I Want A Damn Secret Decoder Ring

In recent years, I've become an avid reader of the worst variety. Some people read fiction... some only nonfiction... for others, it's trashy romance novels. And for me? I read whatever's posted on the web. Oh good lord that sounds bad - but it's not always. I read either CNN or the New York Times every day.

I often feel like I need a secret decoder ring. Most stories have a political slant, and I need to know which side the talking head represents so I'll know which version of lies I'll be told. Iraq: "a great success for freedom" or "the reason we didn't put enough energy into fighting Al Quaeda"? Everybody's got their own spin & I think it'd be neato to know which version I'm going to get rather than committing the thirty seconds it'll take me to read the story & figure it out for myself.

I also read online message boards. It's like a sickness. Every now and then I just *need* my daily dosage of digitalwhitetrashdotcom. One of the best sources is Craigslist - a collection of message boards for a given community, including message boards for Politics, Personals, Jobs, Housing, and a good old fashioned rant & rave board as well. 'CL,' as it is affectionately known, started in San Francisco, and has since spread to many different cities. Some of it is superb!!! And some is unbelievable. One woman pours her lonely heart out with sheer sincerity through poetry and prose. The next says she's looking for a large man who'll give it to her in the ass. People truly are wondrous creatures!

Again, I feel like I need a secret decoder ring for bridging the gap between what someone says and what someone means. On the personals board, for example, I might need to set my ring to "bitter because I got dumped last week." When I read the words "looking for friends first," I'll know that she really means "you're never going to get any, but I'll flaunt you in front of everyone I know so that my ex thinks you're getting A LOT & then hopefully he'll take me back." That's an excellent strategy! Good luck with it.

Since it appears that nobody has manufactured an adult version of a secret decoder ring, I'm going to toss the idea out there for you to run with. Go ahead. Make it - market it - and reap the massive profits that you're sure to get. Seriously!

Here are a few basic settings any quality secret decoder ring will need:

- Democrat
- Republican
- Ignorant
- Uninformed
(you can combine those last three if you must)

- A horny Good Man
- A horny Bad Man
[sorry, but we men really ARE that simple]

- Shy
- Bitter
- Psycho
- Love sex
- Hate sex
- All men suck
- Divorced
- 45 year old virgin
- Chewin' 'em up and spittin' 'em out
- I just got chewed up and spit out

- Expensive
- Rat-trap
- Psycho-landlord
- Slumlord
- Bad part of town
- We are to blame for this being a bad part of town

- Low pay
- White-collar-sweatshop
- You're not gonna' get the job anyway
- You could be the next person we place an ad to quietly replace
- Trolling for resumes to scare our current employees into working harder for less money, satisfaction and/or recognition

OK... you get the idea...

::::: | Wednesday, Mar 24 2004 at 11:15 AM
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