriendly.

That was precisely my point. Thanks for helping me to make it.

Have a super day & try to keep cool in this heat :)

::::: | July 23, 2004 12:34 PM

bruce said:

will you really invent this thing?
Please DO. I was thinking about it, and it's what I would to to annoy smokers.
Some kind of sweet revenge. Somebody has to do this.
Please DO IT for real!
I'm sick of disrespectful smokers (the vast majority)

::::: | January 28, 2007 12:53 AM

Shawnte said:


Going from Toronto to PEI and back, I am always struck at how many smokers there are here in the city (no wonder it's affectionately dubbed "The Big Smoke"). However, in Toronto I am convinced that smoking is just another "cool" acessory, like Fendi bags and shiny SUVs.

I'd be getting on top of the patent for "Can-O-Raunch" ASAP, if I were you!

::::: | September 16, 2007 10:32 AM

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