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Why Rush Limbaugh's 3rd Marriage Failed

It was announced this weekend that Rush and Marta Limbaugh have filed for divorce.

I'm sure I speak for us all when I express my shock and sadness regarding the announcement. Initially, I couldn't fathom a reason as to how the marriage could have NOT lasted a lifetime - ! - especially when you consider that each of them had two previous "practice-run" marriages.

But then, once I'd thought about it for a tenth of a second or so, I came up with a few possibilities...

• He was tired of having his wife mistaken for an Atlanta bus
  
• It was the black-market drug-ring of pill pushers' faults!
  
• It was Donovan MacNabb's fault
  
• He wanted to avoid claims of hypocrisy now that, after ten years of marriage, someone finally discovered she was a man - which obviously conflicts with his position on gay marriage
  
• She disagreed with his position that US servicemen were "blowing off steam" at the Abu Ghraib prison.
  
• Erectile dysfunction
  
• Because republicans don't have enough bad press these days
  
• He simply needed more time to work on his math skills
  
• She kept dropping hints by playing those damn Elvis records
  
• She refused to buy his pills now that his maid's been given the old heave-ho
  
• He wanted to protect the sanctity of marriage :)
  
• He wants the paperwork finalized before some of those Babes Of Abu Ghraib return to the U.S, cuz he liked what he saw if youknowwhatImean [and I know you do]
  
• She no longer finds him sexy now that he's gone from grotesquely obese to just plain obese. As we all know, the 320 Pound Rush was a chick magnet
  
• It's ESPN's fault
  
• She's got her sights on Al Franken now that Franken is beating Limbaugh in certain media markets like... oh... NEW YORK CITY and CHICAGO...
  
• Too Much Prozak
  
• All that sex was throwing out his back, which led to the pills... which led to the drug probe... and the seizing of his medical records... and...
  
• It probably had something to do with someone from Mexico who is both intelligent and hard working
  
• He could no longer afford health care for two
  
• A loving marriage conflicts with his Judeo-Christian values
  
• She's a Nazi. No wait... it's because she's NOT a Nazi!
  
• He'll have a better shot at nailing some of those 9/11 widows now that he's single
  
• The FCC had declared that even the IDEA of Rush Limbaugh being with a woman was indecent
  
• She was getting in the way of his gay-porn "me-time"
  
• He decided he finally cares about the female 50% of that 12% of the population, so he needs to lose the ball and chain & start making up for lost time
  
• He recently learned it was her voice that caused his hearing loss, not the pills
  
• It's the Liberals' fault!!
  
• Global Warming made her hot to trot!
  
• One of the agents that was seizing his medical records also managed to seize her heart
  
• Well, you know how it is...

::::: | Filed under: politics
::::: | Posted Sunday, Jun 13 2004 at 6:24 PM
::::: | Link! | Email | Top















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