Jalpuna! | Bitches I Won't Miss When I Someday Leave This Joint

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Bitches I Won't Miss When I Someday Leave This Joint

It's not that I'm looking forward to the day when I eventually move out of this loft. It's a great space.

The main room is huge, huge, huge, with three equally huge windows that stretch seven and a half feet wide by eight feet tall (each divided into six panels with nice wood trim).

It's a corner unit... the windows follow along two walls. It's sweet.

But that doesn't mean all is bliss in my little polka-joyland. It isn't. And with that in mind...

...It's time to single out the bitches:

Dear Washing Machine;
What do you mean I can't wash two pillows at a time? Kiss my ass. If you ever even THINK about flooding the joint again, there will be hell to pay.

Dear Air Conditioner;

You've got issues. I turned you off last night, but you turned yourself back on at least twice before I shot you the evil eye and you decided not to risk completely pissing me off. Not cool.

Dear Dishwasher;

You, sir, are an ass - and even though I just referred to you with a masculine gender that makes you no less of a bitch.

You'd been collecting water for days - don't think I didn't know. Hello!!!! That's why the maintenance man was here last week. And what happened when the maintenance man came to look at you?

You played it cool. "Nothin' wrong here" you told him.

Bullshit.

Two days later you were puking your guts up all over the carpet. What are you thinking? Seriously.

...and speaking of the carpet...

Dear Carpet;

I'm going to be blunt. I'm a classy hardwoods kind of guy, and you're just a cheap low-pile tramp. We can't change who we are - but if we find common ground, our time together doesn't have to be too difficult.

Let's work together. I'll start: Do you see what's sitting in the closet? Those are my shoes. I could stomp muddy feet all over your lame self, and there's a part of me that'd enjoy doing it.

But I don't.

Aren't I a sweetie? Damn straight. Now here's where you come in. Holding on to the cat-fur is a really stupid idea, and I suggest you get over it. Let go motherfucker, let go.

bonnie said:

Hmm. I don't have a washing machine, air conditioner, or a dishwasher.

Sometimes I think it would be nice to have those things. Other times it's nice to not have to deal with them.

::::: | Posted June 20, 2005 1:03 PM

Me! said:

There's a man from G.E. here this very moment fixing the dishwasher. The first tool he pulled out?

...his laptop.

Is it a high tech world or what.

::::: | Posted June 20, 2005 1:13 PM

Mari said:

Posts like this are the highlights of my day... I know that sounds somewhat pathetic, but the humanization of inanimate objects makes me giggle...

Someday I hope to run into you and D somewhere and find out if you are really as funny as you seem to be :)

Good luck with your Revolt of the Appliances (and Carpet) 2005!

::::: | Posted June 20, 2005 2:26 PM

Andy said:

You wash pillows? I didn't even know that was possible. I just assumed pillows were objects of shame that you hoped guests never took the covers off. Hmmmm... That sounds gross when I put it in print.

::::: | Posted June 27, 2005 1:43 PM

Me! said:

...that's why I wash 'em (grin)

::::: | Posted June 27, 2005 4:30 PM

Hydra said:

Yeah, hmmm...I tried washing a pillow once. I was drived to desparation by the dog pee (!!!!) that was on it. It was quite an ordeal. This pillow was in some sort of case that wouldn't soak in much water. So I had to keep shoving it underwater in the washer til it sunk down. THEN, after the machine was done, the pillow was still filled with water. So much water that I could not lift it out of the washer! Water's heavy! I had to cut the pillowcase just to get all the water out.
Based on that experience, I really don't think washing pillows is a good idea. I should have cut my losses and bought a new one!

::::: | Posted December 7, 2005 9:25 PM