Three Buck Chuck & Some Yuck Yuck Yuck

My neighbor is a drug addict. That's a fine way to begin a story, isn't it? Well, it's true. The guy gets high as a kite every frigging day & he stinks up the entire floor of my building in the process. Recently, someone was carted out of there on a stretcher after overdosing on heroine, and I was sad to find out it wasn't him.

Last sunday night, I had a friend over for drinks. At the end of the evening as we walk out my front door, we find him standing in the hallway sporting his tighty-whities while having a semi-voluntary chat with two police officers. [In the off chance my neighbor reads this: BOXERS!!! Not briefs!] The following afternoon, he was escorted into a police car for who knows what. He was 'away' for three glorious days - but when he returned, the obnoxious stench returned with him.

Portland became drenched in beautiful sunshine by the time Saturday afternoon arrived, but I was frustrated. I was frustrated that my amazing apartment with a washer/dryer, hardwood floors and floor to ceiling windows along an 18 foot wall was being ruined by a drug addict neighbor & that nobody was able to do a damn thing about it. I decided to take the opportunity to look at apartments in the NW part of town. I'm not really serious about moving yet - but I probably should be...

My BDVs witnessing friend joined me for a walk around NW Portland. We went from street to street and building to building, but we didn't get to tour even one apartment. Sheesh! Frustration leads to bitterness, and nothing goes better with bitter than a pint of Nebraska Bitter - so we popped into the Blue Moon pub for a snack.

Next on our sunny day stroll was a stop at Trader Joe's. They sell a Merlot that's lovingly referred to as "Three Buck Chuck." At $2.99 a bottle for Charles Shaw Merlot, you can't go wrong! I ended up buying a bottle of Oregon Pinot Noir - but that's beside the point.

While waiting in line to pay for my wine, I spot a baby two people in line ahead of us. Babies love me. I make a joke about how babies love me because they look at me & think "that guy's no smarter than I am." I'm just killing time waiting in line, and now I'm being stared down by a none-year-old. Two can play that game dammit. I start talking to the baby as if the kid understands every word. I'm cracking jokes to make my friend laugh... and it dawns on me that the guy ahead of us in line is listening too - so now I want to see how far I can go before he joins in on the conversation - even though there was no conversation... just me making jokes.

I'm giving the baby advice.

"Listen kid, us big people... we lie to you all the time. All that stuff about how cool it is to grow up and be a big girl...? It's all lies. What you've got now is as good as it gets." It's true you know... Want proof? Crap your pants. Did anyone come to clean it up for you? Of course not.

Anyway, the baby ahead of me in line is captivated... so I continue. "We talk to you like all goo goo ga ga. You should hear the words we use when talking to each other. Any idea what a Pink Slip is? Ever heard of the word 'A-LI-MO-NEE?' How about I.R.S. AWE-DIT?"

The mother now looks worried - which is the only reason I didn't say "hey, on the bright side, you'll be legal right around the time I hit my mid-life crisis, so we may meet again someday." If you really want to scare a new mother, I suspect a line like that is just the ticket.

Now the weekend is over, and the floor of my building stinks again. Maybe I'll head back into NW and do some actual apartment hunting... I'll try to call ahead this time so I can actually SEE the apartments & thus avoid any potential new-mother-with-baby-scaring.

::::: | Sunday, Mar 28 2004 at 8:27 PM
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