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Me Verses Spam

Dear Persons Whom Forwardeth Me Bullshit;

Hello!

After receiving my fifth so-called "hilarious" forwarded email of the day, I did some serious thinking about the whole email forwarding decision making process, and I came to a horrifying conclusion: the problem is you.

"Should I forward this email promising whiter teeth, inner peace and multiple orgasms to Duncan?" It's a difficult decision to make, and it's a decision you shouldn't have to make on your own.

Fear not my loved one / close friend / dude I regret giving my email address to / person I've never met before! I offer you - free of charge - the following system for determining which emails to forward. Follow this system closely, and you will improve the lives of so many people. Especially me - and we all know that's what matters most.

Here's how the system works:

If something is positively pee-your-pants-in-a-public-place funny, feel free to forward it after first confirming that it is indeed THAT funny [your judgment has already been called into question. No offense]

HOWEVER, when it comes to forwarding...

...everyday comedy: Pass
... anything sexist, racist, homophobic, otherwise prejudiced or otherwise discriminatory in nature: Pass
...right wing mantra: You'll have more time to drive your 8 mile to the gallon Hummer coast to coast in search of national parks within which to drill for oil if you spend less time forwarding spam. So PASS!
...liberal yada yada: Spam a conservative instead as they love to be told what to think. Or better yet, pass.
...get rich quick schemes: You rich yet? Didn't think so. So pass. If you ARE rich, contact me at rob at jalpuna dot com and I'll give you a postal address where you can send your money. You'll feel best if you send as much as possible.
...advertisements of any kind: Don't be a tool. Pass. (this helpful tip brought to you by: sponsorship-still-available)
...anything that says to forward it to X number of friends: Forwarding spam is grounds for terminating a friendship. Pass.
...anything even closely resembling that damn Neiman Marcus cookie recipe email: For the love of god, everybody knew it was a hoax the first time it went around the net in 1995. Why must a few lingering idiots keep on forwarding it? Really. And by the way Mr. Soup Nazi - no soup for you! Get it? Elaine found his recipes and drove him out of bui... the episode was based on the... oh forget it... just pass.
...anything that says Microsoft or anyone else will pay you to forward it: Instead of forwarding that email, spend the time digging though your couch in search of spare change with which you should either buy The Brooklyn Bridge, or just buy a frigging clue - depending on how much money you actually find (assuming you haven't already mailed your money to me). Also, pass.
...any email containing phrases like "this is for real", "this really works" or "my older brother's best friend's uncle is a pap-smear technician, so I know this is true": See above tip, and PASS!!!!!!!!
...any email instructing the recipient to give their problems to the lord: I personally spammed the lord with one of those emails in 1996, and I received a one word reply from above that read "REMOVE." I can take a hint & pray that you can as well. Speaking of which: please pray that we ALL receive less spam (especially from you). I'm sure I speak for everyone when I thank you in advance for your prayers.
...anything I failed to mention already: Pass!!!

NOTE:

It is imperative that you forward this system to as many people as you possibly can. Search deep within yourself to find the massive amount of inner strength you'll certainly need, because you really must forward this to a minimum of 4378656793459734258907369234456.2 people, otherwise your life will not be worth living. This is true. Really it is. In fact, you know this is true because it is written here in text on your computer screen before your very eyes - thus it MUST be true! Seriously. You're falling behind if you expect to be able to forward it to enough people for your whole world to not turn to shit by noon tomorrow. Really - you'd best get a move on.*

Thank you for your time.

- Me!

P.S. *This is obviously false. It was intended to be a test of your newfound not-gonna-spam-nobody-with-junk skills. If you forwarded this to more than the following number of people you've screwed up in a very big way: ZERO

P.P.S. I am only half-kidding, so please remove me from your freeeeeeeeeeeeaking spam list.

chantel said:

I have a very blunt policy about forwards. Don't fucking do it or I'll kick your ass.

My friends and family no longer forward anything to me. That's what MySpace is for.

::::: | Posted July 12, 2006 3:32 PM

Me! said:

That's a good policy!!!!!

I'd try that, but sadly, I doubt it'd work. It's hard to kick anyone's ass when they're over a thousand miles away.

::::: | Posted July 12, 2006 4:07 PM