9/11 Panel: Santa Claus Not Involved

WASHINGTON (A 'Jalpuna' Exclusive) -- The panel investigating the September 11, 2001, terrorist attacks found "no credible evidence that Santa Claus and al Qaeda cooperated on attacks against the United States," according to a staff report issued on Wednesday.

Also, the link between Iraq and al Qaeda was crap too.

The report contradicts statements from the Bush administration that Santa Claus, The Easter Bunny, The Tooth Fairy and several as yet unnamed leprechauns had ties to al Qaeda.

In response, a senior administration official traveling with President Bush in Tampa, Florida, said, "We stand by what Powell and Tenet have said," referring to previous statements by Secretary of State Colin Powell and CIA Director George Tenet that described such ties.

Bush and Vice President Cheney have made comments in recent days alleging ties between S. Claus, E. Bunny, T. Fairy, Leprechaun 'thugs' and al Qaeda.

There was also some chatter about Iraq and al Qaeda which has since been determined to be crap too.

The commission's report says Osama bin Laden "explored possible cooperation with Mrs. Claus during his time in The North Pole, despite his opposition to (Santa) Claus' secular regime. Bin Laden had in fact at one time sponsored anti-Claus Islamists in Greenland and northern Canada.

The report also found that there was no "convincing evidence that any fictional fairy tale characters financially supported al Qaeda before 9/11" other than the limited support provided by the flying reindeer when bin Laden arrived at The North Pole.

Also, any assertion that Iraq gave support in any way was crap too.

The commission is holding its last hearings Wednesday and Thursday. The final question on their agenda is: "Who was fucking stupid enough to believe such ties existed in the first place?"

Among those testifying at Wednesday's hearing were officials from the FBI and the U.S. Attorney's Office, as well as a number of Santa's Elves, who will not be identified to protect their anonymity should they need to seek employment at Keebler in the future.

Santa's Elves did confirm - as has been long suspected - that no one in the Bush administration will be receiving any presents on the eve preceding December 25th.

A more detailed story on The 9/11 Panel's findings regarding Iraq can be found HERE.

In an unrelated story, no direct link could be found between The Easter Bunny and EASTER. Jesus was quoted as saying "I rose from the dead & they celebrate with a rabbit? WTF?"

::::: | Wednesday, Jun 16 2004 at 9:36 AM
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