I've Come To The Conclusion That I'm Not Enough Of An Ass

That's right... I said it and I meant it... When it comes to dating, I have come to the conclusion that I am not enough of an ass.

Women say they want sincerity and honesty. But it seems that when they get it, or even sense the possibility of it, they panic. Not all women of course - but many. It seems as if the better a time a woman has with me on a date, the less the odds it will work out. And oddly enough, if I make her swoon even just a little - all bets are off. It's as if a woman's independence is called into question the moment she spots a little charm.

On the other hand - it seems that the bigger an ass a man is, the higher the odds he's got a woman that's crazy about him. No, really... think about it: How many women do we all know who LOVE the following men:

Mr. Flirting With Other Women While On A Date. And yet she's crazy about him.

Mr. Got Laid And Gone. He's never coming back yet she waits for the phone to ring!

Mr. Can't Commit. No matter how many times he leaves her, she knows he'll be back because he loves her. Well that's just spiffy.

Mr. Hits Her. I'm not even going to freaking comment on such a thing other than to say that HE has a girlfriend/lover/wife/etc and I do not. How messed up is THAT?

Mr. My Friends Are More Important Than My Significant Other. Uhm... hello! She should be like a best friend and more! And yet she tolerates being irrelevant. He's probably telling his friends how great she is... right? Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrright. He's probably cheating on her...

Mr. Caller ID Says It's You So I Won't Pick Up. Ooh! That's how she knows he cares!

Mr. Fuck You. Ah, the fighter! So sssssssssexy.

Mr. Manipulation. There's no letting go of him!

Mr. Forgot Your Birthday. He's unforgettable!

Mr. I Never Listen Thus I Have No Idea What's Important To Her. Hhhmm? RRrrrRRRrrr!!

Mr. Using Her For Sex. He's orgasmic. Take him home to mom! (unless your mom is hot)

And then there's me: Here are ACTUAL tidbits from email women have sent me after dates. They say I'm: "...a nice guy, cute, interesting, easy to talk to", "...lots of fun to hang out with", "...could talk to [me] for hours", "...a great kisser & terribly sweet", "really funny and charming." Blah blah blah. And I left out the stuff that I feel too awkward about to post.

I have no problem GETTING dates. And I don't usually have a problem connecting with people either... but that tends to be the problem. Ever since I moved to Portland, I find the same pattern happens time and time again. Woman dates me. Woman enjoys herself. Woman gets scared of what it might become, and woman is gone.

My favorite thing is when a woman tells me how great a guy I am, but she's not ready to date someone like ME because of somebody from years ago named (in alphabetical order for your convenience): Adam, Chris, Danny, Demitri (...wha?), Ed, Glen (what sort of man is named Gle... oh nevermind... and to heck with this list) Why do I pay for other men's sins? I mean, really. If a woman is going to punish me for the actions of another, then the least she can do is give me an equal amount of time as he had so that I can screw her over personally. And she should be prepared to enjoy being happy when I don't. Because I don't.

I have a better idea: If a woman goes on a date with me and has a good time, why not go on another? No expectations... just a good time. If I am a gentleman on the first date, and she had a great time, why would she expect anything different on a second date?

Or is THAT the problem? "Oh - my - god. What if he really is that much fun to be with?" Yeah. That'll suck. NOBODY wants a guy who is both fun AND charming.

I should ask my exes to write me letters of recommendation. Why not? I'm good friends with them... and do you know WHY I'm good friends with them? Because where most men use friendship as lip service, I actually mean it. I value it. The beauty of references for a potential date would be that she'd know ahead of time that I'm a good guy - that way she can avoid the whole issue of having to figure out how to deal with the tragedy of being happy before it even happens.

In FACT - WOW! What a great idea I have! This is brilliant! I have the unique ability to allow a woman to even the score - to balance out the old dating seesaw. YES! I should seek out women who've been screwed over by men, and then let those women go on dates with me SPECIFICALLY for the purpose of empowering themselves by dumping me. BRILLIANT! It's like a public service for the goth at heart.

Seriously ladies: have you been screwed over by one of the men I mentioned previously? Take it out on me! No, really. That's what I'm here for. I mean - it's obvious that it's all my fault anyway, right? Exactly. I knew you'd agree. The more genuinely you like me - the more genuine of a good time you have while with me - the better the satisfaction you will feel in dumping me, blowing me off, or doing whatever it is you do to men who just might like you for who you are.

See? I'm sounding like more of an ass already. This is gonna be great.


::::: | Tuesday, Mar 09 2004 at 2:21 AM
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