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Is The Miss Universe Pageant Fixed?

THIS JUST IN: Tonight, in Quito Ecuador, the title of "Miss Universe" was awarded to Miss Bulemia...

...again.


I think it's time to either put this silly competition on the Playboy Channel where it belongs or do away with it entirely. I mean - really... if we're going to judge women based on their bodies, let's see 'em naked.

How about a better idea: Let's evolve the Miss Universe glamour competition into something more realistic: something that's a halfway point between Jeopardy, The Apprentice, Fear Factor, and Survivor.

Seriously.

It's my opinion that anyone with the title of "Miss Universe" should be able to eat a sheep-eye smorgasbord to nourish herself after proving that she actually KNOWS something, knows how to DO something, and has courage as well ...otherwise, the other contestants should get to vote the bitch off.

It would work like this:

Pre-record the Jeopardy portion of the program. Show a few highlights and LOTS of lowlights... Who thought that Bulemia was a nation of skinny people? "Buh-bye." Who didn't know that Mother Teresa wasn't actually a MOM? "BUHHHHH-BYE." ...Eliminate the dumbasses & show us the ignorant answers, because everybody loves a good laugh. This will narrow the field of contestants down to 25.

On live TV, parade the 25 remaining women by in evening gowns. Ooh how pretty.

Pre-record the "Apprentice" part of the competition. Show us which of the remaining 25 women can do the most good for humankind. This will narrow the field down to ten as we rid ourselves of the women who thought that fashion victims were actually VICTIMS. "BUHHHH.... BYE!"

On live TV, parade the remaining ten women by in bathing suits and high heels. Ooh how pretty.

Next comes the Fear Factor part of the show. Make them eat doggie-dung-dejour before jumping off a 50 foot cliff into a shark infested sea. Assuming they're not grossed out, scared or eaten, the fastest five remain in the competition. To the others we offer a parting gift of "Buhhhhbye."

On live TV, ask the remaining five women a silly question about how they plan on dedicating their lives to curing cancer while ending hunger and inventing a nail polish that dries on contact IF they are selected as Miss Universe.

Finally, to narrow the field from five down to the winner and the runners-up: bring back all of the losers and let them cast their votes. After all, who better to judge the finalists than the women who had to compete against them?

Now THAT'S a show the world would watch!


"YOU'RE FIRED."

Kwame Jackson, the last person to get fired on The Apprentice, was also fired from the Miss Universe pageant. He was supposed to be a judge, but he was spotted waving at the contestants in his hotel - which is strictly prohibited.

Oops.

The rest of the judges were mostly Americans anyway - making the whole thing that much more of a joke. It's bad enough to judge women based on their bodies - but to do it by our tastes alone is worse. These were the judges for this year's Miss Universe:


No wonder the final two contestants were both blonde haired, blue eyed, over 6 feet tall and under 130 pounds. Hitler would be proud.


IN CLOSING:

A quote from Miss USA - runner up for the title of Miss Universe: "yes men are great and we need them but where would the world be without women?"

ANSWER: The world would be the same place it is today - and we'd be extinct.

::::: | Tuesday, Jun 01 2004 at 11:27 PM
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Comments:


JB said:

Oh, come on, that quote made tuning in worth it to me!!

::::: | June 2, 2004 4:03 PM


Des said:

Of course the Miss Universe pageant is FIXED! The winners are always from earth!

::::: | February 13, 2009 12:20 PM




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