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I've Changed My Opinion On Gay Marriage
In an effort to make my position on this issue crystal clear, I'm going to first state my position and then I will explain it via a mathematical equation. The changes of opinion are noted with an asterisk [*].
- I am in favor of gay men being able to get married if they so choose.
- I am in favor of straight men marrying each other so long as neither one of them is me. In FACT, I would encourage them to do so.
Here's where my position on gay marriage gets a little tricky:
I mention this because the woman who cut my hair this afternoon was quite possibly one of the ten most adorable women on earth. She is gay and living with her girlfriend. This woman had a lovely body, cute curly hair and a warm, honest face. She was intelligent, creative, charming, and had the words "Good Person" written all over her from head to toe. I've no doubt that her relationship is superb and that her girlfriend is a lucky woman...
...which brings me to the issue at hand:
This woman seemed to be a marvelous human being, and I'm willing to bet her girlfriend is marvelous as well. I love it when good people find each other - but ladies!!! You're completely skewing the math - math I will now oversimplify for the sake of proving my completely flawed point.
[NOTE: the numbers that follow are scientifically accurate to a degree of plus or minus the total number]
Here's The Equation:
There are nearly two million people living in the Portland Metro area - within a reasonable dating distance. It's actually 1,837,209 people.
- 769,995 of them are women.
- 767,214 of them are men.
First, let's deal with the 767,214 men.
- Subtract the one that is ME: 767,213 remain.
They need to go away, become gay, or celibate. It's completely their option, but - for my sake - they must choose one of the three. I'll thank them later for their understanding in this matter.
- This leaves the total dateable male population for women in Portland at: ONE (again, that's me)
OK, moving on to the female population...
Out of the 769,995 women in the Portland area...
...my potential dating pool consists of those within a reasonable age difference that aren't married. That's 47,914 women [yes, I've counted]
Using that number as a starting point...
- Subtract the uglies: 36,918 remain
- Subtract the idiots: 21,165 remain
- Subtract the hippies: 14,709 remain
- Subtract the hipsters: 7,005 remain
- Subtract the elitists not already removed from RPDP [Rob's Potential Dating Pool] ...This removes anyone who thinks you're shit if you don't listen to this, read that, or wear whatever the hell the other thing is: 4,351 remain
- Subtract anyone with enough piercings to set off a metal detector without even being in the same room as said metal detector: 3,501 remain
- Subtract any non-cancer-patient who's head is currently shaved: 3,375 remain
- Subtract anyone who's longest relationship is less than three weeks: 2,509 remain
- Subtract anyone who thinks that all men are shit: 2,355 remain
- No really, I said subtract anyone who honestly believes that all men are shit: 1,941 remain
- Subtract those who worship satan: 1,853 remain
- Subtract those who worship their ex: 1798 remain
- Subtract those who listen to Dr. Laura Schlessengerhoweverthehellyouspellit: 1634 remain
- Subtract anyone who can quote Dr. Phil: 1301 remain
- Subtract anyone who got laid yesterday. I mean, really... sheesh... do I even need to say this? You're either in a relationship - or - well - pass: 852 remain
- Subtract anyone with more one night stands than fingers and toes: 438 remain
- OH crap! I forgot to get rid of the smokers: 284 remain
- Still living with your parents? Bye-bye: 231 remain
- Voted for Dubya? Buhhhhh-bye!: 176 remain
- Never voted for ANYONE? Yertotalyoutahere: 114 remain
- Comparing me to your exboyfriend on a first date? maybeinanotherlifetimeBEEEOTHCH: 69 remain
- Have you ever uttered the phrase "You're just a man. Know your place!"? If so, miserablewenchesbegone: 41 remain [and yes, a woman once said that to me on a date]
- I should have checked by this point to ensure that you're not psychotic. Oh - what's that? You are psychotic? Certifiably? You're free to go: 26 remain
- What? You say that romance is dead? Please exit stage left: 15 remain
OH - MY - GOD - !!!!! My entire potential dating pool here in Portland boils down to 15 women?
!!!! FIFTEEN WOMEN !!!!
Can you now understand why I am against gay marriage when the two women in question are attractive and potentially phenomenal human beings too? I know, I know I know... they're gay, meaning they wouldn't find me sexually attractive anyway.
...sigh...
Thus, the stunning, charming, and otherwise adorable woman I met today can't be factored into RPDP [Rob's Potential Dating Pool]. Neither can her girlfriend. Where are the other 13 women? Hhhmmmmm...
::::: | Filed under: favorites, humor
::::: | Posted Monday, Jun 14 2004 at 10:08 PM
::::: | Link! | Email | Top
twin said:
hilarious!
::::: | Posted February 7, 2008 4:51 PM
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