Jalpuna

Comfortable Shoes

I was walking down NW Glison today after a quick stop at Trader Joe's for a bottle of wine, when the strangest thing happened. My feet suddenly felt light as air - as if I were being pulled forward. I looked down at them and said "What the hell?"

My shoes replied:

- Left Shoe: "Hurry up..."
- Right Shoe: "...hurry up!"
- Left Shoe: "She's getting away!"
- Right Shoe: "Right!"

Uhhmm... WHAT?

"Who's getting away?" I asked - not that I'm used to asking my shoes much of anything - but in this instance, I wanted to know...

They replied:
- Left Shoe: "She is!"
- Right Shoe [while taking a step forward]: "Her! Right in front of you - pardon the pun."

Well I'll be damned if there wasn't a woman about 100 feet in front of me. I'd barely noticed her.

- Left Shoe: "She looks like a walker!"
- Right Shoe: "Right! And she's gettin' away!"

"Guys, we don't even KNOW her" I said, while pretending to be talking on a cell phone in case anyone was watching.

- Left Shoe: "Then why'd you buy the wine?"
- Right Shoe: "Right... what's up with that?"

At this point, I'm starting to get pissed off. I looked down and said "OK cut the crap guys. Stop beating around the bush... If you've got something on your tongues, just say it."

- Left Shoe: "Well, we uhh..."
- Right Shoe: "...like to go walkin'"
- Left Shoe: "...and she looks like a walker!"
- Right Shoe: "Right!"

"What about HER?" I asked, pointing at a woman running nearby.

- Left Show: "Whoa!"
- Right shoe: "No!"
- Left Shoe: "She's scary!"
- Right Show: "Hardcore!"
- Left Show: "See those New Balance RC330WB's she's wearin'?"
- Right Shoe: "Hardcore!"
- Left Shoe: "Those things are designed for runnin' a marathon!"
- Right Shoe: "Right!"
- Left Shoe: "Hardcore!"
- Right Shoe: "Right!"

Now this is truly bizarre. I pride myself on the fact that I don't judge based on appearance, and certainly not on labels! I mean, sure, I like a woman who's in decent shape because I do walk a lot [hence the feisty shoes], but judging based on footwear alone seems so wrong. Still, the wine comment bothered me more than the New Balance comment. So, I asked:

"OK, I need to know - why did you think I was buying the wine?"

- Left Shoe: "Well, we thought..."
- Right Show: "...you'd maybe have a date..."
- Left Shoe: "...and take her for a walk!"
- Right Shoe: "Right!"
- Left Shoe: "I mean, it's kinda' hot at home..."
- Right Shoe: "...right... so hot..."
- Left Shoe: "It's 90 degrees outside and..."
- Right Shoe: "...and you've got no AC!"
- Left Shoe: "...so we thought maybe the wine was for a picnic..."
- Right Shoe: "...after dark at Washington Park!"
- Left Shoe: "But you're single..."
- Right Shoe: "...so you need a date!"
- Left Shoe: "Right!"
- Right Shoe: "Hey that's MY line!"
- ME: "SHUT UP!!!! BOTH OF YOU!!!!"

That was the last word spoken for quite some time as I realized people were watching me talk to my feet. I stomped all the way home, much to my shoes dismay. ["ouch!" "ouch!"]

When I entered my apartment, I took off my shoes and whipped them into my closet. The more I thought about the whole conversation, the more offended I became. I mean, really... shouldn't it be enough that my feet don't stink? How DARE my shoes complain about my LOVE LIFE!

I decided to leave their strings hanging out as I closed my closet door - knowing that Tucker would teach them a lesson they wouldn't soon forget.

::::: | Sunday, Jun 20 2004 at 1:12 PM
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